Silo thing?
June 01, 2005
May 29, 2005
Memorial Day Weekend
It has been a great Memorial Day weekend. My friend came Friday morning and we had a relaxed day catching up. I took her to a taqueria that has fresh, authentic Mexican food. We both love Mexican food. We also watched As Time Goes By on DVD. It's a great British sitcom that my Mom loves. I bought her seasons 1 and 2 on DVD for Christmas last year. My friend has been having health problems and she really loves things that can make her laugh. I wanted to introduce her to this series and give her a little more laughter. She loved it. Over the course of the weekend we watched 7 episodes. Yesterday we drove to the base of Mount Ranier and enjoyed the perfect, sunny day. We ate a picnic lunch at Longmire with a gorgeous view of the mountain- chicken salad, a croisant, and an apple. I brought my guitar, so we found a place to sit and sing. I brought my camera and took some photos of the mountain and a meadow that we walked around. The trail is called "Trail of Shadows". On the way home, we stopped and I got some pictures of some metal sculptures at a place called "Spirits of Iron". There was also, further down the way, a rusted metal thing that looked kind of like a silo but I don't know exactly what it was. It was really interesting so I took a picture of that, too. I'll put any really good pictures up on the site after I get them developed. I haven't switched to digital photography yet. I still use a 35 milimeter camera and have to develop the rolls as I finish them. This roll has 3 pictures left. Maybe I'll take a few pictures of the neighbors' cat. Her name is Scruffy and she comes to visit regularly.
Today my friend went home. After she left, my parents and I went to see my Grandfather and put flowers on some family graves. It has been a full day. Grandpa was not feeling well a couple of weeks ago and got dehydrated. He actually went to the emergency room. He's much better now. His appetite is back.
Today my friend went home. After she left, my parents and I went to see my Grandfather and put flowers on some family graves. It has been a full day. Grandpa was not feeling well a couple of weeks ago and got dehydrated. He actually went to the emergency room. He's much better now. His appetite is back.
May 26, 2005
Preparing for Memorial Day Weekend
Tomorrow morning a friend of mine is coming over for the weekend. We were both teaching in Korea and now she lives in Washington State. I won't be writing for a few days, but I'm sure I'll have a fun story or two to tell. Today there was no class because the elementary school that hosts us is having teacher in-service days today and tomorrow. There were 4 students again last night. We planned a party for the last day of class which will be June 8. I am practicing my guitar. I restrung it on Tuesday. We'll sing a couple of songs at the party. There will also be delicious tamales and posole made by my students. Yum! I can't wait.
Today I've been cleaning and clearing out clutter to get ready for my friends visit. It feels great to get things cleared out.
I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to go to the theatre to see Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith or just wait till it's on video or cable TV. I was so dissapointed in the first to prequels. But the chance to see the actual transition from Anakin to Darth Vader and complete the whole series is tempting. I have read pretty good reviews of it. Hmmm. . .
Today I've been cleaning and clearing out clutter to get ready for my friends visit. It feels great to get things cleared out.
I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to go to the theatre to see Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith or just wait till it's on video or cable TV. I was so dissapointed in the first to prequels. But the chance to see the actual transition from Anakin to Darth Vader and complete the whole series is tempting. I have read pretty good reviews of it. Hmmm. . .
May 25, 2005
Starting Over
Well, it looks like I did abandon my online journal. I didn’t intend to and now I’m back. I have been working one part-time job. It looks like that will be finished in two weeks. There has not been good attendance at the class (usually 2-3 students) and the administration decided not to continue the class during the summer. That means that whatever momentum and involvement there is now will be lost. Starting in the fall will be like beginning from scratch. I don’t think they have the commitment to this program to do that (marketing, recruiting, promoting). The supervision switched from the main campus of the college to a closer but smaller satellite campus. They have been a little overwhelmed trying to deal with this class (testing, support for registration and whatnot). I like my supervisor a lot but she really seems overworked and overwhelmed. She has told me to look for another job and most likely there will not be a Fall session at the elementary school site. I’m sad but also a little relieved. The dwindling class has been a bit discouraging and it has been hard for me to keep motivated. Last night was great, though. There were 4 students. That was a record attendance in the last three weeks. Pretty sad, huh. I have been seriously thinking about leaving teaching and starting something else. Library is one idea that I have thought about and even discussed in this journal. I also would really like to talk to a professional career counselor, someone who has reliable information resources and knowledge about what kind of possibilities are out there. I really just want a full time job that is reliable and provides medical benefits. I know that job security is an illusion these days. I’m not looking for 25 years and a gold watch guarantee. But there must be something more secure than adult education where everything is dependant on a grant and up and down student enrollment. Something that at least is going to be secure for a couple of years. Perhaps that’s too much to ask, but I don’t think so. At least this class is going to finish well. I’ve already talked to them about organizing a party for the last day of class. Everyone can bring some food and we’ll enjoy a good celebration. They were excited about it. I would like to invite some of the students who are not attending anymore but who came for a long time. I think it would be great if a few of them would come.
I have been thinking a lot about this but haven’t done anything about it. I really should call the college HR department and see what kind of counseling I can get while I’m still an employee. I should also look into what jobs may be available in the college’s library. I haven’t acted on that yet, though. My supervisor did give me a couple of names of library staff to talk to. Yes, I am really good at avoidance when I’m starting something new and embarking on an activity that I dislike. I really do hate looking for a job. I need to change that attitude though. It is exciting, an adventure. New ideas and new opportunities await.
So, what have I been doing with myself? Watching too much TV, occasionally feeling sorry for myself, enjoying my computer, reading. I discovered a new TV show that I like. It’s called Starting Over. There is a group of women living in a house and each one of them has something to overcome. One woman is trying to repair broken relationships in her life, another is seeking to find her own identity apart from her famous sister (Tony Braxton). Each woman has a goal or a challenge to face and they live together as they work with life coaches and a consulting psychiatrist. Together they learn to heal and face their fears as they transform their lives.
I purchased a laptop about a little over a month ago. I haven’t had my very own computer since I left Massachusetts and abandoned the PC that I purchased when I went back to school for my Masters degree. I used it for 5 years and I discovered the Internet on that computer. My new computer is a notebook and I love it. I’ve never used a notebook computer before. I like the portable size and flexibility of it. I don’t have one of the small 12-13 inch ones. Those are just too cramped and uncomfortable. Not to mention that the screen is so small and annoying to read. I think the tiny ones are great for traveling and when you really take it everywhere. This is a widescreen (15.4 inch) and the keyboard is comfortable for everyday use. I can also watch DVD’s on it, which is great. I can now watch any of my DVD’s upstairs in my bedroom no matter who is watching the big TV downstairs that the DVD player is attached to. I started a journal on my new computer and perhaps I will post some of those entries. I must honestly admit that I am a little hesitant to do that because they are a little raw and revealing. Some of them I wrote as prayers and I doubt that I’ll put them up on the Internet. Yes, I do have my limits and boundaries.
Fun highlights:
I went to the Seattle Opera with my Mom on Mother’s Day and saw Tales of Hoffman. What a fabulous treat that was. It was a marvelous production and wonderfully entertaining, especially the hilarious first act. I wonder if it is always so funny. They really played it for all the laughs. The three acts tell about the three doomed loves of Hoffman’s life. The first act tells how he fell in love with a robot. He was wearing special rose colored glasses at the time so he believed she was a living woman. (Don’t ask, it’s opera and it never makes sense.)
Last Saturday I went to Seattle and met an old college friend at the street fair in the U District. I hadn’t seen her since November. There were lots of arts and crafts, musicians, and yummy food booths. We listened to a fun blue grass/country/rock style band. I had a blackened salmon sandwich which was delicious. We had dinner later at a Greek restaurant called Costas. I bought a beautiful bracelet of carnelian, agate, and yellow jade with matching earrings.
I have been thinking a lot about this but haven’t done anything about it. I really should call the college HR department and see what kind of counseling I can get while I’m still an employee. I should also look into what jobs may be available in the college’s library. I haven’t acted on that yet, though. My supervisor did give me a couple of names of library staff to talk to. Yes, I am really good at avoidance when I’m starting something new and embarking on an activity that I dislike. I really do hate looking for a job. I need to change that attitude though. It is exciting, an adventure. New ideas and new opportunities await.
