My Journal

Reformat Successful

2006-10-13T18:48:00.000-07:00

Made it though another week, almost. At least on Saturday I don't have to leave as early because there is almost no traffic. Saturdays are also usually a little bit slower, but since attendance is a big problem at the call center (and probably most call-centers) the calls are pretty much non-stop. Still, Saturdays are slower and feels calmer. Tonight instead of watching TV I'm writing. The computer reformat went fine and my computer is running well. He guided me through doing it and it was pretty smooth. So far I have only reinstalled MS Office, McAfee and several free spyware programs, the bare minimum. Haven't needed to use some of my other applications or been desperate to play Hoyle card games or the Movies game, a studio simulation that is a lot of fun, slightly addicting.

North Korea nuclear tests are really frightening. I still have a friend that lives in Seoul. Occasionally since I returned and it has been such a disaster finding a stable job and floundering to find a career direction, I have wished I had stayed or wanted to return to Korea. Now I'm glad that I haven't.

Quick Update

2006-10-08T14:29:00.000-07:00

Having some computer problems, so my drive is getting reformatted and I'll have to reinstall everything. My brother-in-law, a talented computer tech, will do the reformatting for me. He just started a new job as a network administrator so we are having a family celebration dinner tonight for him. They have moved to Bellevue now to be close to their jobs. The business cards that I ordered for networking arrived yesterday. VistaPrint did a great job and I got to personalize them with the same red tulip photo that I am using now on this blog for my profile. That was taken this April when I went up to Mt Vernon for the tulip festival. I got lots of wonderful pictures at Roozengaarde, a tulip farm. Just making this quick because the computer will be down for a while. Things are very busy. Going to go in to work tomorrow, my usual day off, and to put in some overtime. They are asking all of us to do some and I can use a little extra money. Holiday season is approaching. I had a pumpkin pie latte and a pumpkin muffin this morning for breakfast at a favorite local coffee shop. Those are some seasonal favorites.

New Beginning

2006-10-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

Starting again after not writing for a long time. As you can see, my attempt to revive it earlier this year did not last. I have been on the phones as a customer service representative for about 8 months now. Long enough to be worn down by whiny, belligerent customers and struggling to take calls faster. The company’s goal is 300-450 seconds (5 – 7.5 min) per call. I’m at around 800 on a good day. Today I also begin a really determined job/career search. I have been checking in with CareerBuilder and SouthSoundJobs all along, but not focusing on developing new ideas, networking and setting specific goals. Work is not getting any better and I am nearing the breaking point. I need fresh ideas for work and career inspirations. Perhaps what I really need is a husband with a good income and then I can just tutor part time or volunteer in some community programs and not worry about having to support myself independently. Well, I'm not holding my breath on that one.

I have a new favorite TV show, Heroes. The first two episodes are amazing and promise great things to come. I was so surprised by the ending of this week’s episode. There are a lot of questions and a lot of things to discover. I hope the show delivers.

Picking up My Journal Again

2006-03-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

It has been many months since I have written or even visited this page. So much has happened since then. I finished the computer and career development classes in October. My sister arrived just before Thanksgiving. This is the first holiday season that we have all been together in 5 years. Now that my sister and brother-in-law are now completely relocated, we can look forward to more. This season we all lived together in the same house through the whole holiday season. That will certainly not happen again in a very long time, perhaps never. It went smoothly for the most part and it is so good to be together as a family. I continued serious job searching throughout the holiday season. In January I started a full time job at a customer service call center. There were 5 weeks of training and now I have completed 3 weeks on the phones after training. It has been a challenge. I’m still learning a lot, but am starting to feel more comfortable. I need to get a bit faster and multitask better. My sister, brother-in-law and my mother have all gotten full time jobs as well. Now everyone is so busy. Today is my day off. I work Tuesday through Saturday. I am going to church and then straight to the Seattle Opera to see Cosi Fan Tutti. Mom and I have season tickets. I just renewed for next year last week. It will be a very exciting season- La Boheme, Der Rosencavalier, and Don Giovanni are the main attractions. This is just a short update because I have been starting to miss writing and having a little homestead of my own in cyberspace. I don’t honestly know how often I will keep up with updates. I’m still experiencing time management issues with my full-time schedule. Taking it one day at a time…

To Do Lists Rule My Life

2005-10-04T22:27:00.000-07:00

To Do:

* Finish and send e-mails to long neglected friends

* Plan Sunday school Music: 12-20 core songs

* Work on Educational Counselor application for a local community college

* Make networking phone calls

* Homework:
      Master Application – due October 10
      News Article – due October 11

* Order new checks from bank

* Deposit unemployment check

* Order business cards (or decide to make them) (http://www.vistaprint.com/)

* Practice a few songs on guitar for our graduation celebration

Early morning, I hit the ground running and drink my cup of dark, rich liquid energy. I am learning new things and making friends in class, which is enjoyable and exciting. I will miss them when it is all over. Right now I miss having time to ponder and write; at least tonight I don’t have a meeting to go to or too many chores to do. I am up in my room listening to the History channel and typing by candle light.

Another seasonal change that I didn’t mention last week, there is a new television series. I watched part of  the first episode of HBO’s Rome and was impressed with the cast and quality production values. Unfortunately, the violence and sex are a bit much for me, so I won’t be watching it. Given the historical and cultural source, I should not be surprised at all. I have seen one other new TV show pilot and also the first two episodes of the new season of West Wing, an old favorite. The new show that I saw is Surface. It seems fun and intriguing; in fact I am staying up late tonight just so I can watch an episode that I missed that is being re-aired on the Sci-fi channel. Serendipity, the new Joss Whedon movie, was released last weekend. I saw the trailer early this summer and it looked great. I wanted to see it on Saturday, but was short of time and ambition. I watched Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence on DVD with my brother-in-law instead. The animation in that movie is incredible in detail and color. I have a hard time deciding whether I like the original or the sequel in this series. My brother-in-law likes the story in the second one, but finds the first one more watchable and enjoyable overall.

I am trying to stay healthy, since many people in class and in my family are fighting cold and flu bugs.

A Change of Season

2005-09-24T18:03:00.000-07:00

Fall is here, announcing itself in the crisp evening air. BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) and Sunday school started two weeks ago. I’ve been in school now for three weeks. It has been years since I’ve helped with Sunday school, but now I’m co-teaching 1st and 2nd grade and leading the songs. I’ve always liked fall. By the end of the summer I was ready to get back to class. In college it was especially exciting because everyone had gone different places and done different things over the summer; there were lots of stories to catch up on. Starting new classes was always intriguing, too. I went to the bookstore and found all my books, then brought them home to browse and preview. The table of contents, chapter headings, charts, and pictures formed a landscape map of an unfamiliar, undiscovered country.

I can’t believe that Rita is hitting the same area as Katrina. It is very hard to understand all the suffering and destruction. We are telling the story of Noah and the Ark tomorrow to the children. Some people are saying that this is God’s fault or that he is causing this to punish people for bad behavior. If that was the case, the punishment would not be limited to one area. The whole earth would be destroyed because there are all kinds of people doing all kinds of evil everywhere. No person is completely innocent. God does allow things to happen, though. Perhaps this is a sign of global warming and the damage we have done to the environment. Who can say the reason why? Right now I don’t think it matters; people are in desperate need. Being unemployed, I haven’t been able to donate money. I have been considering what I can do. I can donate blood. I can give clothes. I can knit hats and scarves. I can give my time to an organization that is helping. I haven’t taken any action yet, but I will. I must.

We have a homework assignment over this weekend to list and analyze the “good experiences” we have had in our lives, from as early as we can remember. Anything we have done that did well, invested ourselves in, and were proud of the results. That has been an interesting and encouraging exercise. I was surprised as I looked over the list. I have never thought of myself as a particularly brave or risk-taking person. My Dad taught me to think carefully and be cautious, and I generally follow that example. I also have anxieties and fears in certain situations, as everyone does. As I looked over the list, I was surprised to see that I have done many things that were risky. Most of them were small risks, but they are not insignificant because they prepared me for larger ones. I never imagined as an insecure teenager that I would ever live or travel in a foreign country. I secretly dreamed of being an exchange student, but was too scared to even apply. But in college, I finally had enough confidence to apply for a summer volunteer program in Mexico. That whet my appetite and gave me my first experience teaching English, leading me to go to Korea almost immediately after graduation. Of course, being my father’s daughter, I researched the job market and working conditions for English teachers overseas before I decided what countries to focus on. Later when I finished my graduate degree, I took a risk in working with a friend of mine on a start-up educational organization. I worked in a low-paying human services job while I spent free time working on a pilot program. We ended up getting a grant and we did a bigger project and got paid some money for it. I still had to work the other job. In the end we didn’t get any further funding and it fizzled out. Needing a better job, I went back to Korea for my second “tour”. I still felt successful because I was willing to take a risk and we did a good job on our projects. New and challenging things don’t always work out the way you want, but I landed on my feet. It was an exciting learning experience because I developed the whole curriculum from scratch.

