The Lady Washington 

The Cuauhtemoc, from Mexico and the Pallada, from Russia 

Rambling on and on

I have updated my resume, written a new cover letter, and made a new contact information sheet list of former employers for reference purposes. I haven't actually applied for any jobs yet. I tried to make another appointment with the job counselor, but she didn't answer my voicemail. When I called again, a couple of days later, her box was full and couldn't take any new voice messages.

I had a really great chat with my sister on IM today. It is so great to be able to do that. We shared photos back and forth and talked about silly things and about preparations for their relocation back to Washington. After the chat I read her journal, which I do more since she has been writing a lot lately. She wrote a really expressive, touching entry a couple of days ago about how she is overwhelmed by her husband's imminent departure to get things started here in Washington. I had to write her an e-mail in response. I know she is stronger than she thinks she is. I can't express how I appreciate the ability of the Internet to help us keep in touch with so many people no matter where they are. Of course there are cell phones and lots of plans that have no long distance charges, at least within North America. Still, I'mthrilled with the power of Internet communication tools.

One of the things my sister and I love to talk about is one of our favorite shows, What Not To Wear. They had a special three episode installment last night called What Went Wrong with outtakes and the moment where the first and only person ever refused their offer. In the end, it was all very anticlimactic and I'm glad that I was multitasking by doing stuff on the computer while it was on.

Now let me tell you about some accidental shopping yesterday. I took my photos to get developed and wandered around the mall. I went into my Lane Bryant store and they had a blazer that fit me nicely, except for the sleaves of course. I always have to have sleaves shortened. Thank God that they sell petite length pants and jeans or I'd have to have the legs shortened on each pair. I don't have any blazers and I've been wanting to find one for about a year. They didn't have many and only two in my size, so I had to jump on it before it was too late. Today I dropped it off at the tailor to get the sleaves shortened and in one week I can pick it up.

The pictures from the Tall Ships Festival in Tacoma turned out well. I'll post a couple to the journal.

There has been a little drama about the neighbors' cat. She has been ill and then disappeared for a couple of weeks. She returned yesterday and Mom and the neighbors together took her to the vet. They were expecting to have to put her to sleep. She is down to 4 pounds and looks like a skeleton with ratty tufts of fur. It's hard to see her like that. Incredibly, the vet didn't find any critical medical issues other than a horrible flea infestation and probable worms. He advised treating those and was hopeful that she would recover well. She was purring and took food and water while she was there. She didn't act like she was ready to go. From now on She will spend most days at our house and evenings/nights next door. She will be carried over and custody transered by hand. We have had an unusual kind of cat sharing arrangement with our neighbors for several years. Don't ask me to explain the whole story, please. Mom will have to do that in her own journal.

Yesterday evening I happened upon American Splendor on cable TV. What a great, surprising find. It is refreshing, unique, sarcastic, gritty, and even warm hearted at times while not being sentimental in the slightest. Paul Giamatti gives a wonderful performance as Harvey. Between this movie, Sideways, and Cinderella Man, I feel he has earned himself a reputation as a virtuoso comic and character actor. It's the story of Harvey Pekar, an underground comic book writer (he doesn't do the illustrations although he does sketch the page layouts with stick figures). He basically started making an autobiography in comic book form and it is titled American Splendor. He became very well known among comic book fans and even made regular appearances on David Letterman for a while in the 80's. Note to self: remember to ask my brother-in-law if he has ever read any of the comics. They would perfectly suit his taste and off-beat sense of humor.

Coming out of Hiding

I have been kind of hiding a bit since the end of class. I haven't known what to do with myself or what is next. I went into denial mode for a while. A couple of good things have happened in this time, though. I have started exercising with my mom. We both really need it. We do a Leslie Sansone one mile aerobic walking video. It has been about a week and a half since we started. We do it about every-other day. Last weekend I went on a weekend retreat called Walk to Emmaus. It was fantastic and I am really excited about getting started on things again. I needed to recharge my spiritual life and get a new perspective. I learned a lot and was really blessed. I recommend it highly. Weekends are offered all around the United States and even in other countries. It is similar to Cursillo, or Tres Dias.