So, what have I been doing with myself? Watching too much TV, occasionally feeling sorry for myself, enjoying my computer, reading. I discovered a new TV show that I like. It’s called Starting Over. There is a group of women living in a house and each one of them has something to overcome. One woman is trying to repair broken relationships in her life, another is seeking to find her own identity apart from her famous sister (Tony Braxton). Each woman has a goal or a challenge to face and they live together as they work with life coaches and a consulting psychiatrist. Together they learn to heal and face their fears as they transform their lives.
I purchased a laptop about a little over a month ago. I haven’t had my very own computer since I left Massachusetts and abandoned the PC that I purchased when I went back to school for my Masters degree. I used it for 5 years and I discovered the Internet on that computer. My new computer is a notebook and I love it. I’ve never used a notebook computer before. I like the portable size and flexibility of it. I don’t have one of the small 12-13 inch ones. Those are just too cramped and uncomfortable. Not to mention that the screen is so small and annoying to read. I think the tiny ones are great for traveling and when you really take it everywhere. This is a widescreen (15.4 inch) and the keyboard is comfortable for everyday use. I can also watch DVD’s on it, which is great. I can now watch any of my DVD’s upstairs in my bedroom no matter who is watching the big TV downstairs that the DVD player is attached to. I started a journal on my new computer and perhaps I will post some of those entries. I must honestly admit that I am a little hesitant to do that because they are a little raw and revealing. Some of them I wrote as prayers and I doubt that I’ll put them up on the Internet. Yes, I do have my limits and boundaries.
Fun highlights:
I went to the Seattle Opera with my Mom on Mother’s Day and saw Tales of Hoffman. What a fabulous treat that was. It was a marvelous production and wonderfully entertaining, especially the hilarious first act. I wonder if it is always so funny. They really played it for all the laughs. The three acts tell about the three doomed loves of Hoffman’s life. The first act tells how he fell in love with a robot. He was wearing special rose colored glasses at the time so he believed she was a living woman. (Don’t ask, it’s opera and it never makes sense.)
Last Saturday I went to Seattle and met an old college friend at the street fair in the U District. I hadn’t seen her since November. There were lots of arts and crafts, musicians, and yummy food booths. We listened to a fun blue grass/country/rock style band. I had a blackened salmon sandwich which was delicious. We had dinner later at a Greek restaurant called Costas. I bought a beautiful bracelet of carnelian, agate, and yellow jade with matching earrings.
May 18, 2005
Discovering the Power of Joy (a laptop backlog entry)
How has my understanding of God’s will and purpose for my life changed as a result of studying the book of Acts this year in BSF? I know the first answer to the question “Why am I here?” is simply this. To be a witness to the gospel of Christ and what I have seen God do. Similar to Paul’s commission. It’s also the commission that Jesus himself gave to all the disciples before he ascended into heaven. “You will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, Samaria and the whole world.” “Go, and make disciples”. There are a lot of details to be worked out. But that is the ultimate goal; that is the eternal fruit.
God’s specific plans for me and his priorities are different from mine. That has caused some discomfort and some resistance from me. To be honest, it still does. I want to be happy, comfortable, and enjoy life while I’m here on earth. I want low stress, my needs and wants abundantly met. In this culture, I have learned that it’s not enough just to have my needs met, but they should be met instantly. I don’t want to wait for things. I want to have control over my time, my environment, my job, my food cravings catered to, to be able to shop when I want to shop, and to have the things that I think I should have. I want to enjoy time with friends. I don’t like change too much, so I would like it on my terms and to keep the things that I want to keep. I want to experience the happiness, comfort and affection of loving a special man and having a good marriage. I want to feel accepted, loved and that I have a secure place and know where I belong in this world. I want to feel worthy of the respect of others. Some of these things are not bad things. Some of these things are pure selfishness. Some of these things are going along with the expectations and definitions of the world.
God has good plans, but they don’t place a priority on my happiness and enjoyment of the details and circumstances of my life. Not that he wants me to be miserable and that pleasure and enjoyment are automatically wrong or contrary to God’s plan. God has something deeper and more real, though. Joy. Joy does not depend on any outside circumstances, experiences, or even emotions (which are fleeting and are mere responses). Joy is rooted in deep knowledge and confidence in real truth. Joy gives strength, hope, and peace in all circumstances. Joy grasps God’s unfailing love and rock solid character to provide a foundation. Joy allows believers to obey willingly and endure life’s trials and suffering. Not just endure, but overcome and grow through the suffering- giving glory to God and witnessing to the world the power and truth of the gospel.
God’s specific plans for me and his priorities are different from mine. That has caused some discomfort and some resistance from me. To be honest, it still does. I want to be happy, comfortable, and enjoy life while I’m here on earth. I want low stress, my needs and wants abundantly met. In this culture, I have learned that it’s not enough just to have my needs met, but they should be met instantly. I don’t want to wait for things. I want to have control over my time, my environment, my job, my food cravings catered to, to be able to shop when I want to shop, and to have the things that I think I should have. I want to enjoy time with friends. I don’t like change too much, so I would like it on my terms and to keep the things that I want to keep. I want to experience the happiness, comfort and affection of loving a special man and having a good marriage. I want to feel accepted, loved and that I have a secure place and know where I belong in this world. I want to feel worthy of the respect of others. Some of these things are not bad things. Some of these things are pure selfishness. Some of these things are going along with the expectations and definitions of the world.
God has good plans, but they don’t place a priority on my happiness and enjoyment of the details and circumstances of my life. Not that he wants me to be miserable and that pleasure and enjoyment are automatically wrong or contrary to God’s plan. God has something deeper and more real, though. Joy. Joy does not depend on any outside circumstances, experiences, or even emotions (which are fleeting and are mere responses). Joy is rooted in deep knowledge and confidence in real truth. Joy gives strength, hope, and peace in all circumstances. Joy grasps God’s unfailing love and rock solid character to provide a foundation. Joy allows believers to obey willingly and endure life’s trials and suffering. Not just endure, but overcome and grow through the suffering- giving glory to God and witnessing to the world the power and truth of the gospel.
May 12, 2005
What's with relationships? (a laptop backlog entry)
I feel lost and adrift, questioning everything about my life. What I have I done with my life? What do I want to do? Everything is unsettled and up in the air. That is nothing new, but today it is bothering me. Qustions are nagging. Especially one question. Do I want to be in a relationship and eventually get married or not? What is it? There are so few single Christian men my age. There is one single man at the church I attend and he is quite standoffish. I tried at the Christian Singles group at MSN. Nothing there, either. I haven’t tried too hard, there, though. It’s not primarily a dating site, anyway. It’s for fellowship. The situation seems so completely hopeless. Besides, how can I meet someone new and tell him about my life when I have no idea what’s what in my life? Truth is that I’m soon to be unemployed, have no decent job prospects and no career momentum. I want to start something new but have no idea what direction to go or how to go about it. Not to mention that I live with my parents and don’t know when I’ll have the financial resources to move out and reliably support myself. Yeah, that sounds like a great introduction. He’ll judge me as some flaky, lazy idiot who hasn’t done anything with her life and is unlikely to have anything to bring to any happy life together. Truth is that right at this moment that is how I feel about myself. I am already judging myself. I don’t believe that I deserve a wonderful man. I have nothing to offer. I think that’s the biggest reason that I can’t bring myself to subscribe to eHarmony again, not because I truly don’t desire to be married. But why? Why do I want to be married? Why do I think that it would improve my life? I don’t believe the purpose of marriage is to make yourself happy. Marriage requires commitment, work, compromise, putting the other first, responsibility. It means a lot of changes and talking about issues like children or no children and things that I just don’t even have to worry about now. It is a transforming relationship. Iron sharpening iron and all that. Of course there is joy, affection, intimacy, mutual support and other good things that go along with it. But marriage is not a panacea to take away all insecurity, questions, loneliness, etc. So why do I still think that it is important to me? Maybe because right now it would be lovely to have someone come along and tell me that he likes me, cares about me, and thinks I am worth spending time with. Someone to make me feel like I am a special person when I feel like such a loser. But that is looking for validation and worth in the wrong place. God tells me that I am special. Just like the quote and the verses from yesterday, He created me and knew me from always. He loves me so much that he gave his life for me. That is what makes me special; no human love or human praise can compare with that. Validation is not a reason to want a relationship. So, just hold on to God and quit whining. If he has a relationship, he’ll make it happen. I go back and forth. I hardly dare to dream that someone could come into my life because it seems like setting myself up for disappointment. I am sometimes content and don’t think about it at all. Still, all around me are reminders that most other people date and eventually find a husband or a wife to share their lives. Not to mention the obsession with sex in our culture. It makes me feel like a freak sometimes. I would like to express those desires and that aspect of myself with someone that I love and trust. On the other hand I know that there is a lot more to life than just that. My identity as a feminine woman does not depend on that.
