News about the cat. We weighed her and she was 5 lbs. on our scale. She has more energy and is definitely acting like she feels better. She was extremely clingy for a few days. Mom called her “Velcro kitty”. She has always liked to sit in your lap or in front of the keyboard when you are at the computer. These days she will definitely not leave you alone if you are on the computer. When I’m at my laptop there is no room on the desk and the touch pad is directly in front of the keyboard, so she can’t sit there. Instead she drapes herself across my arms and makes it very hard to type. She isn’t here now, or I couldn’t type an entry. We are very happy that she is recovering.
I finished my full resume on the state site so I can take tests online and apply for jobs with Washington State. It took a long time to finish because I couldn’t just cut and paste from my resume file. They also wanted complete address information for every job in my employment history. I had to dig in a file to get addresses for my oldest jobs.
Mom and I spent some time today preparing a room for my brother-in-law who will arrive sometime late on Saturday evening. He is driving from Oklahoma. We want to make sure he is comfortable and feels welcome. I suggested a special recipe that we should prepare on Sunday to celebrate his arrival. It’s one we saw on Food 911. I want it so be a surprise, so I can’t say what it is. My sister reads my journal and I am sure that he also has the address.
We are also purging some stuff and preparing a donation for a charity that will come to our house next week. We have purged a lot of stuff since I returned in 2003. There is still more to go. I thought that since I have been moving at least every 3 years all of my adult life, which forces regular purges of extra belongings, that I didn’t have much flotsam and jetsam cluttering my life. As I have helped my mom purge, I have also gone through my own stuff and it is surprising what I have managed to keep. Since coming home, I’ve gone through several boxes of stuff from college and even earlier, like digging through archeological layers. Of course this older stuff was left behind at my parent’s home while I was traipsing all around. It is only fair that now I help Mom sort stuff out and get her house back. Some fossils found in the strata: two grade reports from middle school, my SAT score record, and judges’ evaluation sheets from the district solo voice contest from each year of high school (83-87).
Today in the spare room I stumbled upon a small stash of cards, letters, and assorted papers from my first two years of college. The only thing I am keeping is a beautiful card from my grandmother with a note with news about what she had been doing that week, just to keep in touch. I also found several letters from one of my few good friends that I had in high school. I was not social and had very few friends then. Unfortunately, we didn’t keep in touch after the first year of college because I accidentally stood her up when were both home for Christmas break. I had stayed up really late the night before (I sometimes had insomnia back then) and slept until noon or so the next day. We were supposed to meet at 9:00 AM or something like that. I called her and left an apology on the answering machine. I called her several times, but she would not return any of my calls. I wrote to her, too. She never accepted my apology. I paused, thinking for a minute about keeping them, before I put her letters in the bag of paper for recycling. I hadn’t thought about her in years. I wonder where she is. I hope she is well and happy. I suppose I should go to my next high school reunion and see if she is there. Oooh, maybe not. I can’t imagine enjoying the “haven’t I been wonderfully successful and look how cool I still am” competition with all the people who were little more than strangers to me even back then.
July 14, 2005
July 11, 2005
Happy Endorphines
"Exercise gives you endorphines, endorphines make you happy, happy people just don't shoot their husbands....they just don't." - Legally Blonde.
This movie was on TBS or TNT or whatever last night and I had it on in the background while I was on the computer doing my journal and wandering around the Internet. I thought this was an amusing quote and a good start for today's entry since it ties in with today's main subject. Mom and I have continued our exercising. We have skipped a few times and we still don't do it every day, but we both feel good to have a start and encourage each other to keep it up. Soon I'll start doing the pilates work out and alternate days. I believe that 4 days a week of cardio should be the minimum. I'll have to check out some exercise information to make sure. 5 days of cardio would be best, I think. Some days I may want to do both and other days I can just do pilates. Pilates is good for strenth, balance, and toning. Toning helps you burn more calories all day long, no matter what you're doing. Mom can really tell the difference when she exercises because her back doesn't hurt. Of course, for so long a sore back was a good excuse for not exercising. Now it is clear that the exercise is vital to keep her back strong and stop pain from robbing her of activity and quality of life. I'm so pleased for her. I know it is helping me, too, althought the results aren't so noticeable yet. I am conerned about my heart and my blood pressure, though. I know that at my last check up two years ago my blood pressure was not good. My heart rate could be lower in general. That is a sign of poor cardio conditioning. I try and be very careful when I exercise not to push myself too hard and overstrain my heart. I watch my breathing and listen carefully to how my body feels. I know it would be best to monitor these things with regular checks, but I don't have any insurance.
I am going to put my resume on the Washington State employment site so I can look for and apply for state jobs. I'm not sure what I expect to find, but the counselor recommended it when I was there almost two weeks ago. I will also call the Work Source office again and see if I can make an appointment. I wonder if she has checked her messages! Wait! - The phone just rang and it was... You genius, how did you guess? She returned my call and I have an appointment for late afternoon on the 19th. She will be out of the office the rest of the week. There are other counselors in the office. I don't want to give the idea that there is no one working at the state employment office. I suppose I could insist on seeing one of the other counselors, but I'm willing to drag my feet for a while. You know I don't enjoy this process. If I don't think I'm getting much accomplished after another meeting or two with her, I may ask to see another counselor. There is also a series of workshops that may have some helpful information and tips on searching and interviewing. I plan to attend those. The next series is the week of the 18th through the 22nd. However, that week is the week of Serenghetti Trek. It is this summer's vacation Bible school program at my church. I volunteered to be an assistant teacher. The registration for those is already full, anyway.
This movie was on TBS or TNT or whatever last night and I had it on in the background while I was on the computer doing my journal and wandering around the Internet. I thought this was an amusing quote and a good start for today's entry since it ties in with today's main subject. Mom and I have continued our exercising. We have skipped a few times and we still don't do it every day, but we both feel good to have a start and encourage each other to keep it up. Soon I'll start doing the pilates work out and alternate days. I believe that 4 days a week of cardio should be the minimum. I'll have to check out some exercise information to make sure. 5 days of cardio would be best, I think. Some days I may want to do both and other days I can just do pilates. Pilates is good for strenth, balance, and toning. Toning helps you burn more calories all day long, no matter what you're doing. Mom can really tell the difference when she exercises because her back doesn't hurt. Of course, for so long a sore back was a good excuse for not exercising. Now it is clear that the exercise is vital to keep her back strong and stop pain from robbing her of activity and quality of life. I'm so pleased for her. I know it is helping me, too, althought the results aren't so noticeable yet. I am conerned about my heart and my blood pressure, though. I know that at my last check up two years ago my blood pressure was not good. My heart rate could be lower in general. That is a sign of poor cardio conditioning. I try and be very careful when I exercise not to push myself too hard and overstrain my heart. I watch my breathing and listen carefully to how my body feels. I know it would be best to monitor these things with regular checks, but I don't have any insurance.