In about 17-18 days my brother-in-law will arrive. He is coming ahead to look for a job before my sister comes. She'll continue her job in Oklahoma until He gets a job here. Then she'll sell their condo and come on over. I am excited and wondering how the transition will be for him and for my sister. I know it will be tough for her to stay in Oklahoma by herself.

I am going to go to Work Source Washington tomorrow and start gathering information about new jobs and what resources are available to help find work and get career guidance.

Party Prep

Party! Today is the day. I've been preparing for the party most of the day. I'm excited. I made a special chocolate cake, called "Turtle Cake". It's from the Cake Doctor cookbook. I am not a baker, but this is not too difficult for me. Like the candy, it turns out really gooey with caramel, pecans and lots of chocolate. There is melted semi-sweet chocolate on the top! Other students are bringing tamales, chicken mole, and flan. My mouth is watering in anticipation. I hope that the couple with the new baby come with the whole family. I bought film for my camera and will take pictures to document the evening. I chose two songs that I've been practicing for the sing-a-long. They are Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, by The Beatles, and Country Roads, by John Denver. It's always a bit of a challenge to chose the right song because it has to be singable, have lyrics that aren't too difficult, and be playable on the guitar. I think these are fun songs and the students will be able to sing them pretty easily. I also have lots of great feelings about Country Roads because we used to listen to John Denver in the car on every road trip and vacation. We were usually camping. When I sing Country Roads I feel like I'm back driving over a mountain pass with my family. As much fun as we had, it was always so good to come home. We were all tired and missing the comforts of home after 10-12 days driving and camping.

Reunion

I had a great visit with another old friend today. We met at Western Washington University and were roommates for a year. She still lives in Bellingham. I haven't seen her face to face in about 6 or 7 years. She brought me a late Christmas gift. We were going to see each other over the holidays, but that didn't work out. It was either illness or car trouble, I don't remember which. I had a small gift for her, too. We went out to lunch at a thai restaurant and then walked around the mall. We did a little shopping, too. Surprise, surprise. I needed some shower gel, so I bought a couple different fragrances and a matching salt scrub for one of them. I also had Real Woman dollar coupons to use at Lane Bryant and they are having their semi-anual sale on bras and panties. I stocked up. One of the bras is really pretty, kind of a periwinkle blue with some lace trim. Of course I bought some panties in a matching color as well as some white. Always useful, white. Don't know why you need to know the details of my little spree, except that since I'm soon to be unemployed I won't be going on a spree for a while. Could be a good while. Just thought I'd share the happiness and make the most of the moment. It's all useful basic stuff, too. I'm well stocked now and I even threw out any tired and worn stuff out of the drawer. It was fun shopping together. Over lunch and later a frozen fruit and tea drink in the food court, we talked about the old days and caught up on what's going on now. She works as a nursing assistant in a hospital and really enjoys it, although it is a challenging and stressful job. For her it is a ministry of mercy and help. We had good times in college, laughed a lot. Our favorite things to do were to get some munchies, stay up late and talk. There were dramatic times, too. It was college, of course. We had crushes and talked about guys a lot. I use guys because at that age they aren't boys but aren't really men either. We were also trying to figure out real life and grow up. I believed that one day I would have all the answers and everything would come together. I would have a map for the rest of my life and everything I needed to walk smoothly along that clear path. I realized around 29-30 years old that no one ever arrives at that point. There are always going to be surprises, crises, new challenges. That is what makes life exciting, sometimes scary, definitely not boring.

Downed Tree Roots 

Silo thing? 