May 11, 2005
Comfort (a laptop backlog entry)
Quote from TV series Jeremiah spoken by Mr. Smith, a prophet character, to another character as a message to her from God.
I saw your face before you were born,
I knew your name before it was spoken,
I heard your voice before you cried at birth.
I bring only beautiful things into this world;
And you will, too, in your time.
This echoes several passages in scripture. It almost paraphrases the beginning of Psalm 139.
Other verses that echo aspects of this message:
Isaiah 62:3-4
John 15:5, 7-8
Jeremiah 1:5
I loved this so much when I heard it sometime last year as I watched the apocalyptic sci-fi series Jeremiah. I rewound the scene so I could write down the words. It comforted me deeply when I had been unemployed for months. I knew that there was biblical truth in it. I put the scrap of paper with this quote and the scripture references in my wallet so I could look at it and read it anytime. Now I am struggling again with my purpose and worth. I am wondering what my career path should be. This is again a comfort to me. God’s truth is always helpful. God, help me to grow in you and bear fruit for your kingdom. I’m still rough and unfinished, but you see the completed masterwork of your finished design in me. Help me to daily submit to your molding and not fight you. I want to be what you meant me to be, whatever that is. Help me to see your vision and trust you completely to provide and equip me for every task that you ask me to do. Fill me with joy and passion for your will, your work, and your Kingdom.
I saw your face before you were born,
I knew your name before it was spoken,
I heard your voice before you cried at birth.
I bring only beautiful things into this world;
And you will, too, in your time.
This echoes several passages in scripture. It almost paraphrases the beginning of Psalm 139.
Other verses that echo aspects of this message:
Isaiah 62:3-4
John 15:5, 7-8
Jeremiah 1:5
I loved this so much when I heard it sometime last year as I watched the apocalyptic sci-fi series Jeremiah. I rewound the scene so I could write down the words. It comforted me deeply when I had been unemployed for months. I knew that there was biblical truth in it. I put the scrap of paper with this quote and the scripture references in my wallet so I could look at it and read it anytime. Now I am struggling again with my purpose and worth. I am wondering what my career path should be. This is again a comfort to me. God’s truth is always helpful. God, help me to grow in you and bear fruit for your kingdom. I’m still rough and unfinished, but you see the completed masterwork of your finished design in me. Help me to daily submit to your molding and not fight you. I want to be what you meant me to be, whatever that is. Help me to see your vision and trust you completely to provide and equip me for every task that you ask me to do. Fill me with joy and passion for your will, your work, and your Kingdom.
April 29, 2005
Rambling Reflections (a laptop backlog entry)
Today is the day I’m leaving for the Kingdom Weekend retreat. I hope that it is really good. I’m sure it will be. I just took a shower. I’m mostly packed. I bought a really good movie today with a coupon and double points on my movie club membership. Starting Over is going to be on TV any minute. I like that show. I think of my parents’ house as a starting over house for me; it is just taking a long time for me to graduate. The show today was dealing a lot with hidden anger and a woman who is denying and obstructing any discussion or work on her anger. It was interesting. It made me wonder if I have a well of hidden anger. I think I do let some anger build up, but then at some point I usually vent it and own up to what has made me angry. I usually cry and write and pray it out. Sometimes I’ve been angry at myself, sometimes at God, at situations.
Anger List: The biggest things I’ve been angry about at one time or another in the past two years
Not finding a job
Not finding a husband
Myself being lazy or procrastinating
Being pressured into commitments that I don’t want to make
Having nothing to show for what I’ve been doing with my life, feeling that I’ve wasted my life.
That I sometimes fail to keep in communication with friends that I care about, not replying to e-mail or sending them a letter or calling when I say that I will.
Having to wait and wait without knowing when or how God is going to provide for something that I need or that I think that I need.
Being ignored by all those men at eHarmony
Well, that is a starter list. There may be some things just simmering under the surface. Last year about this time I went to the Kingdom Weekend and didn’t realize how angry I was at God for not meeting the expectations that I had. I felt that I had been working hard at doing the right thing and building a new life here and it wasn’t going very well. I was working at a job that I didn’t like and was just a temporary thing. I had been working hard at eHarmony and found only rejection. I had really imagined getting a career started and a wonderful, loving relationship that would turn into a lasting marriage. I had dreamed that a whole new and exciting life would start. I was really angry because things in my new life were not shaping into what I hoped for and it was deeply disappointing. I felt that God owed me the fulfillment of some of those dreams because I was trying my best to do what I thought was right. Not that I was living perfectly and I still am not living perfectly. But I was trying my best.
Where have I come since last year? Have I made any progress in my walk with God or in my new life in Washington State? I’m in a job that is very precarious and may possibly end permanently in about a month. But it is a teaching job at a community college, which is exactly what I was dreaming about. I had another teaching job for several months and that one ended due to a lack of students and due to, partly, my lack of ability to handle the incredibly diverse needs and desires of the students. I tried my best and I prayed really hard for wisdom and creativity and insight. It just didn’t work out that well and I wasn’t really sad when it was over because I was also really stressed out by the way things were run there and it was not a great working environment for me. There were communication problems which led to not having important information about the schedule or other things I needed to be able to do my job well and give the students the right information about programs and events.
I quit eHarmony and have had some temptation to start again, but haven’t renewed my membership. I won’t say that I never will. I still have a profile there and I haven’t closed it out. But I am less and less tempted to open the membership because I feel that everything in my life is still too unsettled. I think if I had a more secure job that paid me fairly well and I was moved in to an apartment, then I would be much more tempted to open the membership up. I am embarrassed by my present circumstances still and don’t want to have to tell a man who may start communicating with me that I live with my parents and don’t have a car or a dependable job. I don’t believe that he would accept me. I’m not sure that I accept my circumstances fully. Sometimes I feel like such a loser and a failure because I can’t support myself. Then I tell myself that God doesn’t judge me by my paycheck or by what I do or own. He still loves me. That is true. He does love me unconditionally and my worth and my salvation are not based on my acts or on worldly success.
God defines success very differently. But I still can’t help being angry with myself and I get depressed because I feel like a failure, not knowing know how to build this new life. I am angry because I had the dream jobs that I wanted and they weren’t the answer. I am seriously thinking of not teaching anymore and finding another career path. I don’t even know what career path I should follow. I have not been able to manage my professional life well. But I do praise God that with the money that I made in Korea and the money that I have made in the piece meal jobs I have been working at here and there that I am almost out of debt. I don’t have any credit card debt at all. I am still paying my student loan and I have not missed a payment once in almost two years since I’ve been here. That is such a huge load off. That debt was killing and choking me in Massachusetts and it seemed I would never be out from under it.
Thank you, God. Praise you for always provided what I really need. You have proven yourself totally faithful. Yet still I seek to build a little scaffold of worldly security that I can lean on so that I don’t have to get in a tight spot and wonder how you are going to get me out of it. You always do, but I get so frustrated in the middle of it. Sometimes I do trust and I know your peace in the middle. But often I run around in my own strength exhausting myself because I’m panicked in the darkness and don’t trust that the light is going to come before it’s too late. I get embarrassed when I have to tell strangers about my life because I feel that they judge me the way that the worldly part of my mind judges me- as a failure and a slacker. Progress that I’ve made is that I don’t expect God to just grant my wishes because I try to please him. I have had part of my dream come true. I saw that it wasn’t the answer that I expected.