I also remembered many physical activities that I really enjoyed and did well. Roller-skating, ice-skating, and bike riding, even dancing. I was not born to be a couch potato. I have the coordination and ability to enjoy healthy physical activity. I just stopped valuing it and developed an attitude. No, I have not been exercising for probably a couple of months. I want to start again, but I don’t quite want it enough yet. Mom has not been exercising, either. She is feeling it. I don’t feel it now, but I know I will eventually.

Pretty Fingers...

2005-09-17T21:29:00.000-07:00

typing on the keyboard. Buffed, shiny nails and moisturized cuticles. Yes, I gave myself a manicure with a new buffing system (a rectangular buffing block, cuticle oil, scented hand lotion, and a nail file) that I got on special at the mall. It was probably not as amazing a deal as the saleswoman told me, but I’m pleased nonetheless. I can see my reflection in the super-gloss shine. It’s all a part of dressing for success, right? I also got a set for Mom as a birthday gift. I think she’ll really like it. She has the best nails in the family because they are strong and grow very nicely. People ask her if they are real or acrylic. She doesn’t have the patience to paint them regularly and doesn’t like the fact that polish chips after several days. This is an easy to maintain and impossible to ruin option. No waiting for polish to dry or getting sheet imprints if all the layers of varnish (base coat, color, and protective top coat) haven’t dried well enough before you go to sleep. I also won’t be saying any of these phrases, “Can you pick that up for me, I just did my nails?” or, “Arghh, I just ruined my nail!”

I haven’t had the patience for all that for the last couple of years, so I haven’t done anything with them for a while. I have in the past spent lots of time and money on polish to do my own manicures. Other times I have been a regular manicure patron. My favorite manicurist ever was a man at a salon in Korea who gave the best hand massages. One special memory is when my sister and I gave each other pedicures on the night before her wedding. What color did we use? OPI’s “I’m Not Really A Waitress”, a really vivid red with a bit of shimmer. Light bulb flash! I need to get a job writing names for OPI’s colors! I think I just solved my career dilemma! They have the most fun naming their colors. I wonder if they really do have that as a full-time job. Maybe it is just one project that their copywriters do. I would still sign up.

I thought that I would never get the list of things done that I had to do today. I’ve made big progress on everything, though. Several things needed to be gathered and prepared for Sunday school in the morning. Yes, I’m volunteering this year. I haven’t done Sunday school for a long time, but the week of Vacation Bible School was a lot of fun. I have a teaching partner, which is good because I don’t want to do it alone. It is less work and more fun to have another adult in the room. It is also required for safety reasons.

Yesterday I went to the job fair at the local mall, which was announced in my class last week. I thought it would be a good opportunity to practice interviewing and networking. I spent the morning printing out copies of resumes, reference contacts, and even some writing samples. It’s best to be prepared because you never know what businesses and schools might be there. It was a bustling event, with a whopping 4 companies participating. There was an insurance company, a toy store, a direct sales (at home parties) company, and one more that I forgot because it was so completely uninteresting. The best part of the 10 minutes that I lingered there was getting a free hand massage with mango lotion at the direct sales table. They sell home spa and skin care products. That mango lotion was luscious, reminding me of the mango body butter that I had several years ago from the Body Shoppe. I got a catalogue so that when I have a job and money I can place orders when I want to. It was a very fruitful afternoon.