Wild Flowers 

Mt Ranier 

Memorial Day Weekend

It has been a great Memorial Day weekend. My friend came Friday morning and we had a relaxed day catching up. I took her to a taqueria that has fresh, authentic Mexican food. We both love Mexican food. We also watched As Time Goes By on DVD. It's a great British sitcom that my Mom loves. I bought her seasons 1 and 2 on DVD for Christmas last year. My friend has been having health problems and she really loves things that can make her laugh. I wanted to introduce her to this series and give her a little more laughter. She loved it. Over the course of the weekend we watched 7 episodes. Yesterday we drove to the base of Mount Ranier and enjoyed the perfect, sunny day. We ate a picnic lunch at Longmire with a gorgeous view of the mountain- chicken salad, a croisant, and an apple. I brought my guitar, so we found a place to sit and sing. I brought my camera and took some photos of the mountain and a meadow that we walked around. The trail is called "Trail of Shadows". On the way home, we stopped and I got some pictures of some metal sculptures at a place called "Spirits of Iron". There was also, further down the way, a rusted metal thing that looked kind of like a silo but I don't know exactly what it was. It was really interesting so I took a picture of that, too. I'll put any really good pictures up on the site after I get them developed. I haven't switched to digital photography yet. I still use a 35 milimeter camera and have to develop the rolls as I finish them. This roll has 3 pictures left. Maybe I'll take a few pictures of the neighbors' cat. Her name is Scruffy and she comes to visit regularly.

Today my friend went home. After she left, my parents and I went to see my Grandfather and put flowers on some family graves. It has been a full day. Grandpa was not feeling well a couple of weeks ago and got dehydrated. He actually went to the emergency room. He's much better now. His appetite is back.

Preparing for Memorial Day Weekend

Tomorrow morning a friend of mine is coming over for the weekend. We were both teaching in Korea and now she lives in Washington State. I won't be writing for a few days, but I'm sure I'll have a fun story or two to tell. Today there was no class because the elementary school that hosts us is having teacher in-service days today and tomorrow. There were 4 students again last night. We planned a party for the last day of class which will be June 8. I am practicing my guitar. I restrung it on Tuesday. We'll sing a couple of songs at the party. There will also be delicious tamales and posole made by my students. Yum! I can't wait.

Today I've been cleaning and clearing out clutter to get ready for my friends visit. It feels great to get things cleared out.

I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to go to the theatre to see Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith or just wait till it's on video or cable TV. I was so dissapointed in the first to prequels. But the chance to see the actual transition from Anakin to Darth Vader and complete the whole series is tempting. I have read pretty good reviews of it. Hmmm. . .

Starting Over

Well, it looks like I did abandon my online journal. I didn’t intend to and now I’m back. I have been working one part-time job. It looks like that will be finished in two weeks. There has not been good attendance at the class (usually 2-3 students) and the administration decided not to continue the class during the summer. That means that whatever momentum and involvement there is now will be lost. Starting in the fall will be like beginning from scratch. I don’t think they have the commitment to this program to do that (marketing, recruiting, promoting). The supervision switched from the main campus of the college to a closer but smaller satellite campus. They have been a little overwhelmed trying to deal with this class (testing, support for registration and whatnot). I like my supervisor a lot but she really seems overworked and overwhelmed. She has told me to look for another job and most likely there will not be a Fall session at the elementary school site. I’m sad but also a little relieved. The dwindling class has been a bit discouraging and it has been hard for me to keep motivated. Last night was great, though. There were 4 students. That was a record attendance in the last three weeks. Pretty sad, huh. I have been seriously thinking about leaving teaching and starting something else. Library is one idea that I have thought about and even discussed in this journal. I also would really like to talk to a professional career counselor, someone who has reliable information resources and knowledge about what kind of possibilities are out there. I really just want a full time job that is reliable and provides medical benefits. I know that job security is an illusion these days. I’m not looking for 25 years and a gold watch guarantee. But there must be something more secure than adult education where everything is dependant on a grant and up and down student enrollment. Something that at least is going to be secure for a couple of years. Perhaps that’s too much to ask, but I don’t think so. At least this class is going to finish well. I’ve already talked to them about organizing a party for the last day of class. Everyone can bring some food and we’ll enjoy a good celebration. They were excited about it. I would like to invite some of the students who are not attending anymore but who came for a long time. I think it would be great if a few of them would come.