Now I’m ready to quit teaching. What next? What dream? I don’t know. Dreams lead to disappointment anyway. There is only security and happiness in eternity. No dream can satisfy now in this life. Then what is the point of dreaming and making goals? Well, they can be helpful to motivate you and get you going in the right direction. God has plans for me. Those plans are for good- to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. Ultimately that is in eternity. But I do believe that he has positive things for me in this life, too. His plans will help me to have the most fulfilling and satisfying life possible for me in this world. It may not be materially rich and satisfying that way. But there are many kinds of “riches”. I ask God to help me see his vision and to help me be passionate about the things that He wants me to do. I have no idea what the results will be. It is a little scary that way because I like to feel a little bit more in control.
Anger List: The biggest things I’ve been angry about at one time or another in the past two years
Not finding a job
Not finding a husband
Myself being lazy or procrastinating
Being pressured into commitments that I don’t want to make
Having nothing to show for what I’ve been doing with my life, feeling that I’ve wasted my life.
That I sometimes fail to keep in communication with friends that I care about, not replying to e-mail or sending them a letter or calling when I say that I will.
Having to wait and wait without knowing when or how God is going to provide for something that I need or that I think that I need.
Being ignored by all those men at eHarmony
Well, that is a starter list. There may be some things just simmering under the surface. Last year about this time I went to the Kingdom Weekend and didn’t realize how angry I was at God for not meeting the expectations that I had. I felt that I had been working hard at doing the right thing and building a new life here and it wasn’t going very well. I was working at a job that I didn’t like and was just a temporary thing. I had been working hard at eHarmony and found only rejection. I had really imagined getting a career started and a wonderful, loving relationship that would turn into a lasting marriage. I had dreamed that a whole new and exciting life would start. I was really angry because things in my new life were not shaping into what I hoped for and it was deeply disappointing. I felt that God owed me the fulfillment of some of those dreams because I was trying my best to do what I thought was right. Not that I was living perfectly and I still am not living perfectly. But I was trying my best.
Where have I come since last year? Have I made any progress in my walk with God or in my new life in Washington State? I’m in a job that is very precarious and may possibly end permanently in about a month. But it is a teaching job at a community college, which is exactly what I was dreaming about. I had another teaching job for several months and that one ended due to a lack of students and due to, partly, my lack of ability to handle the incredibly diverse needs and desires of the students. I tried my best and I prayed really hard for wisdom and creativity and insight. It just didn’t work out that well and I wasn’t really sad when it was over because I was also really stressed out by the way things were run there and it was not a great working environment for me. There were communication problems which led to not having important information about the schedule or other things I needed to be able to do my job well and give the students the right information about programs and events.
I quit eHarmony and have had some temptation to start again, but haven’t renewed my membership. I won’t say that I never will. I still have a profile there and I haven’t closed it out. But I am less and less tempted to open the membership because I feel that everything in my life is still too unsettled. I think if I had a more secure job that paid me fairly well and I was moved in to an apartment, then I would be much more tempted to open the membership up. I am embarrassed by my present circumstances still and don’t want to have to tell a man who may start communicating with me that I live with my parents and don’t have a car or a dependable job. I don’t believe that he would accept me. I’m not sure that I accept my circumstances fully. Sometimes I feel like such a loser and a failure because I can’t support myself. Then I tell myself that God doesn’t judge me by my paycheck or by what I do or own. He still loves me. That is true. He does love me unconditionally and my worth and my salvation are not based on my acts or on worldly success.
God defines success very differently. But I still can’t help being angry with myself and I get depressed because I feel like a failure, not knowing know how to build this new life. I am angry because I had the dream jobs that I wanted and they weren’t the answer. I am seriously thinking of not teaching anymore and finding another career path. I don’t even know what career path I should follow. I have not been able to manage my professional life well. But I do praise God that with the money that I made in Korea and the money that I have made in the piece meal jobs I have been working at here and there that I am almost out of debt. I don’t have any credit card debt at all. I am still paying my student loan and I have not missed a payment once in almost two years since I’ve been here. That is such a huge load off. That debt was killing and choking me in Massachusetts and it seemed I would never be out from under it.
Thank you, God. Praise you for always provided what I really need. You have proven yourself totally faithful. Yet still I seek to build a little scaffold of worldly security that I can lean on so that I don’t have to get in a tight spot and wonder how you are going to get me out of it. You always do, but I get so frustrated in the middle of it. Sometimes I do trust and I know your peace in the middle. But often I run around in my own strength exhausting myself because I’m panicked in the darkness and don’t trust that the light is going to come before it’s too late. I get embarrassed when I have to tell strangers about my life because I feel that they judge me the way that the worldly part of my mind judges me- as a failure and a slacker. Progress that I’ve made is that I don’t expect God to just grant my wishes because I try to please him. I have had part of my dream come true. I saw that it wasn’t the answer that I expected.
Now I’m ready to quit teaching. What next? What dream? I don’t know. Dreams lead to disappointment anyway. There is only security and happiness in eternity. No dream can satisfy now in this life. Then what is the point of dreaming and making goals? Well, they can be helpful to motivate you and get you going in the right direction. God has plans for me. Those plans are for good- to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. Ultimately that is in eternity. But I do believe that he has positive things for me in this life, too. His plans will help me to have the most fulfilling and satisfying life possible for me in this world. It may not be materially rich and satisfying that way. But there are many kinds of “riches”. I ask God to help me see his vision and to help me be passionate about the things that He wants me to do. I have no idea what the results will be. It is a little scary that way because I like to feel a little bit more in control.
April 09, 2005
I love Spring Break
It's Saturday and the school is on Spring break next week, so I will have a bit of a vacation. It's nice to be so relaxed. I love having free time. I'm definitely not a workaholic, though I do enjoy teaching. My students are so kind and they really want to learn. It's so exciting to help them prepare to meet goals and learn skills that will make their lives here much better. They also treat each other like family. It's a community. Let me give an example. We had class on Ash Wednesday. There were 9 students there and all of them except 2 left early to go to the Catholic church 1/2 a block away. The two students and I enjoyed infomal class for the last 20 minutes. The next evening one of the two faithful students told me about what happened after class. She and the other woman who stayed were walking to her car in the parking lot. It was dark and the parking lot was empty. They saw that there was a truck parked next to her car. As they drew closer, they saw that there was a man in the truck. The truck's door opened and the man stepped out. The two women were quite scared. The man approached them and suddenly they recognized him as one of their classmates. He had brought ashes from the church and carried them in his hand to mark their forheads with a cross. She laughed as she told me the story.
What plans do I have for the break? Enjoy my free time by watching movies, relaxing, reading, shopping.
What plans do I have for the break? Enjoy my free time by watching movies, relaxing, reading, shopping.
March 25, 2005
No, I haven't abandonned this journal
I just finished (at 2:40 this afternoon) the last paperwork for Winter Quarter 2005 and I feel like celebrating. This week was the first week of classes for Spring Quarter 2005. Three weeks ago I was let go from the other job because the registration has been going down. They didn’t have enough students to offer me any hours. This week I was substituting for my friend who is still teaching for them. She is the one who gave them my name and helped me get the job. Things have been busy, stressful and I’ve been bordering on depressed. It showed in being very negative and grumpy at home. Every little thing felt like a big problem and took a lot of energy and made me anxious. My mom actually told me that I had been acting miserable for a while. I was trying to deal with things in my own strength and not setting my mind and my hope in God. I’ve barely been keeping up with my Bible study and kind of just going through the motions.
Last weekend my aunt, uncle, and cousins came for a visit. My oldest cousin, who got married a few weeks after I returned from Korea, had a baby 8 months ago. None of us here in Washington have seen him. He is my grandfather’s first great-grandchild. We were all thrilled to see him and he is a wonderful, easy-going baby with strawberry blond hair and the biggest, brightest blue eyes you can imagine. It was also my aunt’s birthday and we had a great time as a family. I hadn’t seen my cousins at all since the wedding in September 2003. We went to a PBR (Professional Bull Riding) show in Tacoma. It was a lot of fun. That weekend was the only truly enjoyable thing that I can remember in the last month.