Assessments, and More Assessments

2005-09-14T18:28:00.000-07:00

It’s almost the end of the second week of class. Today we took skill tests and completed a comprehensive career assessment CAPS, COPES, and COPS. My primary work values are orderliness, social and aesthetic. My primary interest areas are communication, service professional and artistic skilled. Pretty obvious, looking at those, why I became a teacher; it was never a problem of not liking the job. Perhaps I just need to adjust the place where I think I fit. Academic advising is something I’ve been looking at. It might be fun to teach a class like the one I’m taking now. Writing and editing are also a good fit with my interests, values and skills. This assessment confirmed what I was thinking and helps me to feel more confident that I’m headed in the right direction. I’m still tired. Last night I fell asleep at 10:15 PM, which is early for me. One thing that has been tough for me in this class is that we have been doing all of these group dynamics exercises. Some of them have been really challenging and gotten fairly chaotic and intense. I considered myself strong in cooperation and teamwork, but this has shown me that there are still weaknesses and things I can improve. Being humbled is a good thing, but not necessarily fun. Between that and the skill tests, this week has been mentally and emotionally tiring.

First Week of Class (as a student again)

2005-09-10T22:20:00.000-07:00

It was a busy and eventful week. I learned about my personality color, group dynamics and teambuilding. Very warm, fuzzy stuff, but sort of fun. I look at this like a support group, and that’s partly what it is. I will also learn more computer skills with Office, which should prove useful. It is kind of strange for me to be a student in this class, since I was recently teaching adults myself. The other students are interesting and I’m making some new friends. My homework is to take a couple of career interest assessments. I took one today and was having a little trouble over-analyzing my answers. They ask basically the same few questions 20 different ways with just slightly different wording. “Well, I thought I meant it when I chose the answer last time.” The biggest tensions were between practical or aesthetic and leadership/setting my own course or following others. I like to have it both ways. I want to include both aesthetic and practical values in my work, hopefully an equal amount of each. I don’t want to have to order people about and be the only leader, but I want room to control my own work and be involved in decisions. It is very clear that I want to work with people and like enjoy working in a collaborative, somewhat relaxed environment. I have known that all along. Those have been my best work experiences. We’ll see if the results come back weird. It has been a good, busy weekend. I went to the Western Washington State Fair, which opened yesterday. Highlights were the draft horse exhibition and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I resisted the urge to buy things from the commercial vendors. There was some pretty silver jewelry, but I was strong. I learned about a rare breed of sheep, the only spotted one, as I walked through the barns. They are called Jacob Sheep, after the Biblical patriarch who watched Laban's flocks and bred his own herd of spotted sheep. See the website at Bide a Wee Farm.

Sunday Afternoon Matinee

2005-09-04T19:37:00.000-07:00

I saw The Constant Gardener this afternoon with my father and brother-in-law. Based on the John Le Carre novel, it definitely has a political message and agenda. That said, the message never overtook the story in the way that sometimes happens, turning a well-intentioned film into a preachy bore. Equal parts nail-biting thriller and unconventional love story, I found myself mesmerized. The cast is wonderful! Well, I have admired Ralph Feinnes since Schindler's List, so I'm not objective about him. Rachel Weisz was fantastic in a brave and dynamic role. There were excellent veteran character actors in supporting roles, and I'd list some names, but they are more recognizable by face. Go to the IMDB if you really must know who they are.

I also finally checked out Technorati to find out what it was. I wish I had gone there earlier. It's a great way to search through the blogosphere for the latest posts on whatever topics you are interested in. You can also put tags on your entries and have your entries searchable in their topical database.

Technorati tags: Movies, cinema

The Week is Finally Over

2005-09-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wanted to stay home and breathe a little easier. I ended up getting a call in the morning and going to an unexpected meeting. At the mandatory orientation I went to on Tuesday, I found out about a training program that I could attend for free and get lots of support in my career transition (aptitude tests, personality tests, career exploration). I can even learn some new computer skills (PowerPoint and Excel). I know a bit about Excel, but I have just scratched the surface. I will get more help with my resume as well as interview and job search skills. I could probably do OK without it, but I find the support encouraging and helpful. I hope to discover some new career ideas, or at least confirm that I am going in the right direction. It is a seven week program with classes all day (8:30 AM -5:00 PM) from Monday through Thursday. Yesterday I had to go to the site to register. It isn’t far from my house, so that is very convenient. I took the bus, which means I walked a lot yesterday. Can I count that as a workout?

Today I stayed home all day. Mom and Dad went away for the long weekend, so I have the whole house to myself. I enjoy the peace and quiet of a day alone. I have puttered around, getting some housework and organizing done- all at my own pace. This morning I watched CNN for a long time, which allowed me to witness the arrival of the first caravan of food, water and supplies arrive at the Superdome. That is the first hopeful thing I’ve seen in days. I don’t even have words for the things I’ve heard and read. The Interdictor is blogging a chronicle of the chaos as he is fighting to survive and help others do the same in New Orleans.