I have been thinking a lot about this but haven’t done anything about it. I really should call the college HR department and see what kind of counseling I can get while I’m still an employee. I should also look into what jobs may be available in the college’s library. I haven’t acted on that yet, though. My supervisor did give me a couple of names of library staff to talk to. Yes, I am really good at avoidance when I’m starting something new and embarking on an activity that I dislike. I really do hate looking for a job. I need to change that attitude though. It is exciting, an adventure. New ideas and new opportunities await.

So, what have I been doing with myself? Watching too much TV, occasionally feeling sorry for myself, enjoying my computer, reading. I discovered a new TV show that I like. It’s called Starting Over. There is a group of women living in a house and each one of them has something to overcome. One woman is trying to repair broken relationships in her life, another is seeking to find her own identity apart from her famous sister (Tony Braxton). Each woman has a goal or a challenge to face and they live together as they work with life coaches and a consulting psychiatrist. Together they learn to heal and face their fears as they transform their lives.

I purchased a laptop about a little over a month ago. I haven’t had my very own computer since I left Massachusetts and abandoned the PC that I purchased when I went back to school for my Masters degree. I used it for 5 years and I discovered the Internet on that computer. My new computer is a notebook and I love it. I’ve never used a notebook computer before. I like the portable size and flexibility of it. I don’t have one of the small 12-13 inch ones. Those are just too cramped and uncomfortable. Not to mention that the screen is so small and annoying to read. I think the tiny ones are great for traveling and when you really take it everywhere. This is a widescreen (15.4 inch) and the keyboard is comfortable for everyday use. I can also watch DVD’s on it, which is great. I can now watch any of my DVD’s upstairs in my bedroom no matter who is watching the big TV downstairs that the DVD player is attached to. I started a journal on my new computer and perhaps I will post some of those entries. I must honestly admit that I am a little hesitant to do that because they are a little raw and revealing. Some of them I wrote as prayers and I doubt that I’ll put them up on the Internet. Yes, I do have my limits and boundaries.

Fun highlights:

I went to the Seattle Opera with my Mom on Mother’s Day and saw Tales of Hoffman. What a fabulous treat that was. It was a marvelous production and wonderfully entertaining, especially the hilarious first act. I wonder if it is always so funny. They really played it for all the laughs. The three acts tell about the three doomed loves of Hoffman’s life. The first act tells how he fell in love with a robot. He was wearing special rose colored glasses at the time so he believed she was a living woman. (Don’t ask, it’s opera and it never makes sense.)

Last Saturday I went to Seattle and met an old college friend at the street fair in the U District. I hadn’t seen her since November. There were lots of arts and crafts, musicians, and yummy food booths. We listened to a fun blue grass/country/rock style band. I had a blackened salmon sandwich which was delicious. We had dinner later at a Greek restaurant called Costas. I bought a beautiful bracelet of carnelian, agate, and yellow jade with matching earrings.

Discovering the Power of Joy (a laptop backlog entry)

How has my understanding of God’s will and purpose for my life changed as a result of studying the book of Acts this year in BSF? I know the first answer to the question “Why am I here?” is simply this. To be a witness to the gospel of Christ and what I have seen God do. Similar to Paul’s commission. It’s also the commission that Jesus himself gave to all the disciples before he ascended into heaven. “You will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, Samaria and the whole world.” “Go, and make disciples”. There are a lot of details to be worked out. But that is the ultimate goal; that is the eternal fruit.

God’s specific plans for me and his priorities are different from mine. That has caused some discomfort and some resistance from me. To be honest, it still does. I want to be happy, comfortable, and enjoy life while I’m here on earth. I want low stress, my needs and wants abundantly met. In this culture, I have learned that it’s not enough just to have my needs met, but they should be met instantly. I don’t want to wait for things. I want to have control over my time, my environment, my job, my food cravings catered to, to be able to shop when I want to shop, and to have the things that I think I should have. I want to enjoy time with friends. I don’t like change too much, so I would like it on my terms and to keep the things that I want to keep. I want to experience the happiness, comfort and affection of loving a special man and having a good marriage. I want to feel accepted, loved and that I have a secure place and know where I belong in this world. I want to feel worthy of the respect of others. Some of these things are not bad things. Some of these things are pure selfishness. Some of these things are going along with the expectations and definitions of the world.