I am going to put my resume on the Washington State employment site so I can look for and apply for state jobs. I'm not sure what I expect to find, but the counselor recommended it when I was there almost two weeks ago. I will also call the Work Source office again and see if I can make an appointment. I wonder if she has checked her messages! Wait! - The phone just rang and it was... You genius, how did you guess? She returned my call and I have an appointment for late afternoon on the 19th. She will be out of the office the rest of the week. There are other counselors in the office. I don't want to give the idea that there is no one working at the state employment office. I suppose I could insist on seeing one of the other counselors, but I'm willing to drag my feet for a while. You know I don't enjoy this process. If I don't think I'm getting much accomplished after another meeting or two with her, I may ask to see another counselor. There is also a series of workshops that may have some helpful information and tips on searching and interviewing. I plan to attend those. The next series is the week of the 18th through the 22nd. However, that week is the week of Serenghetti Trek. It is this summer's vacation Bible school program at my church. I volunteered to be an assistant teacher. The registration for those is already full, anyway.
July 10, 2005
Fear or Faith?
What is the scariest thing about being single? For me it is one thing; the thought of being elderly, ill, destitute, and all alone. Of course, this can happen to widows and widowers as well. My grandmother was widowed in late middle-age and lived almost 4 decades as a widow. She never married again. But she was never ill, destitute, and all alone. Quite the contrary, she was always close to friends and family. But if you are single and never have any children, what family do you have when you are in your advanced years? If you get sick and have no money or any family around you, what can you do? You are utterly alone, forgotten, forlorn, and desperate. The desire for security leads me to seek for something to trust in this world. But God is ultimately the provider of all good things. He knows every need we have. God is able to provide finances, help and friends. He already has in other situations. Why would that change in the future? It also discounts the power of friendship. As long as I remain social and nurture healthy friendships, I don’t need to fear being forgotten and abandoned. Even if that did happen, God would stay constantly near me in my suffering until it was time to welcome me home to the place that he has been preparing for me. He promised, “Let not your heart be troubled. Trust in God. Trust also in me… I go to prepare a place for you.” (John 14:1-3). That is what Jesus told the disciples and it is true for all those who believe in him. So whether I marry eventually or not, it does not change the source of my security. There is no reason to fear. He also promised, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11).
There is someone I occasionally see who gets on my nerves. Mostly because he reminds me of what the culture of the American Dream values most and how it measures people. His conversation is mostly like this, “Steve Foster has done really well. He’s made a lot of money in Real Estate. He sold a 2 million dollar house on Lake Washington to one of the Seahawk players. He married Jill, one of the Meyer girls from the old neighborhood. They travel to Europe every year and take cruises. They have 3 great kids who have great jobs and make a very good living. The oldest just got married and her husband is a doctor. They bought their first house for over 700,000 dollars. They can afford it.” (names changed to protect the innocent. Ha Ha.) It is all about how much money people’s houses cost, having a great career, earning a high salary to pay for the house, and associating with well known people. He loves to drop names. It makes me nuts to listen to him for too long. I admit that it wouldn’t make me quite so frustrated if I had any of those things. It feeds into the part of me that still would like to have some security and to feel recognition and approval from the world around me. But I can’t buy into those values as the real measure of my worth as a person. I need to be more like another person I saw today. She is a feisty rebel and has never apologized for who she is. She has gone against the grain and led an unconventional life. She raised her children as a single mother when there were very few single parents. She worked in a male dominated career and provided successfully for her family. She is strong-willed, brash, funny, courageous. She is a risk-taker.
There is someone I occasionally see who gets on my nerves. Mostly because he reminds me of what the culture of the American Dream values most and how it measures people. His conversation is mostly like this, “Steve Foster has done really well. He’s made a lot of money in Real Estate. He sold a 2 million dollar house on Lake Washington to one of the Seahawk players. He married Jill, one of the Meyer girls from the old neighborhood. They travel to Europe every year and take cruises. They have 3 great kids who have great jobs and make a very good living. The oldest just got married and her husband is a doctor. They bought their first house for over 700,000 dollars. They can afford it.” (names changed to protect the innocent. Ha Ha.) It is all about how much money people’s houses cost, having a great career, earning a high salary to pay for the house, and associating with well known people. He loves to drop names. It makes me nuts to listen to him for too long. I admit that it wouldn’t make me quite so frustrated if I had any of those things. It feeds into the part of me that still would like to have some security and to feel recognition and approval from the world around me. But I can’t buy into those values as the real measure of my worth as a person. I need to be more like another person I saw today. She is a feisty rebel and has never apologized for who she is. She has gone against the grain and led an unconventional life. She raised her children as a single mother when there were very few single parents. She worked in a male dominated career and provided successfully for her family. She is strong-willed, brash, funny, courageous. She is a risk-taker.
July 09, 2005
July 08, 2005
Rambling on and on
I have updated my resume, written a new cover letter, and made a new contact information sheet list of former employers for reference purposes. I haven't actually applied for any jobs yet. I tried to make another appointment with the job counselor, but she didn't answer my voicemail. When I called again, a couple of days later, her box was full and couldn't take any new voice messages.
I had a really great chat with my sister on IM today. It is so great to be able to do that. We shared photos back and forth and talked about silly things and about preparations for their relocation back to Washington. After the chat I read her journal, which I do more since she has been writing a lot lately. She wrote a really expressive, touching entry a couple of days ago about how she is overwhelmed by her husband's imminent departure to get things started here in Washington. I had to write her an e-mail in response. I know she is stronger than she thinks she is. I can't express how I appreciate the ability of the Internet to help us keep in touch with so many people no matter where they are. Of course there are cell phones and lots of plans that have no long distance charges, at least within North America. Still, I'mthrilled with the power of Internet communication tools.
One of the things my sister and I love to talk about is one of our favorite shows, What Not To Wear. They had a special three episode installment last night called What Went Wrong with outtakes and the moment where the first and only person ever refused their offer. In the end, it was all very anticlimactic and I'm glad that I was multitasking by doing stuff on the computer while it was on.
Now let me tell you about some accidental shopping yesterday. I took my photos to get developed and wandered around the mall. I went into my Lane Bryant store and they had a blazer that fit me nicely, except for the sleaves of course. I always have to have sleaves shortened. Thank God that they sell petite length pants and jeans or I'd have to have the legs shortened on each pair. I don't have any blazers and I've been wanting to find one for about a year. They didn't have many and only two in my size, so I had to jump on it before it was too late. Today I dropped it off at the tailor to get the sleaves shortened and in one week I can pick it up.