My sister and her husband are really getting serious about getting up here soon. They are actually starting to look at house listings. It also looks like they will bring the youngest kid with them. She is 14 or 15 years old. My brother-in-law had two children with his first wife. They have been married for 5 years and don’t have any children together. They don’t want any more children. The two girls have been living with their mother, but there have been a lot of problems lately. Their mother has been having terrible fights with her live-in boyfriend.
Last weekend my aunt, uncle, and cousins came for a visit. My oldest cousin, who got married a few weeks after I returned from Korea, had a baby 8 months ago. None of us here in Washington have seen him. He is my grandfather’s first great-grandchild. We were all thrilled to see him and he is a wonderful, easy-going baby with strawberry blond hair and the biggest, brightest blue eyes you can imagine. It was also my aunt’s birthday and we had a great time as a family. I hadn’t seen my cousins at all since the wedding in September 2003. We went to a PBR (Professional Bull Riding) show in Tacoma. It was a lot of fun. That weekend was the only truly enjoyable thing that I can remember in the last month.
My sister and her husband are really getting serious about getting up here soon. They are actually starting to look at house listings. It also looks like they will bring the youngest kid with them. She is 14 or 15 years old. My brother-in-law had two children with his first wife. They have been married for 5 years and don’t have any children together. They don’t want any more children. The two girls have been living with their mother, but there have been a lot of problems lately. Their mother has been having terrible fights with her live-in boyfriend.
February 06, 2005
February: Valentine's Day, Birthday, and Super Bowl
This has been a great weekend. I had a good meeting with my supervisor from the community college to start getting ready for what needs to be finished for the end of the quarter which is in the middle of March. Yes, just over a month away. It is really comforting, though, to start getting ready now because I know that things will get hectic and overwhelming if I don’t think ahead and keep up. So far I’ve been doing well with that.
My birthday is this month. I took some of my first paychecks and bought myself a piece of jewelry. There was a one-day sale at the store and I got a really good deal. The pendant was already 50% off and then the one-day sale added another 20% discount. It’s a fairly large, square, peridot with lots of facets so the light really dances and makes it brilliant. Peridot is my current favorite gemstone other than amethyst. Of course, amethyst is my birthstone. I am wearing the pendant right now and I really love how it looks. The chain is at just the right length , so it is sitting level with my collar-bone which is very flattering. It makes a lovely set with the peridot earrings that I have and a silver and green turquoise ring that I have.
Hey, if you don’t have a special someone to buy you jewelry, then you have to buy it for yourself. Seriously, ladies. If you can, you deserve it. Don’t go overboard, of course; be responsible. But if you like pretty jewelry, don’t wait until some man decides to buy one for you. I also consider the pendant a consolation gift for not having any valentine to look forward to. I don’t get as bothered by this holiday as I used to. It used to be a difficult and painful reminder of something I felt was missing. I was alone, left out in the cold. I no longer feel incomplete, but it is still a reminder of a dream that I have left behind. I have not re-opened a membership at eHharmony and I think it unlikely that I will do so. I did get slightly snippy when someone at church suggested that I go to the sweetheart dinner. He just wanted to sell a ticket and raise more money. There is still a little bit of a nerve there, but it does not hurt nearly the way that it used to years ago.
Our Super Bowl menu is barbecued beef sandwiches, potato salad, and jalepeno poppers. We have a great recipe for simple and relatively light jalepeno poppers. The filling is low-fat cream cheese with a little bit of low-fat cheddar and some fat-free mayonnaise. You cut the peppers in half lengthwise and spoon out all the seeds. Now you can put the filling into each half. Then you dip the side with the filling into egg-white and then into a small bowl of crushed corn flakes. So, just the top half is “breaded”, and the corn flakes are really crunchy. Then you bake them at 375 degrees for 25-30 minutes. They are not deep-fried, which cuts a lot of fat. They are pretty healthy and taste great! We love them!
My birthday is this month. I took some of my first paychecks and bought myself a piece of jewelry. There was a one-day sale at the store and I got a really good deal. The pendant was already 50% off and then the one-day sale added another 20% discount. It’s a fairly large, square, peridot with lots of facets so the light really dances and makes it brilliant. Peridot is my current favorite gemstone other than amethyst. Of course, amethyst is my birthstone. I am wearing the pendant right now and I really love how it looks. The chain is at just the right length , so it is sitting level with my collar-bone which is very flattering. It makes a lovely set with the peridot earrings that I have and a silver and green turquoise ring that I have.
Hey, if you don’t have a special someone to buy you jewelry, then you have to buy it for yourself. Seriously, ladies. If you can, you deserve it. Don’t go overboard, of course; be responsible. But if you like pretty jewelry, don’t wait until some man decides to buy one for you. I also consider the pendant a consolation gift for not having any valentine to look forward to. I don’t get as bothered by this holiday as I used to. It used to be a difficult and painful reminder of something I felt was missing. I was alone, left out in the cold. I no longer feel incomplete, but it is still a reminder of a dream that I have left behind. I have not re-opened a membership at eHharmony and I think it unlikely that I will do so. I did get slightly snippy when someone at church suggested that I go to the sweetheart dinner. He just wanted to sell a ticket and raise more money. There is still a little bit of a nerve there, but it does not hurt nearly the way that it used to years ago.
Our Super Bowl menu is barbecued beef sandwiches, potato salad, and jalepeno poppers. We have a great recipe for simple and relatively light jalepeno poppers. The filling is low-fat cream cheese with a little bit of low-fat cheddar and some fat-free mayonnaise. You cut the peppers in half lengthwise and spoon out all the seeds. Now you can put the filling into each half. Then you dip the side with the filling into egg-white and then into a small bowl of crushed corn flakes. So, just the top half is “breaded”, and the corn flakes are really crunchy. Then you bake them at 375 degrees for 25-30 minutes. They are not deep-fried, which cuts a lot of fat. They are pretty healthy and taste great! We love them!
January 28, 2005
Hello Again
This month has been hectic, exciting, scary, exhausting, and an adventure. Time has flown and I have barely had time to keep up with laundry, e-mail, and anything oustide of work. I think I'm starting to breathe a little bit more now and things are settling into a smoother rhythm. The students are mostly great and I am enjoying working with them. One school has mostly Korean students and the other is all Spanish speaking students. The class that I have enjoyed the most so far is the integrated skills class (that means reading, writing, speaking and listening) based on the theme of stories and storytelling. We started with folktales, then biography/autobiography and finally some drama. I think I'll read one story for an audioblogger entry. Now just to choose. Now it's the weekend. Well, I have a meeting tomorrow (Friday) and some planning to do and assignment grades to record. I can at least do a lot of that at home and be relaxed. An old college friend that I haven't seen in many years will come and visit me on Saturday. That is exciting. I'll be sure and write about it. I think I'm starting to get settled again and I'm finding time for things, like keeping this journal.
January 08, 2005
First Week Jitters
Well, the first week of my first term at both schools was chaotic, hectic, exciting, and the lessons went pretty well. I knew the beginning of the term at two new schools was going to be crazy and it was. Overall, though, it went really well and better than I expected in some ways. The big challenges were classroom changes (due to buildings with no heat), a lot of new students strolling through the door (there’s continuous enrollment at the community college site), and last minute schedule changes (a welcome assembly lunch that nobody told me was rescheduled and I walked to the opposite side of campus with my students to find that there was nobody there and nothing happening that day). There was also great news. My community college class is now more than full and they hired a Teaching Assistant for me. She will be able to handle all the registration headaches when any other new students come in. There is a limit, however, of 32 students “regularly attending” and after that we will have to start a waiting list. That will work well, though, because it will encourage everyone to attend class; I can tell them that if they miss too many classes in a row that there are people waiting to take their spot in the class. I met my TA yesterday and she hasn’t had experience teaching but she is really a quick learner; I helped my supervisor train her to do registration and intake testing. She seems like a natural and I know that the students will love her. I’ve never had a TA before, so it will be a learning experience for me. I have to find the best way to delegate and communicate lesson plans and what I want her to do. If the class attendance stays high, it will be wonderful to have her help me monitor the students when they are practicing conversation in pairs. It takes a long time for one person to get around to 15 or 16 pairs and they get bored or you can’t make it around to everyone and the students don’t get the attention or help that they deserve.