God has good plans, but they don’t place a priority on my happiness and enjoyment of the details and circumstances of my life. Not that he wants me to be miserable and that pleasure and enjoyment are automatically wrong or contrary to God’s plan. God has something deeper and more real, though. Joy. Joy does not depend on any outside circumstances, experiences, or even emotions (which are fleeting and are mere responses). Joy is rooted in deep knowledge and confidence in real truth. Joy gives strength, hope, and peace in all circumstances. Joy grasps God’s unfailing love and rock solid character to provide a foundation. Joy allows believers to obey willingly and endure life’s trials and suffering. Not just endure, but overcome and grow through the suffering- giving glory to God and witnessing to the world the power and truth of the gospel.

What's with relationships? (a laptop backlog entry)

I feel lost and adrift, questioning everything about my life. What I have I done with my life? What do I want to do? Everything is unsettled and up in the air. That is nothing new, but today it is bothering me. Qustions are nagging. Especially one question. Do I want to be in a relationship and eventually get married or not? What is it? There are so few single Christian men my age. There is one single man at the church I attend and he is quite standoffish. I tried at the Christian Singles group at MSN. Nothing there, either. I haven’t tried too hard, there, though. It’s not primarily a dating site, anyway. It’s for fellowship. The situation seems so completely hopeless. Besides, how can I meet someone new and tell him about my life when I have no idea what’s what in my life? Truth is that I’m soon to be unemployed, have no decent job prospects and no career momentum. I want to start something new but have no idea what direction to go or how to go about it. Not to mention that I live with my parents and don’t know when I’ll have the financial resources to move out and reliably support myself. Yeah, that sounds like a great introduction. He’ll judge me as some flaky, lazy idiot who hasn’t done anything with her life and is unlikely to have anything to bring to any happy life together. Truth is that right at this moment that is how I feel about myself. I am already judging myself. I don’t believe that I deserve a wonderful man. I have nothing to offer. I think that’s the biggest reason that I can’t bring myself to subscribe to eHarmony again, not because I truly don’t desire to be married. But why? Why do I want to be married? Why do I think that it would improve my life? I don’t believe the purpose of marriage is to make yourself happy. Marriage requires commitment, work, compromise, putting the other first, responsibility. It means a lot of changes and talking about issues like children or no children and things that I just don’t even have to worry about now. It is a transforming relationship. Iron sharpening iron and all that. Of course there is joy, affection, intimacy, mutual support and other good things that go along with it. But marriage is not a panacea to take away all insecurity, questions, loneliness, etc. So why do I still think that it is important to me? Maybe because right now it would be lovely to have someone come along and tell me that he likes me, cares about me, and thinks I am worth spending time with. Someone to make me feel like I am a special person when I feel like such a loser. But that is looking for validation and worth in the wrong place. God tells me that I am special. Just like the quote and the verses from yesterday, He created me and knew me from always. He loves me so much that he gave his life for me. That is what makes me special; no human love or human praise can compare with that. Validation is not a reason to want a relationship. So, just hold on to God and quit whining. If he has a relationship, he’ll make it happen. I go back and forth. I hardly dare to dream that someone could come into my life because it seems like setting myself up for disappointment. I am sometimes content and don’t think about it at all. Still, all around me are reminders that most other people date and eventually find a husband or a wife to share their lives. Not to mention the obsession with sex in our culture. It makes me feel like a freak sometimes. I would like to express those desires and that aspect of myself with someone that I love and trust. On the other hand I know that there is a lot more to life than just that. My identity as a feminine woman does not depend on that.

Comfort (a laptop backlog entry)

Quote from TV series Jeremiah spoken by Mr. Smith, a prophet character, to another character as a message to her from God.

I saw your face before you were born,
I knew your name before it was spoken,
I heard your voice before you cried at birth.
I bring only beautiful things into this world;
And you will, too, in your time.