The pictures from the Tall Ships Festival in Tacoma turned out well. I'll post a couple to the journal.
There has been a little drama about the neighbors' cat. She has been ill and then disappeared for a couple of weeks. She returned yesterday and Mom and the neighbors together took her to the vet. They were expecting to have to put her to sleep. She is down to 4 pounds and looks like a skeleton with ratty tufts of fur. It's hard to see her like that. Incredibly, the vet didn't find any critical medical issues other than a horrible flea infestation and probable worms. He advised treating those and was hopeful that she would recover well. She was purring and took food and water while she was there. She didn't act like she was ready to go. From now on She will spend most days at our house and evenings/nights next door. She will be carried over and custody transered by hand. We have had an unusual kind of cat sharing arrangement with our neighbors for several years. Don't ask me to explain the whole story, please. Mom will have to do that in her own journal.
Yesterday evening I happened upon American Splendor on cable TV. What a great, surprising find. It is refreshing, unique, sarcastic, gritty, and even warm hearted at times while not being sentimental in the slightest. Paul Giamatti gives a wonderful performance as Harvey. Between this movie, Sideways, and Cinderella Man, I feel he has earned himself a reputation as a virtuoso comic and character actor. It's the story of Harvey Pekar, an underground comic book writer (he doesn't do the illustrations although he does sketch the page layouts with stick figures). He basically started making an autobiography in comic book form and it is titled American Splendor. He became very well known among comic book fans and even made regular appearances on David Letterman for a while in the 80's. Note to self: remember to ask my brother-in-law if he has ever read any of the comics. They would perfectly suit his taste and off-beat sense of humor.
I had a really great chat with my sister on IM today. It is so great to be able to do that. We shared photos back and forth and talked about silly things and about preparations for their relocation back to Washington. After the chat I read her journal, which I do more since she has been writing a lot lately. She wrote a really expressive, touching entry a couple of days ago about how she is overwhelmed by her husband's imminent departure to get things started here in Washington. I had to write her an e-mail in response. I know she is stronger than she thinks she is. I can't express how I appreciate the ability of the Internet to help us keep in touch with so many people no matter where they are. Of course there are cell phones and lots of plans that have no long distance charges, at least within North America. Still, I'mthrilled with the power of Internet communication tools.
One of the things my sister and I love to talk about is one of our favorite shows, What Not To Wear. They had a special three episode installment last night called What Went Wrong with outtakes and the moment where the first and only person ever refused their offer. In the end, it was all very anticlimactic and I'm glad that I was multitasking by doing stuff on the computer while it was on.
Now let me tell you about some accidental shopping yesterday. I took my photos to get developed and wandered around the mall. I went into my Lane Bryant store and they had a blazer that fit me nicely, except for the sleaves of course. I always have to have sleaves shortened. Thank God that they sell petite length pants and jeans or I'd have to have the legs shortened on each pair. I don't have any blazers and I've been wanting to find one for about a year. They didn't have many and only two in my size, so I had to jump on it before it was too late. Today I dropped it off at the tailor to get the sleaves shortened and in one week I can pick it up.
The pictures from the Tall Ships Festival in Tacoma turned out well. I'll post a couple to the journal.
There has been a little drama about the neighbors' cat. She has been ill and then disappeared for a couple of weeks. She returned yesterday and Mom and the neighbors together took her to the vet. They were expecting to have to put her to sleep. She is down to 4 pounds and looks like a skeleton with ratty tufts of fur. It's hard to see her like that. Incredibly, the vet didn't find any critical medical issues other than a horrible flea infestation and probable worms. He advised treating those and was hopeful that she would recover well. She was purring and took food and water while she was there. She didn't act like she was ready to go. From now on She will spend most days at our house and evenings/nights next door. She will be carried over and custody transered by hand. We have had an unusual kind of cat sharing arrangement with our neighbors for several years. Don't ask me to explain the whole story, please. Mom will have to do that in her own journal.
Yesterday evening I happened upon American Splendor on cable TV. What a great, surprising find. It is refreshing, unique, sarcastic, gritty, and even warm hearted at times while not being sentimental in the slightest. Paul Giamatti gives a wonderful performance as Harvey. Between this movie, Sideways, and Cinderella Man, I feel he has earned himself a reputation as a virtuoso comic and character actor. It's the story of Harvey Pekar, an underground comic book writer (he doesn't do the illustrations although he does sketch the page layouts with stick figures). He basically started making an autobiography in comic book form and it is titled American Splendor. He became very well known among comic book fans and even made regular appearances on David Letterman for a while in the 80's. Note to self: remember to ask my brother-in-law if he has ever read any of the comics. They would perfectly suit his taste and off-beat sense of humor.
June 29, 2005
Coming out of Hiding
I have been kind of hiding a bit since the end of class. I haven't known what to do with myself or what is next. I went into denial mode for a while. A couple of good things have happened in this time, though. I have started exercising with my mom. We both really need it. We do a Leslie Sansone one mile aerobic walking video. It has been about a week and a half since we started. We do it about every-other day. Last weekend I went on a weekend retreat called Walk to Emmaus. It was fantastic and I am really excited about getting started on things again. I needed to recharge my spiritual life and get a new perspective. I learned a lot and was really blessed. I recommend it highly. Weekends are offered all around the United States and even in other countries. It is similar to Cursillo, or Tres Dias.
In about 17-18 days my brother-in-law will arrive. He is coming ahead to look for a job before my sister comes. She'll continue her job in Oklahoma until He gets a job here. Then she'll sell their condo and come on over. I am excited and wondering how the transition will be for him and for my sister. I know it will be tough for her to stay in Oklahoma by herself.
I am going to go to Work Source Washington tomorrow and start gathering information about new jobs and what resources are available to help find work and get career guidance.
In about 17-18 days my brother-in-law will arrive. He is coming ahead to look for a job before my sister comes. She'll continue her job in Oklahoma until He gets a job here. Then she'll sell their condo and come on over. I am excited and wondering how the transition will be for him and for my sister. I know it will be tough for her to stay in Oklahoma by herself.
I am going to go to Work Source Washington tomorrow and start gathering information about new jobs and what resources are available to help find work and get career guidance.