Thursday evening was really great. I felt like it was my birthday and I was just giddy like a little girl. First of all, a friend left a funny and really nice message for me on voicemail. I checked it right after I was finished with my first job and was getting ready to go to the community college class. It cracked me up. Then I called Mom and found out that the community college class was cancelled due to expected snow and ice that evening. As if that wasn’t enough, she told me that the community college had hired a TA for me. I wasn’t expecting that either. I was really exhausted after the first week of classes and to be able to go home early and know that next week I would have someone to help me deal with registration and stuff was amazing and wonderful. It all came just like a big rush of wonderful gifts. Then my parents decided that we would all go out to dinner. They usually have a meeting that night, but due to the weather reports their meeting had been cancelled just like my class. It felt like a big surprise party celebration. I was overjoyed and had a great time relaxing. I caught up on some sleep the next morning.
Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep. I ended up doing a couple of loads of laundry and watched Samurai X, an anime movie, on Cable. It was very beautiful to look at, but the tone was sad. The love story was sweet but the characters were so sullen and full of grief, regret and suffering. Overall, I don’t highly recommend it. I was having trouble settling down because so many things were rattling around in my brain, details for next week’s classes and what not. I ended up making a list and then my mind could shut down because I knew that I wouldn’t forget any thing that I wanted/needed to do. It will be easier next week, anyway. The foundations have been laid and the students and I are oriented to classrooms, schedule, and each other.
Thursday evening was really great. I felt like it was my birthday and I was just giddy like a little girl. First of all, a friend left a funny and really nice message for me on voicemail. I checked it right after I was finished with my first job and was getting ready to go to the community college class. It cracked me up. Then I called Mom and found out that the community college class was cancelled due to expected snow and ice that evening. As if that wasn’t enough, she told me that the community college had hired a TA for me. I wasn’t expecting that either. I was really exhausted after the first week of classes and to be able to go home early and know that next week I would have someone to help me deal with registration and stuff was amazing and wonderful. It all came just like a big rush of wonderful gifts. Then my parents decided that we would all go out to dinner. They usually have a meeting that night, but due to the weather reports their meeting had been cancelled just like my class. It felt like a big surprise party celebration. I was overjoyed and had a great time relaxing. I caught up on some sleep the next morning.
Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep. I ended up doing a couple of loads of laundry and watched Samurai X, an anime movie, on Cable. It was very beautiful to look at, but the tone was sad. The love story was sweet but the characters were so sullen and full of grief, regret and suffering. Overall, I don’t highly recommend it. I was having trouble settling down because so many things were rattling around in my brain, details for next week’s classes and what not. I ended up making a list and then my mind could shut down because I knew that I wouldn’t forget any thing that I wanted/needed to do. It will be easier next week, anyway. The foundations have been laid and the students and I are oriented to classrooms, schedule, and each other.
December 30, 2004
Ready for the New Year
Lots of work has been done. But I still found time on Monday to watch nearly 5 hours of Return of the King: Extended Edition. All I can say about that trilogy is,"Amazing." I got the ROTK DVD for Christmas from my parents. It was the only thing that I wanted. They were also generous and got me a few things on top of that. It was more than I expected. I was surprised by a beautiful rubber stamp of large poppies and shimmery, pearlized watercolor pigments to go with it.
Ok, what work has been accomplished? Well, I have my class syllabi finished and that feels so good. I am getting excited about the beginning of classes. Before this week I was a little bit terrified about the first day. I had a horrible time falling to sleep one night, sometime before Christmas, because I was so nervous and all the things I had to do and questions were spinning in my head. Mom, in a wise moment, told me that I should remember that I am not doing this alone and that God would not have given me more than I could handle. I woke up and she had printed out some scriptures on cards and taped them in my room and in my bathroom.
Here are a couple of them.
Romans 8:15 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received a spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
My sister told us that she and her husband should be moving to Washington sometime in the fall of 2005. I am so excited and I will prepare to move out of the house. I am already thinking about what would be a good location. I don't know if I’ll move out by myself or try and share an apartment with someone. We’ll see. Mom is especially pleased. She mentioned twice today how great it will be to have Jan and Kevin living locally. She was imagining next year’s holidays with all of us together.
We had split pea soup tonight that was made with the bone of the ham and the last of the leftover meat. Oh, so good. We had asiago cheese bread from Safeway, toasted up to go with the soup. Perfect combination and finished off with Pino Grigio, a white wine. I love split pea soup. Except when I was a kid and would throw a fit each year at Maundy Thursday Soup Supper at church because it was always split pea soup. I didn’t like it until I tried it again sometime in college. Now I love it. Sorry about the fits, Mom. Funny how tastes change.
Ok, what work has been accomplished? Well, I have my class syllabi finished and that feels so good. I am getting excited about the beginning of classes. Before this week I was a little bit terrified about the first day. I had a horrible time falling to sleep one night, sometime before Christmas, because I was so nervous and all the things I had to do and questions were spinning in my head. Mom, in a wise moment, told me that I should remember that I am not doing this alone and that God would not have given me more than I could handle. I woke up and she had printed out some scriptures on cards and taped them in my room and in my bathroom.
Here are a couple of them.
Romans 8:15 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received a spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
My sister told us that she and her husband should be moving to Washington sometime in the fall of 2005. I am so excited and I will prepare to move out of the house. I am already thinking about what would be a good location. I don't know if I’ll move out by myself or try and share an apartment with someone. We’ll see. Mom is especially pleased. She mentioned twice today how great it will be to have Jan and Kevin living locally. She was imagining next year’s holidays with all of us together.
We had split pea soup tonight that was made with the bone of the ham and the last of the leftover meat. Oh, so good. We had asiago cheese bread from Safeway, toasted up to go with the soup. Perfect combination and finished off with Pino Grigio, a white wine. I love split pea soup. Except when I was a kid and would throw a fit each year at Maundy Thursday Soup Supper at church because it was always split pea soup. I didn’t like it until I tried it again sometime in college. Now I love it. Sorry about the fits, Mom. Funny how tastes change.
December 26, 2004
The After Christmas Rush
I worked my last shift at the Lane Bryant today. Of course, it was quite busy being the day after Christmas, but that made the time fly. There were lots of us working so it wasn’t overwhelming and went smoothly. I had to get to the mall two-and-a-half hours before my shift started because Mom and Dad had to be at church early. My shift started at 11:00 am, around the time that their service would be ending. So I brought some prep materials with me and sat in the foodcourt getting some things ready for next Monday, the start of classes. I also did some shopping since it was the last day for my employee discount and they are having a great sale. I spent some Christmas money that Grandpa gave me and put the rest on my card. I bought bras, a pair of boot-cut jeans, and a couple of shirts. Many of my coworkers were there so I got to say goodbye to them. Of course I will see them when I go in as a customer later. I sure won’t need new clothes for a while, though. The “girls” that work there work hard but treat each other like family and know how to have fun while working.
I didn't have time to eat the ham sandwich I had made in case I got a 15-minute break and could eat. After my purse and all my bags had been looked through (routine after each shift to prevent employee theft) and I had started walking to the door, I realized that I had left the sandwich in the fridge in the break room. I was really hungry, too. I went to the threshold of the store and my manager saw me. I told her that I had forgotten my sandwich. She was the same one who had just looked through all my stuff and didn't really want to do it again. She said, "Let me go back and get it." and returned quickly. Then I took all my stuff out to the parking lot to find Dad. I didn't see him right away and he told me that he'd be in front. I put my bags on top of a truck and got my phone out to call him. He doesn't usually pick me up and he can get impatient. But before I could hit the speed dial, there he was. I quickly grabbed bags and trotted to the car with all my stuff, except for the sandwich. I left the small bag with the sandwich on the hood of that truck in the parking lot. I realized it when we were half-way home. At first I was really disappointed, but then we laughed. He said that mall security would probably have dogs sniff it for drugs or explosives and call the police, who would send it to be tested for biological or chemical weapons. "It might be on the news tonight" he smirked. "Oh, yeah. Mall closed after suspicious ham sandwich with swiss cheese and dijon mustard was found left in the parking lot. No suspects have been identified yet."