This echoes several passages in scripture. It almost paraphrases the beginning of Psalm 139.

Other verses that echo aspects of this message:
Isaiah 62:3-4
John 15:5, 7-8
Jeremiah 1:5

I loved this so much when I heard it sometime last year as I watched the apocalyptic sci-fi series Jeremiah. I rewound the scene so I could write down the words. It comforted me deeply when I had been unemployed for months. I knew that there was biblical truth in it. I put the scrap of paper with this quote and the scripture references in my wallet so I could look at it and read it anytime. Now I am struggling again with my purpose and worth. I am wondering what my career path should be. This is again a comfort to me. God’s truth is always helpful. God, help me to grow in you and bear fruit for your kingdom. I’m still rough and unfinished, but you see the completed masterwork of your finished design in me. Help me to daily submit to your molding and not fight you. I want to be what you meant me to be, whatever that is. Help me to see your vision and trust you completely to provide and equip me for every task that you ask me to do. Fill me with joy and passion for your will, your work, and your Kingdom.

Rambling Reflections (a laptop backlog entry)

Today is the day I’m leaving for the Kingdom Weekend retreat. I hope that it is really good. I’m sure it will be. I just took a shower. I’m mostly packed. I bought a really good movie today with a coupon and double points on my movie club membership. Starting Over is going to be on TV any minute. I like that show. I think of my parents’ house as a starting over house for me; it is just taking a long time for me to graduate. The show today was dealing a lot with hidden anger and a woman who is denying and obstructing any discussion or work on her anger. It was interesting. It made me wonder if I have a well of hidden anger. I think I do let some anger build up, but then at some point I usually vent it and own up to what has made me angry. I usually cry and write and pray it out. Sometimes I’ve been angry at myself, sometimes at God, at situations.

Anger List: The biggest things I’ve been angry about at one time or another in the past two years

Not finding a job
Not finding a husband
Myself being lazy or procrastinating
Being pressured into commitments that I don’t want to make
Having nothing to show for what I’ve been doing with my life, feeling that I’ve wasted my life.
That I sometimes fail to keep in communication with friends that I care about, not replying to e-mail or sending them a letter or calling when I say that I will.
Having to wait and wait without knowing when or how God is going to provide for something that I need or that I think that I need.
Being ignored by all those men at eHarmony


Well, that is a starter list. There may be some things just simmering under the surface. Last year about this time I went to the Kingdom Weekend and didn’t realize how angry I was at God for not meeting the expectations that I had. I felt that I had been working hard at doing the right thing and building a new life here and it wasn’t going very well. I was working at a job that I didn’t like and was just a temporary thing. I had been working hard at eHarmony and found only rejection. I had really imagined getting a career started and a wonderful, loving relationship that would turn into a lasting marriage. I had dreamed that a whole new and exciting life would start. I was really angry because things in my new life were not shaping into what I hoped for and it was deeply disappointing. I felt that God owed me the fulfillment of some of those dreams because I was trying my best to do what I thought was right. Not that I was living perfectly and I still am not living perfectly. But I was trying my best.

Where have I come since last year? Have I made any progress in my walk with God or in my new life in Washington State? I’m in a job that is very precarious and may possibly end permanently in about a month. But it is a teaching job at a community college, which is exactly what I was dreaming about. I had another teaching job for several months and that one ended due to a lack of students and due to, partly, my lack of ability to handle the incredibly diverse needs and desires of the students. I tried my best and I prayed really hard for wisdom and creativity and insight. It just didn’t work out that well and I wasn’t really sad when it was over because I was also really stressed out by the way things were run there and it was not a great working environment for me. There were communication problems which led to not having important information about the schedule or other things I needed to be able to do my job well and give the students the right information about programs and events.