June 08, 2005
Party Prep
Party! Today is the day. I've been preparing for the party most of the day. I'm excited. I made a special chocolate cake, called "Turtle Cake". It's from the Cake Doctor cookbook. I am not a baker, but this is not too difficult for me. Like the candy, it turns out really gooey with caramel, pecans and lots of chocolate. There is melted semi-sweet chocolate on the top! Other students are bringing tamales, chicken mole, and flan. My mouth is watering in anticipation. I hope that the couple with the new baby come with the whole family. I bought film for my camera and will take pictures to document the evening. I chose two songs that I've been practicing for the sing-a-long. They are Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, by The Beatles, and Country Roads, by John Denver. It's always a bit of a challenge to chose the right song because it has to be singable, have lyrics that aren't too difficult, and be playable on the guitar. I think these are fun songs and the students will be able to sing them pretty easily. I also have lots of great feelings about Country Roads because we used to listen to John Denver in the car on every road trip and vacation. We were usually camping. When I sing Country Roads I feel like I'm back driving over a mountain pass with my family. As much fun as we had, it was always so good to come home. We were all tired and missing the comforts of home after 10-12 days driving and camping.
June 04, 2005
Reunion
I had a great visit with another old friend today. We met at Western Washington University and were roommates for a year. She still lives in Bellingham. I haven't seen her face to face in about 6 or 7 years. She brought me a late Christmas gift. We were going to see each other over the holidays, but that didn't work out. It was either illness or car trouble, I don't remember which. I had a small gift for her, too. We went out to lunch at a thai restaurant and then walked around the mall. We did a little shopping, too. Surprise, surprise. I needed some shower gel, so I bought a couple different fragrances and a matching salt scrub for one of them. I also had Real Woman dollar coupons to use at Lane Bryant and they are having their semi-anual sale on bras and panties. I stocked up. One of the bras is really pretty, kind of a periwinkle blue with some lace trim. Of course I bought some panties in a matching color as well as some white. Always useful, white. Don't know why you need to know the details of my little spree, except that since I'm soon to be unemployed I won't be going on a spree for a while. Could be a good while. Just thought I'd share the happiness and make the most of the moment. It's all useful basic stuff, too. I'm well stocked now and I even threw out any tired and worn stuff out of the drawer. It was fun shopping together. Over lunch and later a frozen fruit and tea drink in the food court, we talked about the old days and caught up on what's going on now. She works as a nursing assistant in a hospital and really enjoys it, although it is a challenging and stressful job. For her it is a ministry of mercy and help. We had good times in college, laughed a lot. Our favorite things to do were to get some munchies, stay up late and talk. There were dramatic times, too. It was college, of course. We had crushes and talked about guys a lot. I use guys because at that age they aren't boys but aren't really men either. We were also trying to figure out real life and grow up. I believed that one day I would have all the answers and everything would come together. I would have a map for the rest of my life and everything I needed to walk smoothly along that clear path. I realized around 29-30 years old that no one ever arrives at that point. There are always going to be surprises, crises, new challenges. That is what makes life exciting, sometimes scary, definitely not boring.
June 01, 2005
May 29, 2005
Memorial Day Weekend
It has been a great Memorial Day weekend. My friend came Friday morning and we had a relaxed day catching up. I took her to a taqueria that has fresh, authentic Mexican food. We both love Mexican food. We also watched As Time Goes By on DVD. It's a great British sitcom that my Mom loves. I bought her seasons 1 and 2 on DVD for Christmas last year. My friend has been having health problems and she really loves things that can make her laugh. I wanted to introduce her to this series and give her a little more laughter. She loved it. Over the course of the weekend we watched 7 episodes. Yesterday we drove to the base of Mount Ranier and enjoyed the perfect, sunny day. We ate a picnic lunch at Longmire with a gorgeous view of the mountain- chicken salad, a croisant, and an apple. I brought my guitar, so we found a place to sit and sing. I brought my camera and took some photos of the mountain and a meadow that we walked around. The trail is called "Trail of Shadows". On the way home, we stopped and I got some pictures of some metal sculptures at a place called "Spirits of Iron". There was also, further down the way, a rusted metal thing that looked kind of like a silo but I don't know exactly what it was. It was really interesting so I took a picture of that, too. I'll put any really good pictures up on the site after I get them developed. I haven't switched to digital photography yet. I still use a 35 milimeter camera and have to develop the rolls as I finish them. This roll has 3 pictures left. Maybe I'll take a few pictures of the neighbors' cat. Her name is Scruffy and she comes to visit regularly.
Today my friend went home. After she left, my parents and I went to see my Grandfather and put flowers on some family graves. It has been a full day. Grandpa was not feeling well a couple of weeks ago and got dehydrated. He actually went to the emergency room. He's much better now. His appetite is back.
Today my friend went home. After she left, my parents and I went to see my Grandfather and put flowers on some family graves. It has been a full day. Grandpa was not feeling well a couple of weeks ago and got dehydrated. He actually went to the emergency room. He's much better now. His appetite is back.
May 26, 2005
Preparing for Memorial Day Weekend
Tomorrow morning a friend of mine is coming over for the weekend. We were both teaching in Korea and now she lives in Washington State. I won't be writing for a few days, but I'm sure I'll have a fun story or two to tell. Today there was no class because the elementary school that hosts us is having teacher in-service days today and tomorrow. There were 4 students again last night. We planned a party for the last day of class which will be June 8. I am practicing my guitar. I restrung it on Tuesday. We'll sing a couple of songs at the party. There will also be delicious tamales and posole made by my students. Yum! I can't wait.
Today I've been cleaning and clearing out clutter to get ready for my friends visit. It feels great to get things cleared out.
I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to go to the theatre to see Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith or just wait till it's on video or cable TV. I was so dissapointed in the first to prequels. But the chance to see the actual transition from Anakin to Darth Vader and complete the whole series is tempting. I have read pretty good reviews of it. Hmmm. . .
Today I've been cleaning and clearing out clutter to get ready for my friends visit. It feels great to get things cleared out.
I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to go to the theatre to see Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith or just wait till it's on video or cable TV. I was so dissapointed in the first to prequels. But the chance to see the actual transition from Anakin to Darth Vader and complete the whole series is tempting. I have read pretty good reviews of it. Hmmm. . .