When I got home I relaxed, watching a movie (Bulletproof Monk) with Dad. It was silly story but fun. I also found a treasure on the Sundance channel, La Jetee. It’s an experimental French short film that inspired the movie 12 Monkeys. I watched it while I taped it. Even though it's just half-an-hour long, I was so tired that I kind of dozed a couple of times. I have read about the movie, but have never seen it or thought that I would get the chance. The most interesting thing is that it is all still shots. Sometimes there is some camera movement to zoom in on part of a photo, but the pictures do not move. It sounds like it could be stilted and perhaps kind of boring, but it’s not. There is still a sense of movement in some parts, especially the quick succession of photos at the end of the man running. After seeing the original inspiration, I know where Terry Gilliam, who directed 12 Monkeys, got the idea for the strange optical gear that the “scientists” or “doctors” wear when they examine the man. Terry took it a lot farther, though, and it worked really well in 12 Monkeys. As I write this, a furry tabby, Scruffy, the neighbor’s cat, is laying across my arms. It makes it a little hard to write, but she keeps my arms warm.
I didn't have time to eat the ham sandwich I had made in case I got a 15-minute break and could eat. After my purse and all my bags had been looked through (routine after each shift to prevent employee theft) and I had started walking to the door, I realized that I had left the sandwich in the fridge in the break room. I was really hungry, too. I went to the threshold of the store and my manager saw me. I told her that I had forgotten my sandwich. She was the same one who had just looked through all my stuff and didn't really want to do it again. She said, "Let me go back and get it." and returned quickly. Then I took all my stuff out to the parking lot to find Dad. I didn't see him right away and he told me that he'd be in front. I put my bags on top of a truck and got my phone out to call him. He doesn't usually pick me up and he can get impatient. But before I could hit the speed dial, there he was. I quickly grabbed bags and trotted to the car with all my stuff, except for the sandwich. I left the small bag with the sandwich on the hood of that truck in the parking lot. I realized it when we were half-way home. At first I was really disappointed, but then we laughed. He said that mall security would probably have dogs sniff it for drugs or explosives and call the police, who would send it to be tested for biological or chemical weapons. "It might be on the news tonight" he smirked. "Oh, yeah. Mall closed after suspicious ham sandwich with swiss cheese and dijon mustard was found left in the parking lot. No suspects have been identified yet."
When I got home I relaxed, watching a movie (Bulletproof Monk) with Dad. It was silly story but fun. I also found a treasure on the Sundance channel, La Jetee. It’s an experimental French short film that inspired the movie 12 Monkeys. I watched it while I taped it. Even though it's just half-an-hour long, I was so tired that I kind of dozed a couple of times. I have read about the movie, but have never seen it or thought that I would get the chance. The most interesting thing is that it is all still shots. Sometimes there is some camera movement to zoom in on part of a photo, but the pictures do not move. It sounds like it could be stilted and perhaps kind of boring, but it’s not. There is still a sense of movement in some parts, especially the quick succession of photos at the end of the man running. After seeing the original inspiration, I know where Terry Gilliam, who directed 12 Monkeys, got the idea for the strange optical gear that the “scientists” or “doctors” wear when they examine the man. Terry took it a lot farther, though, and it worked really well in 12 Monkeys. As I write this, a furry tabby, Scruffy, the neighbor’s cat, is laying across my arms. It makes it a little hard to write, but she keeps my arms warm.
December 24, 2004
Christmas Eve
My Favorite Things About Christmas
1. God, out of love, humbled himself to take human form and live with us. Immanuel: God With Us.
2. Lights and candles everywhere
3. Family and friends getting together
4. Christmas Music
5. The smell (and taste) of pumpkin pie
6. Eggnog Latte
7. The Charlie Brown Christmas Special
8. The movie, A Christmas Story - not to be confused with A Christmas Carol. If you’ve seen it, you know what I mean. I hope you have seen it.
I know it should be 5 or 10 to be an ideal number, but this is everything I wanted to include and there is nothing else that I really want to add.
This year is a rather low-key but nice Christmas. We are going up to spend the day with Grandpa like we did on Thanksgiving. The dinner will be much simpler, though. Here is the menu: Ham, scalloped potatoes, salad, baby brusselsprouts, Pillsbury crescent rolls, and pumpkin pie. I know, I know, but we actually like brusselsprouts.
I’m not going to the midnight service at my parent’s church, though. (No, I don’t go to the same church as my parents. I have attended occasional holiday services with them at their church, though.) I closed at Lane Bryant twice this week and things have been busy. I just don’t have the energy to do it. I went last year and enjoyed it, even though it is terribly long. My church has an earlier service, at 7:00 and I’ll go there and spend the rest of the evening relaxing quietly alone with beautiful Christmas music and candles. If I can’t get my parents to watch the Charlie Brown special with me this afternoon, then I’ll watch it before I start the music.
There was debate about when to open our presents this year. Because we want to get on the road quickly so that the ham can get in the oven in time for an early dinner we thought tonight might be a good time. I want to sleep a little later and keep the morning simple. We ended up deciding to wait until tomorrow night after we have returned from Grandpa’s. That sounded best. We won’t be overtired and we can just have some quiet, relaxed time opening a few gifts after everything is over. There are very few presents, actually. I couldn’t even afford to buy any this year. I’m giving cards- and they still aren’t in the mail. I know, I’m bad. But a couple times when I was in Korea there were no presents from anyone, and it didn’t really matter. I don’t care much about that, except it is fun when you can take the time to plan special gifts and see people open them up. It is also great fun to be surprised with something wonderful that you never thought of.
I hope that you are having a Merry Christmas wherever you are, celebrating with people you love.
1. God, out of love, humbled himself to take human form and live with us. Immanuel: God With Us.
2. Lights and candles everywhere
3. Family and friends getting together
4. Christmas Music
5. The smell (and taste) of pumpkin pie
6. Eggnog Latte
7. The Charlie Brown Christmas Special
8. The movie, A Christmas Story - not to be confused with A Christmas Carol. If you’ve seen it, you know what I mean. I hope you have seen it.
I know it should be 5 or 10 to be an ideal number, but this is everything I wanted to include and there is nothing else that I really want to add.
This year is a rather low-key but nice Christmas. We are going up to spend the day with Grandpa like we did on Thanksgiving. The dinner will be much simpler, though. Here is the menu: Ham, scalloped potatoes, salad, baby brusselsprouts, Pillsbury crescent rolls, and pumpkin pie. I know, I know, but we actually like brusselsprouts.
I’m not going to the midnight service at my parent’s church, though. (No, I don’t go to the same church as my parents. I have attended occasional holiday services with them at their church, though.) I closed at Lane Bryant twice this week and things have been busy. I just don’t have the energy to do it. I went last year and enjoyed it, even though it is terribly long. My church has an earlier service, at 7:00 and I’ll go there and spend the rest of the evening relaxing quietly alone with beautiful Christmas music and candles. If I can’t get my parents to watch the Charlie Brown special with me this afternoon, then I’ll watch it before I start the music.
There was debate about when to open our presents this year. Because we want to get on the road quickly so that the ham can get in the oven in time for an early dinner we thought tonight might be a good time. I want to sleep a little later and keep the morning simple. We ended up deciding to wait until tomorrow night after we have returned from Grandpa’s. That sounded best. We won’t be overtired and we can just have some quiet, relaxed time opening a few gifts after everything is over. There are very few presents, actually. I couldn’t even afford to buy any this year. I’m giving cards- and they still aren’t in the mail. I know, I’m bad. But a couple times when I was in Korea there were no presents from anyone, and it didn’t really matter. I don’t care much about that, except it is fun when you can take the time to plan special gifts and see people open them up. It is also great fun to be surprised with something wonderful that you never thought of.
I hope that you are having a Merry Christmas wherever you are, celebrating with people you love.