I quit eHarmony and have had some temptation to start again, but haven’t renewed my membership. I won’t say that I never will. I still have a profile there and I haven’t closed it out. But I am less and less tempted to open the membership because I feel that everything in my life is still too unsettled. I think if I had a more secure job that paid me fairly well and I was moved in to an apartment, then I would be much more tempted to open the membership up. I am embarrassed by my present circumstances still and don’t want to have to tell a man who may start communicating with me that I live with my parents and don’t have a car or a dependable job. I don’t believe that he would accept me. I’m not sure that I accept my circumstances fully. Sometimes I feel like such a loser and a failure because I can’t support myself. Then I tell myself that God doesn’t judge me by my paycheck or by what I do or own. He still loves me. That is true. He does love me unconditionally and my worth and my salvation are not based on my acts or on worldly success.

God defines success very differently. But I still can’t help being angry with myself and I get depressed because I feel like a failure, not knowing know how to build this new life. I am angry because I had the dream jobs that I wanted and they weren’t the answer. I am seriously thinking of not teaching anymore and finding another career path. I don’t even know what career path I should follow. I have not been able to manage my professional life well. But I do praise God that with the money that I made in Korea and the money that I have made in the piece meal jobs I have been working at here and there that I am almost out of debt. I don’t have any credit card debt at all. I am still paying my student loan and I have not missed a payment once in almost two years since I’ve been here. That is such a huge load off. That debt was killing and choking me in Massachusetts and it seemed I would never be out from under it.

Thank you, God. Praise you for always provided what I really need. You have proven yourself totally faithful. Yet still I seek to build a little scaffold of worldly security that I can lean on so that I don’t have to get in a tight spot and wonder how you are going to get me out of it. You always do, but I get so frustrated in the middle of it. Sometimes I do trust and I know your peace in the middle. But often I run around in my own strength exhausting myself because I’m panicked in the darkness and don’t trust that the light is going to come before it’s too late. I get embarrassed when I have to tell strangers about my life because I feel that they judge me the way that the worldly part of my mind judges me- as a failure and a slacker. Progress that I’ve made is that I don’t expect God to just grant my wishes because I try to please him. I have had part of my dream come true. I saw that it wasn’t the answer that I expected.

Now I’m ready to quit teaching. What next? What dream? I don’t know. Dreams lead to disappointment anyway. There is only security and happiness in eternity. No dream can satisfy now in this life. Then what is the point of dreaming and making goals? Well, they can be helpful to motivate you and get you going in the right direction. God has plans for me. Those plans are for good- to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. Ultimately that is in eternity. But I do believe that he has positive things for me in this life, too. His plans will help me to have the most fulfilling and satisfying life possible for me in this world. It may not be materially rich and satisfying that way. But there are many kinds of “riches”. I ask God to help me see his vision and to help me be passionate about the things that He wants me to do. I have no idea what the results will be. It is a little scary that way because I like to feel a little bit more in control.

I love Spring Break

It's Saturday and the school is on Spring break next week, so I will have a bit of a vacation. It's nice to be so relaxed. I love having free time. I'm definitely not a workaholic, though I do enjoy teaching. My students are so kind and they really want to learn. It's so exciting to help them prepare to meet goals and learn skills that will make their lives here much better. They also treat each other like family. It's a community. Let me give an example. We had class on Ash Wednesday. There were 9 students there and all of them except 2 left early to go to the Catholic church 1/2 a block away. The two students and I enjoyed infomal class for the last 20 minutes. The next evening one of the two faithful students told me about what happened after class. She and the other woman who stayed were walking to her car in the parking lot. It was dark and the parking lot was empty. They saw that there was a truck parked next to her car. As they drew closer, they saw that there was a man in the truck. The truck's door opened and the man stepped out. The two women were quite scared. The man approached them and suddenly they recognized him as one of their classmates. He had brought ashes from the church and carried them in his hand to mark their forheads with a cross. She laughed as she told me the story.

What plans do I have for the break? Enjoy my free time by watching movies, relaxing, reading, shopping.

