May 12, 2005

What's with relationships? (a laptop backlog entry)

I feel lost and adrift, questioning everything about my life. What I have I done with my life? What do I want to do? Everything is unsettled and up in the air. That is nothing new, but today it is bothering me. Qustions are nagging. Especially one question. Do I want to be in a relationship and eventually get married or not? What is it? There are so few single Christian men my age. There is one single man at the church I attend and he is quite standoffish. I tried at the Christian Singles group at MSN. Nothing there, either. I haven’t tried too hard, there, though. It’s not primarily a dating site, anyway. It’s for fellowship. The situation seems so completely hopeless. Besides, how can I meet someone new and tell him about my life when I have no idea what’s what in my life? Truth is that I’m soon to be unemployed, have no decent job prospects and no career momentum. I want to start something new but have no idea what direction to go or how to go about it. Not to mention that I live with my parents and don’t know when I’ll have the financial resources to move out and reliably support myself. Yeah, that sounds like a great introduction. He’ll judge me as some flaky, lazy idiot who hasn’t done anything with her life and is unlikely to have anything to bring to any happy life together. Truth is that right at this moment that is how I feel about myself. I am already judging myself. I don’t believe that I deserve a wonderful man. I have nothing to offer. I think that’s the biggest reason that I can’t bring myself to subscribe to eHarmony again, not because I truly don’t desire to be married. But why? Why do I want to be married? Why do I think that it would improve my life? I don’t believe the purpose of marriage is to make yourself happy. Marriage requires commitment, work, compromise, putting the other first, responsibility. It means a lot of changes and talking about issues like children or no children and things that I just don’t even have to worry about now. It is a transforming relationship. Iron sharpening iron and all that. Of course there is joy, affection, intimacy, mutual support and other good things that go along with it. But marriage is not a panacea to take away all insecurity, questions, loneliness, etc. So why do I still think that it is important to me? Maybe because right now it would be lovely to have someone come along and tell me that he likes me, cares about me, and thinks I am worth spending time with. Someone to make me feel like I am a special person when I feel like such a loser. But that is looking for validation and worth in the wrong place. God tells me that I am special. Just like the quote and the verses from yesterday, He created me and knew me from always. He loves me so much that he gave his life for me. That is what makes me special; no human love or human praise can compare with that. Validation is not a reason to want a relationship. So, just hold on to God and quit whining. If he has a relationship, he’ll make it happen. I go back and forth. I hardly dare to dream that someone could come into my life because it seems like setting myself up for disappointment. I am sometimes content and don’t think about it at all. Still, all around me are reminders that most other people date and eventually find a husband or a wife to share their lives. Not to mention the obsession with sex in our culture. It makes me feel like a freak sometimes. I would like to express those desires and that aspect of myself with someone that I love and trust. On the other hand I know that there is a lot more to life than just that. My identity as a feminine woman does not depend on that.

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