May 25, 2005
Starting Over
Well, it looks like I did abandon my online journal. I didn’t intend to and now I’m back. I have been working one part-time job. It looks like that will be finished in two weeks. There has not been good attendance at the class (usually 2-3 students) and the administration decided not to continue the class during the summer. That means that whatever momentum and involvement there is now will be lost. Starting in the fall will be like beginning from scratch. I don’t think they have the commitment to this program to do that (marketing, recruiting, promoting). The supervision switched from the main campus of the college to a closer but smaller satellite campus. They have been a little overwhelmed trying to deal with this class (testing, support for registration and whatnot). I like my supervisor a lot but she really seems overworked and overwhelmed. She has told me to look for another job and most likely there will not be a Fall session at the elementary school site. I’m sad but also a little relieved. The dwindling class has been a bit discouraging and it has been hard for me to keep motivated. Last night was great, though. There were 4 students. That was a record attendance in the last three weeks. Pretty sad, huh. I have been seriously thinking about leaving teaching and starting something else. Library is one idea that I have thought about and even discussed in this journal. I also would really like to talk to a professional career counselor, someone who has reliable information resources and knowledge about what kind of possibilities are out there. I really just want a full time job that is reliable and provides medical benefits. I know that job security is an illusion these days. I’m not looking for 25 years and a gold watch guarantee. But there must be something more secure than adult education where everything is dependant on a grant and up and down student enrollment. Something that at least is going to be secure for a couple of years. Perhaps that’s too much to ask, but I don’t think so. At least this class is going to finish well. I’ve already talked to them about organizing a party for the last day of class. Everyone can bring some food and we’ll enjoy a good celebration. They were excited about it. I would like to invite some of the students who are not attending anymore but who came for a long time. I think it would be great if a few of them would come.
I have been thinking a lot about this but haven’t done anything about it. I really should call the college HR department and see what kind of counseling I can get while I’m still an employee. I should also look into what jobs may be available in the college’s library. I haven’t acted on that yet, though. My supervisor did give me a couple of names of library staff to talk to. Yes, I am really good at avoidance when I’m starting something new and embarking on an activity that I dislike. I really do hate looking for a job. I need to change that attitude though. It is exciting, an adventure. New ideas and new opportunities await.
So, what have I been doing with myself? Watching too much TV, occasionally feeling sorry for myself, enjoying my computer, reading. I discovered a new TV show that I like. It’s called Starting Over. There is a group of women living in a house and each one of them has something to overcome. One woman is trying to repair broken relationships in her life, another is seeking to find her own identity apart from her famous sister (Tony Braxton). Each woman has a goal or a challenge to face and they live together as they work with life coaches and a consulting psychiatrist. Together they learn to heal and face their fears as they transform their lives.
I purchased a laptop about a little over a month ago. I haven’t had my very own computer since I left Massachusetts and abandoned the PC that I purchased when I went back to school for my Masters degree. I used it for 5 years and I discovered the Internet on that computer. My new computer is a notebook and I love it. I’ve never used a notebook computer before. I like the portable size and flexibility of it. I don’t have one of the small 12-13 inch ones. Those are just too cramped and uncomfortable. Not to mention that the screen is so small and annoying to read. I think the tiny ones are great for traveling and when you really take it everywhere. This is a widescreen (15.4 inch) and the keyboard is comfortable for everyday use. I can also watch DVD’s on it, which is great. I can now watch any of my DVD’s upstairs in my bedroom no matter who is watching the big TV downstairs that the DVD player is attached to. I started a journal on my new computer and perhaps I will post some of those entries. I must honestly admit that I am a little hesitant to do that because they are a little raw and revealing. Some of them I wrote as prayers and I doubt that I’ll put them up on the Internet. Yes, I do have my limits and boundaries.
Fun highlights:
I went to the Seattle Opera with my Mom on Mother’s Day and saw Tales of Hoffman. What a fabulous treat that was. It was a marvelous production and wonderfully entertaining, especially the hilarious first act. I wonder if it is always so funny. They really played it for all the laughs. The three acts tell about the three doomed loves of Hoffman’s life. The first act tells how he fell in love with a robot. He was wearing special rose colored glasses at the time so he believed she was a living woman. (Don’t ask, it’s opera and it never makes sense.)
Last Saturday I went to Seattle and met an old college friend at the street fair in the U District. I hadn’t seen her since November. There were lots of arts and crafts, musicians, and yummy food booths. We listened to a fun blue grass/country/rock style band. I had a blackened salmon sandwich which was delicious. We had dinner later at a Greek restaurant called Costas. I bought a beautiful bracelet of carnelian, agate, and yellow jade with matching earrings.
I have been thinking a lot about this but haven’t done anything about it. I really should call the college HR department and see what kind of counseling I can get while I’m still an employee. I should also look into what jobs may be available in the college’s library. I haven’t acted on that yet, though. My supervisor did give me a couple of names of library staff to talk to. Yes, I am really good at avoidance when I’m starting something new and embarking on an activity that I dislike. I really do hate looking for a job. I need to change that attitude though. It is exciting, an adventure. New ideas and new opportunities await.
So, what have I been doing with myself? Watching too much TV, occasionally feeling sorry for myself, enjoying my computer, reading. I discovered a new TV show that I like. It’s called Starting Over. There is a group of women living in a house and each one of them has something to overcome. One woman is trying to repair broken relationships in her life, another is seeking to find her own identity apart from her famous sister (Tony Braxton). Each woman has a goal or a challenge to face and they live together as they work with life coaches and a consulting psychiatrist. Together they learn to heal and face their fears as they transform their lives.
I purchased a laptop about a little over a month ago. I haven’t had my very own computer since I left Massachusetts and abandoned the PC that I purchased when I went back to school for my Masters degree. I used it for 5 years and I discovered the Internet on that computer. My new computer is a notebook and I love it. I’ve never used a notebook computer before. I like the portable size and flexibility of it. I don’t have one of the small 12-13 inch ones. Those are just too cramped and uncomfortable. Not to mention that the screen is so small and annoying to read. I think the tiny ones are great for traveling and when you really take it everywhere. This is a widescreen (15.4 inch) and the keyboard is comfortable for everyday use. I can also watch DVD’s on it, which is great. I can now watch any of my DVD’s upstairs in my bedroom no matter who is watching the big TV downstairs that the DVD player is attached to. I started a journal on my new computer and perhaps I will post some of those entries. I must honestly admit that I am a little hesitant to do that because they are a little raw and revealing. Some of them I wrote as prayers and I doubt that I’ll put them up on the Internet. Yes, I do have my limits and boundaries.
Fun highlights:
I went to the Seattle Opera with my Mom on Mother’s Day and saw Tales of Hoffman. What a fabulous treat that was. It was a marvelous production and wonderfully entertaining, especially the hilarious first act. I wonder if it is always so funny. They really played it for all the laughs. The three acts tell about the three doomed loves of Hoffman’s life. The first act tells how he fell in love with a robot. He was wearing special rose colored glasses at the time so he believed she was a living woman. (Don’t ask, it’s opera and it never makes sense.)