December 19, 2004
Progress Continues
Today was the pageant and it was so much fun. Everyone, especially the kids, did a great job. We in the "ladies’ aid" had a blast and got good laughs, too. One woman came up to me and said that we reminded her of a group of women in the church that she grew up in. One of ladies that played the part actually acts sort of like that in real life, except for the gossipy and slightly mean spirited part. She is just kind of a den mother sort of boss type, organizing and keeping everyone in line.
The Christmas cards are well under way. I’ve finished all the stamping and printed out the insert that I’ll glue in and use to write on. I put a verse on it. "Arise, shine for your light has come and the glory of the Lord rises upon you." (Isaiah 60:1) I chose a verse about light because the picture on the front of the card has 3 candles. Jesus also called himself "The Light of the World." I have decorative scissors that make a nice scalloped edge to the paper. I’m cutting out all the inserts with those scissors and I’m really happy with how it’s turning out. Now I just have to finish assembly, write on the cards, and address them. Ooh, there is plenty of work left.
I’m starting to get a cold, so I’m taking some Zinc stuff to help it go away fast and hopefully not turn into a full blown head and chest cold. I can’t afford that right now. There are too many important things happening right now and I need all the strength and energy I have. I told my head manager at Lane Bryant about my new jobs and that I didn’t want to be scheduled for any hours after December 26th. She was totally fine with that and very excited and supportive of my new opportunities. The people at the store have been really great to work with. Even though it has been stressful learning the retail job, I’m glad that I did it and it provided exactly what I needed right now. I’ll have even more fun whenever I shop there in the future.
A friend told me about one of the communities at MSN groups. It is called Christian Singles. It is not focused on dating and they actually don’t allow you to post "personal ad" messages. It is a place for fellowship, encouragement and friendship. Of course, some people meet and end up dating. But that is not the main focus. I really like it. I introduced myself and have been warmly welcomed. In fact, we are beginning to plan a meeting of members who live in the Pacific Northwest. The place and time is still to be determined, sometime in 2005 of course. I haven't joined eHarmony again and am less certain that I will. I have some matches still on hold while I figure out what I should do. It will probably a month before I can afford it, anyway. Even so, I find my interest and desire to go back to that form of matchmaking is lessening. It is pretty pressurized. I tried it for a year already. I think I may finally be finished with it.
The Christmas cards are well under way. I’ve finished all the stamping and printed out the insert that I’ll glue in and use to write on. I put a verse on it. "Arise, shine for your light has come and the glory of the Lord rises upon you." (Isaiah 60:1) I chose a verse about light because the picture on the front of the card has 3 candles. Jesus also called himself "The Light of the World." I have decorative scissors that make a nice scalloped edge to the paper. I’m cutting out all the inserts with those scissors and I’m really happy with how it’s turning out. Now I just have to finish assembly, write on the cards, and address them. Ooh, there is plenty of work left.
I’m starting to get a cold, so I’m taking some Zinc stuff to help it go away fast and hopefully not turn into a full blown head and chest cold. I can’t afford that right now. There are too many important things happening right now and I need all the strength and energy I have. I told my head manager at Lane Bryant about my new jobs and that I didn’t want to be scheduled for any hours after December 26th. She was totally fine with that and very excited and supportive of my new opportunities. The people at the store have been really great to work with. Even though it has been stressful learning the retail job, I’m glad that I did it and it provided exactly what I needed right now. I’ll have even more fun whenever I shop there in the future.
A friend told me about one of the communities at MSN groups. It is called Christian Singles. It is not focused on dating and they actually don’t allow you to post "personal ad" messages. It is a place for fellowship, encouragement and friendship. Of course, some people meet and end up dating. But that is not the main focus. I really like it. I introduced myself and have been warmly welcomed. In fact, we are beginning to plan a meeting of members who live in the Pacific Northwest. The place and time is still to be determined, sometime in 2005 of course. I haven't joined eHarmony again and am less certain that I will. I have some matches still on hold while I figure out what I should do. It will probably a month before I can afford it, anyway. Even so, I find my interest and desire to go back to that form of matchmaking is lessening. It is pretty pressurized. I tried it for a year already. I think I may finally be finished with it.
December 11, 2004
Preparations
It’s been longer than usual between entries. Things have been pretty busy. We had an orientation/training meeting for new teachers at the community college. It was all about paperwork, record keeping, testing and registration of new students. Since these are off-site classes, most of the students won’t/can’t come to the main campus to register. There is also a continuous enrollment policy which allows students to enter the class anytime in the first 8 weeks. So the off-site instructors are responsible for intake testing and registration for all the new students who arrive at our site. I can have a teaching assistant to take care of that. Right now, there is not one available. I am free to recommend anyone (not a relative) whom I think would be a good candidate and give them my supervisor’s phone number. It was a 5 hour meeting and there was so much information and everything that my head was literally spinning when it was all over. I had also worked a 5 hour shift at the store that day and gone directly to campus for the meeting.
This morning I am resting and catching my breath. I’ve had some fun, too. I spent Tuesday afternoon window shopping and having coffee with an old friend from college. It was great. She doesn’t live very close, so I don’t see her often. She also has an unusual work schedule and it is hard to talk to her on the phone. She came out to Korea for her vacation during the summer of 2003 just a couple of months before I returned to the United States. It was so much fun to show her around. She has been to Europe several times, but that was her first time in Asia. I took her to all my favorite places- the green tea plantation at Boseung, Sosoewon garden. Then in Seoul we went to Gyungbok Palace and Insadong (a kind of traditionl art district with galleries, antique shops, tea houses, etc.) We also went to Pusan and explored for a weekend. It is the second largest city in Korea and is right on the coast on the far south of the peninsula. We went to a spa and to the beach.
The last three weeks there have also been rehearsals for The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, which my church is doing for our pageant during the service time next Sunday. This is the last week of rehearsals and it has been so fun. I'm playing one of the "Ladies' Aide Society" women in the church who gossips and is generally condescending and annoying. The story is a play within a play. The main character is trying to direct a Christmas pageant with a group of neglected kids who act like juvenile delinquents and scare all the other children from volunteering to play the parts in the pageant. It is a wonderful book and was made into a TV movie sometime in the 80's. At the end, it is really sweet and moving for all the silliness and laughs before the children start performing the "pageant".
I took some money from my paycheck and bought the paper and envelopes for my Christmas cards this year. I like to rubber stamp, so sometimes I make all my Christmas cards by hands. I’m keeping them simple. But the dye ink is taking forever to dry on the card stock which is incredibly non-absorbent. I printed the front of about 18 cards yesterday and there are still some spots that are not dry enough to fold and stack because they will smudge.
This morning I am resting and catching my breath. I’ve had some fun, too. I spent Tuesday afternoon window shopping and having coffee with an old friend from college. It was great. She doesn’t live very close, so I don’t see her often. She also has an unusual work schedule and it is hard to talk to her on the phone. She came out to Korea for her vacation during the summer of 2003 just a couple of months before I returned to the United States. It was so much fun to show her around. She has been to Europe several times, but that was her first time in Asia. I took her to all my favorite places- the green tea plantation at Boseung, Sosoewon garden. Then in Seoul we went to Gyungbok Palace and Insadong (a kind of traditionl art district with galleries, antique shops, tea houses, etc.) We also went to Pusan and explored for a weekend. It is the second largest city in Korea and is right on the coast on the far south of the peninsula. We went to a spa and to the beach.
The last three weeks there have also been rehearsals for The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, which my church is doing for our pageant during the service time next Sunday. This is the last week of rehearsals and it has been so fun. I'm playing one of the "Ladies' Aide Society" women in the church who gossips and is generally condescending and annoying. The story is a play within a play. The main character is trying to direct a Christmas pageant with a group of neglected kids who act like juvenile delinquents and scare all the other children from volunteering to play the parts in the pageant. It is a wonderful book and was made into a TV movie sometime in the 80's. At the end, it is really sweet and moving for all the silliness and laughs before the children start performing the "pageant".
I took some money from my paycheck and bought the paper and envelopes for my Christmas cards this year. I like to rubber stamp, so sometimes I make all my Christmas cards by hands. I’m keeping them simple. But the dye ink is taking forever to dry on the card stock which is incredibly non-absorbent. I printed the front of about 18 cards yesterday and there are still some spots that are not dry enough to fold and stack because they will smudge.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