No, I haven't abandonned this journal

I just finished (at 2:40 this afternoon) the last paperwork for Winter Quarter 2005 and I feel like celebrating. This week was the first week of classes for Spring Quarter 2005. Three weeks ago I was let go from the other job because the registration has been going down. They didn’t have enough students to offer me any hours. This week I was substituting for my friend who is still teaching for them. She is the one who gave them my name and helped me get the job. Things have been busy, stressful and I’ve been bordering on depressed. It showed in being very negative and grumpy at home. Every little thing felt like a big problem and took a lot of energy and made me anxious. My mom actually told me that I had been acting miserable for a while. I was trying to deal with things in my own strength and not setting my mind and my hope in God. I’ve barely been keeping up with my Bible study and kind of just going through the motions.

Last weekend my aunt, uncle, and cousins came for a visit. My oldest cousin, who got married a few weeks after I returned from Korea, had a baby 8 months ago. None of us here in Washington have seen him. He is my grandfather’s first great-grandchild. We were all thrilled to see him and he is a wonderful, easy-going baby with strawberry blond hair and the biggest, brightest blue eyes you can imagine. It was also my aunt’s birthday and we had a great time as a family. I hadn’t seen my cousins at all since the wedding in September 2003. We went to a PBR (Professional Bull Riding) show in Tacoma. It was a lot of fun. That weekend was the only truly enjoyable thing that I can remember in the last month.

My sister and her husband are really getting serious about getting up here soon. They are actually starting to look at house listings. It also looks like they will bring the youngest kid with them. She is 14 or 15 years old. My brother-in-law had two children with his first wife. They have been married for 5 years and don’t have any children together. They don’t want any more children. The two girls have been living with their mother, but there have been a lot of problems lately. Their mother has been having terrible fights with her live-in boyfriend.

February: Valentine's Day, Birthday, and Super Bowl

This has been a great weekend. I had a good meeting with my supervisor from the community college to start getting ready for what needs to be finished for the end of the quarter which is in the middle of March. Yes, just over a month away. It is really comforting, though, to start getting ready now because I know that things will get hectic and overwhelming if I don’t think ahead and keep up. So far I’ve been doing well with that.

My birthday is this month. I took some of my first paychecks and bought myself a piece of jewelry. There was a one-day sale at the store and I got a really good deal. The pendant was already 50% off and then the one-day sale added another 20% discount. It’s a fairly large, square, peridot with lots of facets so the light really dances and makes it brilliant. Peridot is my current favorite gemstone other than amethyst. Of course, amethyst is my birthstone. I am wearing the pendant right now and I really love how it looks. The chain is at just the right length , so it is sitting level with my collar-bone which is very flattering. It makes a lovely set with the peridot earrings that I have and a silver and green turquoise ring that I have.

Hey, if you don’t have a special someone to buy you jewelry, then you have to buy it for yourself. Seriously, ladies. If you can, you deserve it. Don’t go overboard, of course; be responsible. But if you like pretty jewelry, don’t wait until some man decides to buy one for you. I also consider the pendant a consolation gift for not having any valentine to look forward to. I don’t get as bothered by this holiday as I used to. It used to be a difficult and painful reminder of something I felt was missing. I was alone, left out in the cold. I no longer feel incomplete, but it is still a reminder of a dream that I have left behind. I have not re-opened a membership at eHharmony and I think it unlikely that I will do so. I did get slightly snippy when someone at church suggested that I go to the sweetheart dinner. He just wanted to sell a ticket and raise more money. There is still a little bit of a nerve there, but it does not hurt nearly the way that it used to years ago.

Our Super Bowl menu is barbecued beef sandwiches, potato salad, and jalepeno poppers. We have a great recipe for simple and relatively light jalepeno poppers. The filling is low-fat cream cheese with a little bit of low-fat cheddar and some fat-free mayonnaise. You cut the peppers in half lengthwise and spoon out all the seeds. Now you can put the filling into each half. Then you dip the side with the filling into egg-white and then into a small bowl of crushed corn flakes. So, just the top half is “breaded”, and the corn flakes are really crunchy. Then you bake them at 375 degrees for 25-30 minutes. They are not deep-fried, which cuts a lot of fat. They are pretty healthy and taste great! We love them!