Last Saturday I went to Seattle and met an old college friend at the street fair in the U District. I hadn’t seen her since November. There were lots of arts and crafts, musicians, and yummy food booths. We listened to a fun blue grass/country/rock style band. I had a blackened salmon sandwich which was delicious. We had dinner later at a Greek restaurant called Costas. I bought a beautiful bracelet of carnelian, agate, and yellow jade with matching earrings.
May 18, 2005
Discovering the Power of Joy (a laptop backlog entry)
How has my understanding of God’s will and purpose for my life changed as a result of studying the book of Acts this year in BSF? I know the first answer to the question “Why am I here?” is simply this. To be a witness to the gospel of Christ and what I have seen God do. Similar to Paul’s commission. It’s also the commission that Jesus himself gave to all the disciples before he ascended into heaven. “You will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, Samaria and the whole world.” “Go, and make disciples”. There are a lot of details to be worked out. But that is the ultimate goal; that is the eternal fruit.
God’s specific plans for me and his priorities are different from mine. That has caused some discomfort and some resistance from me. To be honest, it still does. I want to be happy, comfortable, and enjoy life while I’m here on earth. I want low stress, my needs and wants abundantly met. In this culture, I have learned that it’s not enough just to have my needs met, but they should be met instantly. I don’t want to wait for things. I want to have control over my time, my environment, my job, my food cravings catered to, to be able to shop when I want to shop, and to have the things that I think I should have. I want to enjoy time with friends. I don’t like change too much, so I would like it on my terms and to keep the things that I want to keep. I want to experience the happiness, comfort and affection of loving a special man and having a good marriage. I want to feel accepted, loved and that I have a secure place and know where I belong in this world. I want to feel worthy of the respect of others. Some of these things are not bad things. Some of these things are pure selfishness. Some of these things are going along with the expectations and definitions of the world.
God has good plans, but they don’t place a priority on my happiness and enjoyment of the details and circumstances of my life. Not that he wants me to be miserable and that pleasure and enjoyment are automatically wrong or contrary to God’s plan. God has something deeper and more real, though. Joy. Joy does not depend on any outside circumstances, experiences, or even emotions (which are fleeting and are mere responses). Joy is rooted in deep knowledge and confidence in real truth. Joy gives strength, hope, and peace in all circumstances. Joy grasps God’s unfailing love and rock solid character to provide a foundation. Joy allows believers to obey willingly and endure life’s trials and suffering. Not just endure, but overcome and grow through the suffering- giving glory to God and witnessing to the world the power and truth of the gospel.
God’s specific plans for me and his priorities are different from mine. That has caused some discomfort and some resistance from me. To be honest, it still does. I want to be happy, comfortable, and enjoy life while I’m here on earth. I want low stress, my needs and wants abundantly met. In this culture, I have learned that it’s not enough just to have my needs met, but they should be met instantly. I don’t want to wait for things. I want to have control over my time, my environment, my job, my food cravings catered to, to be able to shop when I want to shop, and to have the things that I think I should have. I want to enjoy time with friends. I don’t like change too much, so I would like it on my terms and to keep the things that I want to keep. I want to experience the happiness, comfort and affection of loving a special man and having a good marriage. I want to feel accepted, loved and that I have a secure place and know where I belong in this world. I want to feel worthy of the respect of others. Some of these things are not bad things. Some of these things are pure selfishness. Some of these things are going along with the expectations and definitions of the world.
God has good plans, but they don’t place a priority on my happiness and enjoyment of the details and circumstances of my life. Not that he wants me to be miserable and that pleasure and enjoyment are automatically wrong or contrary to God’s plan. God has something deeper and more real, though. Joy. Joy does not depend on any outside circumstances, experiences, or even emotions (which are fleeting and are mere responses). Joy is rooted in deep knowledge and confidence in real truth. Joy gives strength, hope, and peace in all circumstances. Joy grasps God’s unfailing love and rock solid character to provide a foundation. Joy allows believers to obey willingly and endure life’s trials and suffering. Not just endure, but overcome and grow through the suffering- giving glory to God and witnessing to the world the power and truth of the gospel.
May 12, 2005
What's with relationships? (a laptop backlog entry)
I feel lost and adrift, questioning everything about my life. What I have I done with my life? What do I want to do? Everything is unsettled and up in the air. That is nothing new, but today it is bothering me. Qustions are nagging. Especially one question. Do I want to be in a relationship and eventually get married or not? What is it? There are so few single Christian men my age. There is one single man at the church I attend and he is quite standoffish. I tried at the Christian Singles group at MSN. Nothing there, either. I haven’t tried too hard, there, though. It’s not primarily a dating site, anyway. It’s for fellowship. The situation seems so completely hopeless. Besides, how can I meet someone new and tell him about my life when I have no idea what’s what in my life? Truth is that I’m soon to be unemployed, have no decent job prospects and no career momentum. I want to start something new but have no idea what direction to go or how to go about it. Not to mention that I live with my parents and don’t know when I’ll have the financial resources to move out and reliably support myself. Yeah, that sounds like a great introduction. He’ll judge me as some flaky, lazy idiot who hasn’t done anything with her life and is unlikely to have anything to bring to any happy life together. Truth is that right at this moment that is how I feel about myself. I am already judging myself. I don’t believe that I deserve a wonderful man. I have nothing to offer. I think that’s the biggest reason that I can’t bring myself to subscribe to eHarmony again, not because I truly don’t desire to be married. But why? Why do I want to be married? Why do I think that it would improve my life? I don’t believe the purpose of marriage is to make yourself happy. Marriage requires commitment, work, compromise, putting the other first, responsibility. It means a lot of changes and talking about issues like children or no children and things that I just don’t even have to worry about now. It is a transforming relationship. Iron sharpening iron and all that. Of course there is joy, affection, intimacy, mutual support and other good things that go along with it. But marriage is not a panacea to take away all insecurity, questions, loneliness, etc. So why do I still think that it is important to me? Maybe because right now it would be lovely to have someone come along and tell me that he likes me, cares about me, and thinks I am worth spending time with. Someone to make me feel like I am a special person when I feel like such a loser. But that is looking for validation and worth in the wrong place. God tells me that I am special. Just like the quote and the verses from yesterday, He created me and knew me from always. He loves me so much that he gave his life for me. That is what makes me special; no human love or human praise can compare with that. Validation is not a reason to want a relationship. So, just hold on to God and quit whining. If he has a relationship, he’ll make it happen. I go back and forth. I hardly dare to dream that someone could come into my life because it seems like setting myself up for disappointment. I am sometimes content and don’t think about it at all. Still, all around me are reminders that most other people date and eventually find a husband or a wife to share their lives. Not to mention the obsession with sex in our culture. It makes me feel like a freak sometimes. I would like to express those desires and that aspect of myself with someone that I love and trust. On the other hand I know that there is a lot more to life than just that. My identity as a feminine woman does not depend on that.
