What's with relationships? (a laptop backlog entry)

I feel lost and adrift, questioning everything about my life. What I have I done with my life? What do I want to do? Everything is unsettled and up in the air. That is nothing new, but today it is bothering me. Qustions are nagging. Especially one question. Do I want to be in a relationship and eventually get married or not? What is it? There are so few single Christian men my age. There is one single man at the church I attend and he is quite standoffish. I tried at the Christian Singles group at MSN. Nothing there, either. I haven’t tried too hard, there, though. It’s not primarily a dating site, anyway. It’s for fellowship. The situation seems so completely hopeless. Besides, how can I meet someone new and tell him about my life when I have no idea what’s what in my life? Truth is that I’m soon to be unemployed, have no decent job prospects and no career momentum. I want to start something new but have no idea what direction to go or how to go about it. Not to mention that I live with my parents and don’t know when I’ll have the financial resources to move out and reliably support myself. Yeah, that sounds like a great introduction. He’ll judge me as some flaky, lazy idiot who hasn’t done anything with her life and is unlikely to have anything to bring to any happy life together. Truth is that right at this moment that is how I feel about myself. I am already judging myself. I don’t believe that I deserve a wonderful man. I have nothing to offer. I think that’s the biggest reason that I can’t bring myself to subscribe to eHarmony again, not because I truly don’t desire to be married. But why? Why do I want to be married? Why do I think that it would improve my life? I don’t believe the purpose of marriage is to make yourself happy. Marriage requires commitment, work, compromise, putting the other first, responsibility. It means a lot of changes and talking about issues like children or no children and things that I just don’t even have to worry about now. It is a transforming relationship. Iron sharpening iron and all that. Of course there is joy, affection, intimacy, mutual support and other good things that go along with it. But marriage is not a panacea to take away all insecurity, questions, loneliness, etc. So why do I still think that it is important to me? Maybe because right now it would be lovely to have someone come along and tell me that he likes me, cares about me, and thinks I am worth spending time with. Someone to make me feel like I am a special person when I feel like such a loser. But that is looking for validation and worth in the wrong place. God tells me that I am special. Just like the quote and the verses from yesterday, He created me and knew me from always. He loves me so much that he gave his life for me. That is what makes me special; no human love or human praise can compare with that. Validation is not a reason to want a relationship. So, just hold on to God and quit whining. If he has a relationship, he’ll make it happen. I go back and forth. I hardly dare to dream that someone could come into my life because it seems like setting myself up for disappointment. I am sometimes content and don’t think about it at all. Still, all around me are reminders that most other people date and eventually find a husband or a wife to share their lives. Not to mention the obsession with sex in our culture. It makes me feel like a freak sometimes. I would like to express those desires and that aspect of myself with someone that I love and trust. On the other hand I know that there is a lot more to life than just that. My identity as a feminine woman does not depend on that.

Comfort (a laptop backlog entry)

Quote from TV series Jeremiah spoken by Mr. Smith, a prophet character, to another character as a message to her from God.

I saw your face before you were born,
I knew your name before it was spoken,
I heard your voice before you cried at birth.
I bring only beautiful things into this world;
And you will, too, in your time.

This echoes several passages in scripture. It almost paraphrases the beginning of Psalm 139.

Other verses that echo aspects of this message:
Isaiah 62:3-4
John 15:5, 7-8
Jeremiah 1:5

I loved this so much when I heard it sometime last year as I watched the apocalyptic sci-fi series Jeremiah. I rewound the scene so I could write down the words. It comforted me deeply when I had been unemployed for months. I knew that there was biblical truth in it. I put the scrap of paper with this quote and the scripture references in my wallet so I could look at it and read it anytime. Now I am struggling again with my purpose and worth. I am wondering what my career path should be. This is again a comfort to me. God’s truth is always helpful. God, help me to grow in you and bear fruit for your kingdom. I’m still rough and unfinished, but you see the completed masterwork of your finished design in me. Help me to daily submit to your molding and not fight you. I want to be what you meant me to be, whatever that is. Help me to see your vision and trust you completely to provide and equip me for every task that you ask me to do. Fill me with joy and passion for your will, your work, and your Kingdom.