May 11, 2005
Comfort (a laptop backlog entry)
Quote from TV series Jeremiah spoken by Mr. Smith, a prophet character, to another character as a message to her from God.
I saw your face before you were born,
I knew your name before it was spoken,
I heard your voice before you cried at birth.
I bring only beautiful things into this world;
And you will, too, in your time.
This echoes several passages in scripture. It almost paraphrases the beginning of Psalm 139.
Other verses that echo aspects of this message:
Isaiah 62:3-4
John 15:5, 7-8
Jeremiah 1:5
I loved this so much when I heard it sometime last year as I watched the apocalyptic sci-fi series Jeremiah. I rewound the scene so I could write down the words. It comforted me deeply when I had been unemployed for months. I knew that there was biblical truth in it. I put the scrap of paper with this quote and the scripture references in my wallet so I could look at it and read it anytime. Now I am struggling again with my purpose and worth. I am wondering what my career path should be. This is again a comfort to me. God’s truth is always helpful. God, help me to grow in you and bear fruit for your kingdom. I’m still rough and unfinished, but you see the completed masterwork of your finished design in me. Help me to daily submit to your molding and not fight you. I want to be what you meant me to be, whatever that is. Help me to see your vision and trust you completely to provide and equip me for every task that you ask me to do. Fill me with joy and passion for your will, your work, and your Kingdom.
I saw your face before you were born,
I knew your name before it was spoken,
I heard your voice before you cried at birth.
I bring only beautiful things into this world;
And you will, too, in your time.
This echoes several passages in scripture. It almost paraphrases the beginning of Psalm 139.
Other verses that echo aspects of this message:
Isaiah 62:3-4
John 15:5, 7-8
Jeremiah 1:5
I loved this so much when I heard it sometime last year as I watched the apocalyptic sci-fi series Jeremiah. I rewound the scene so I could write down the words. It comforted me deeply when I had been unemployed for months. I knew that there was biblical truth in it. I put the scrap of paper with this quote and the scripture references in my wallet so I could look at it and read it anytime. Now I am struggling again with my purpose and worth. I am wondering what my career path should be. This is again a comfort to me. God’s truth is always helpful. God, help me to grow in you and bear fruit for your kingdom. I’m still rough and unfinished, but you see the completed masterwork of your finished design in me. Help me to daily submit to your molding and not fight you. I want to be what you meant me to be, whatever that is. Help me to see your vision and trust you completely to provide and equip me for every task that you ask me to do. Fill me with joy and passion for your will, your work, and your Kingdom.
April 29, 2005
Rambling Reflections (a laptop backlog entry)
Today is the day I’m leaving for the Kingdom Weekend retreat. I hope that it is really good. I’m sure it will be. I just took a shower. I’m mostly packed. I bought a really good movie today with a coupon and double points on my movie club membership. Starting Over is going to be on TV any minute. I like that show. I think of my parents’ house as a starting over house for me; it is just taking a long time for me to graduate. The show today was dealing a lot with hidden anger and a woman who is denying and obstructing any discussion or work on her anger. It was interesting. It made me wonder if I have a well of hidden anger. I think I do let some anger build up, but then at some point I usually vent it and own up to what has made me angry. I usually cry and write and pray it out. Sometimes I’ve been angry at myself, sometimes at God, at situations.
Anger List: The biggest things I’ve been angry about at one time or another in the past two years
Not finding a job
Not finding a husband
Myself being lazy or procrastinating
Being pressured into commitments that I don’t want to make
Having nothing to show for what I’ve been doing with my life, feeling that I’ve wasted my life.
That I sometimes fail to keep in communication with friends that I care about, not replying to e-mail or sending them a letter or calling when I say that I will.
Having to wait and wait without knowing when or how God is going to provide for something that I need or that I think that I need.
Being ignored by all those men at eHarmony
Well, that is a starter list. There may be some things just simmering under the surface. Last year about this time I went to the Kingdom Weekend and didn’t realize how angry I was at God for not meeting the expectations that I had. I felt that I had been working hard at doing the right thing and building a new life here and it wasn’t going very well. I was working at a job that I didn’t like and was just a temporary thing. I had been working hard at eHarmony and found only rejection. I had really imagined getting a career started and a wonderful, loving relationship that would turn into a lasting marriage. I had dreamed that a whole new and exciting life would start. I was really angry because things in my new life were not shaping into what I hoped for and it was deeply disappointing. I felt that God owed me the fulfillment of some of those dreams because I was trying my best to do what I thought was right. Not that I was living perfectly and I still am not living perfectly. But I was trying my best.
Where have I come since last year? Have I made any progress in my walk with God or in my new life in Washington State? I’m in a job that is very precarious and may possibly end permanently in about a month. But it is a teaching job at a community college, which is exactly what I was dreaming about. I had another teaching job for several months and that one ended due to a lack of students and due to, partly, my lack of ability to handle the incredibly diverse needs and desires of the students. I tried my best and I prayed really hard for wisdom and creativity and insight. It just didn’t work out that well and I wasn’t really sad when it was over because I was also really stressed out by the way things were run there and it was not a great working environment for me. There were communication problems which led to not having important information about the schedule or other things I needed to be able to do my job well and give the students the right information about programs and events.
I quit eHarmony and have had some temptation to start again, but haven’t renewed my membership. I won’t say that I never will. I still have a profile there and I haven’t closed it out. But I am less and less tempted to open the membership because I feel that everything in my life is still too unsettled. I think if I had a more secure job that paid me fairly well and I was moved in to an apartment, then I would be much more tempted to open the membership up. I am embarrassed by my present circumstances still and don’t want to have to tell a man who may start communicating with me that I live with my parents and don’t have a car or a dependable job. I don’t believe that he would accept me. I’m not sure that I accept my circumstances fully. Sometimes I feel like such a loser and a failure because I can’t support myself. Then I tell myself that God doesn’t judge me by my paycheck or by what I do or own. He still loves me. That is true. He does love me unconditionally and my worth and my salvation are not based on my acts or on worldly success.
God defines success very differently. But I still can’t help being angry with myself and I get depressed because I feel like a failure, not knowing know how to build this new life. I am angry because I had the dream jobs that I wanted and they weren’t the answer. I am seriously thinking of not teaching anymore and finding another career path. I don’t even know what career path I should follow. I have not been able to manage my professional life well. But I do praise God that with the money that I made in Korea and the money that I have made in the piece meal jobs I have been working at here and there that I am almost out of debt. I don’t have any credit card debt at all. I am still paying my student loan and I have not missed a payment once in almost two years since I’ve been here. That is such a huge load off. That debt was killing and choking me in Massachusetts and it seemed I would never be out from under it.
Thank you, God. Praise you for always provided what I really need. You have proven yourself totally faithful. Yet still I seek to build a little scaffold of worldly security that I can lean on so that I don’t have to get in a tight spot and wonder how you are going to get me out of it. You always do, but I get so frustrated in the middle of it. Sometimes I do trust and I know your peace in the middle. But often I run around in my own strength exhausting myself because I’m panicked in the darkness and don’t trust that the light is going to come before it’s too late. I get embarrassed when I have to tell strangers about my life because I feel that they judge me the way that the worldly part of my mind judges me- as a failure and a slacker. Progress that I’ve made is that I don’t expect God to just grant my wishes because I try to please him. I have had part of my dream come true. I saw that it wasn’t the answer that I expected.
Now I’m ready to quit teaching. What next? What dream? I don’t know. Dreams lead to disappointment anyway. There is only security and happiness in eternity. No dream can satisfy now in this life. Then what is the point of dreaming and making goals? Well, they can be helpful to motivate you and get you going in the right direction. God has plans for me. Those plans are for good- to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. Ultimately that is in eternity. But I do believe that he has positive things for me in this life, too. His plans will help me to have the most fulfilling and satisfying life possible for me in this world. It may not be materially rich and satisfying that way. But there are many kinds of “riches”. I ask God to help me see his vision and to help me be passionate about the things that He wants me to do. I have no idea what the results will be. It is a little scary that way because I like to feel a little bit more in control.
Anger List: The biggest things I’ve been angry about at one time or another in the past two years
Not finding a job
Not finding a husband
Myself being lazy or procrastinating
Being pressured into commitments that I don’t want to make
Having nothing to show for what I’ve been doing with my life, feeling that I’ve wasted my life.
That I sometimes fail to keep in communication with friends that I care about, not replying to e-mail or sending them a letter or calling when I say that I will.
Having to wait and wait without knowing when or how God is going to provide for something that I need or that I think that I need.
Being ignored by all those men at eHarmony
Well, that is a starter list. There may be some things just simmering under the surface. Last year about this time I went to the Kingdom Weekend and didn’t realize how angry I was at God for not meeting the expectations that I had. I felt that I had been working hard at doing the right thing and building a new life here and it wasn’t going very well. I was working at a job that I didn’t like and was just a temporary thing. I had been working hard at eHarmony and found only rejection. I had really imagined getting a career started and a wonderful, loving relationship that would turn into a lasting marriage. I had dreamed that a whole new and exciting life would start. I was really angry because things in my new life were not shaping into what I hoped for and it was deeply disappointing. I felt that God owed me the fulfillment of some of those dreams because I was trying my best to do what I thought was right. Not that I was living perfectly and I still am not living perfectly. But I was trying my best.
Where have I come since last year? Have I made any progress in my walk with God or in my new life in Washington State? I’m in a job that is very precarious and may possibly end permanently in about a month. But it is a teaching job at a community college, which is exactly what I was dreaming about. I had another teaching job for several months and that one ended due to a lack of students and due to, partly, my lack of ability to handle the incredibly diverse needs and desires of the students. I tried my best and I prayed really hard for wisdom and creativity and insight. It just didn’t work out that well and I wasn’t really sad when it was over because I was also really stressed out by the way things were run there and it was not a great working environment for me. There were communication problems which led to not having important information about the schedule or other things I needed to be able to do my job well and give the students the right information about programs and events.
I quit eHarmony and have had some temptation to start again, but haven’t renewed my membership. I won’t say that I never will. I still have a profile there and I haven’t closed it out. But I am less and less tempted to open the membership because I feel that everything in my life is still too unsettled. I think if I had a more secure job that paid me fairly well and I was moved in to an apartment, then I would be much more tempted to open the membership up. I am embarrassed by my present circumstances still and don’t want to have to tell a man who may start communicating with me that I live with my parents and don’t have a car or a dependable job. I don’t believe that he would accept me. I’m not sure that I accept my circumstances fully. Sometimes I feel like such a loser and a failure because I can’t support myself. Then I tell myself that God doesn’t judge me by my paycheck or by what I do or own. He still loves me. That is true. He does love me unconditionally and my worth and my salvation are not based on my acts or on worldly success.
God defines success very differently. But I still can’t help being angry with myself and I get depressed because I feel like a failure, not knowing know how to build this new life. I am angry because I had the dream jobs that I wanted and they weren’t the answer. I am seriously thinking of not teaching anymore and finding another career path. I don’t even know what career path I should follow. I have not been able to manage my professional life well. But I do praise God that with the money that I made in Korea and the money that I have made in the piece meal jobs I have been working at here and there that I am almost out of debt. I don’t have any credit card debt at all. I am still paying my student loan and I have not missed a payment once in almost two years since I’ve been here. That is such a huge load off. That debt was killing and choking me in Massachusetts and it seemed I would never be out from under it.
Thank you, God. Praise you for always provided what I really need. You have proven yourself totally faithful. Yet still I seek to build a little scaffold of worldly security that I can lean on so that I don’t have to get in a tight spot and wonder how you are going to get me out of it. You always do, but I get so frustrated in the middle of it. Sometimes I do trust and I know your peace in the middle. But often I run around in my own strength exhausting myself because I’m panicked in the darkness and don’t trust that the light is going to come before it’s too late. I get embarrassed when I have to tell strangers about my life because I feel that they judge me the way that the worldly part of my mind judges me- as a failure and a slacker. Progress that I’ve made is that I don’t expect God to just grant my wishes because I try to please him. I have had part of my dream come true. I saw that it wasn’t the answer that I expected.
Now I’m ready to quit teaching. What next? What dream? I don’t know. Dreams lead to disappointment anyway. There is only security and happiness in eternity. No dream can satisfy now in this life. Then what is the point of dreaming and making goals? Well, they can be helpful to motivate you and get you going in the right direction. God has plans for me. Those plans are for good- to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. Ultimately that is in eternity. But I do believe that he has positive things for me in this life, too. His plans will help me to have the most fulfilling and satisfying life possible for me in this world. It may not be materially rich and satisfying that way. But there are many kinds of “riches”. I ask God to help me see his vision and to help me be passionate about the things that He wants me to do. I have no idea what the results will be. It is a little scary that way because I like to feel a little bit more in control.
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