Tonight my brother-in-law and I may go out to eat and see a movie (The Constant Gardener). It depends on how tired he is after work. They have been offering extra hours and he has been working very hard. If we stay home I’ll grill hamburgers. We have pepper jack slices and barbeque sauce.

Running on the Treadmill

2005-08-31T23:36:00.000-07:00

That is what I feel like I'm doing now as I try to relax at the end of a long, tiring week. But it's only Wednesday night, almost Thursday morning. Ahhh! Not sure if I've really accomplished all that much either. The wrenching stories of Katrina's destruction and the plight of the people who were in her path are so tragic. I'll never forget the short spot that I saw of a news reporter trying to interview one of the refugees who was wandering around. He recounted how his family was on top of the roof and their house had split in half. He had tried to hold on to his wife, who had fallen into the water. He couldn't. She told him to take care of their children and grandchildren just before she was lost in the flood waters. He had no idea if she had managed to survive or where she might be. If I had a job, I would donate money. What can I do but pray? I haven't done that, either, because I've been maddly working on getting that application in for the copywriting job and finishing the writing sample to go with it. I faxed it tonight shortly before 10:00 PM. I had a mandatory class all morning at WorkSource. This afternoon I edited it and proofread it over and over, but I found a questionable capitalization and a missing comma after I was scanning the copy that I faxed. Hopefully they won't notice. I made the corrections to the file on the computer. At least I'll be ready with a good sample for the next copywriting job that I find. I also did some editing of yesterday's post because the sentences were choppy and I found some errors. I tried to rush it yesterday because I was excited and wanted to get it posted. I was also more focused on getting all of the links in. My mind has been racing like this all day and doesn't seem to be slowing down. I was in such a zone last night that I totally forgot that I was supposed to go to worship team practice. I am scheduled to sing this Sunday. It would be easier if I had to go to the practice every week, but when it's every-other week (or depending on whatever Sundays you are scheduled for) I don't get into a routine. I'm in my room with the light low and the radio turned to one of my favorite stations, Classical King FM, 98.1, hoping that I'll start to relax. I haven't had more caffeine than usual, but it almost feels like it.

Tacoma, a City Reborn

2005-08-30T18:33:00.000-07:00

Last night my aunt was in town and stayed with us. She came to Washington for a few days to see Grandpa and then drove over here to spend the night with us before flying back to Colorado. We went out for a drive and some sightseeing in Tacoma, which used to be a dying industrial pit with a decaying downtown. Other than the crime rate, the city was know for the “Tacoma Aroma” because of the noxious spewings from a paper mill that is now closed. There has been a great effort to revitalize the city. In 1990 the University of Washington opened a satellite campus near downtown and has restored many old buildings. Union Station, a brick building in Beaux Arts style that served as the train depot, has been rescued from demolition and made into the courthouse. Next to Union Station, a new brick building was built to house the Washington State History Museum. On the other side is the very modern styled Tacoma Art Museum. Dale Chihuly, an internationally famous local glass artist, is the driving force behind the The Museum of Glass, which includes a glass blowing workshop and school. They are renovating housing and building new apartment buildings downtown so that people can move into the area, making it more active and encouraging business. It hasn’t all been smooth. Tacoma Actors Guild, the only professional theater in the region, outside of Seattle, had great financial difficulties last year and closed down temporarily. With fundraising and the partnership of Bellevue Civic Theatre, they opened their doors again to finish the season. They will open the 2005-2006 season in September with Noises Off. The transformation of the city’s atmosphere is dramatic! Now I would enjoy living downtown or in North Tacoma. There are still bad areas, like Hilltop. That has been an infamously crime ridden area for many years. There is one area of Tacoma that has really nice old homes. Some of them need work and others have been well-maintained or lovingly restored. There are several old apartment buildings with names like “The Whitman” and brick or stone exteriors. The architecture ranges from Victorian to Neo Classical, Colonial Revival and Tudor Revival. We drove around looking at them. It reminds me of Browns Edition in Spokane, where my mother grew up. Her family inherited an uncle’s Victorian house with all the furniture. In fact, I sleep on an antique brass bed that came from that house. Anyway, all of those houses have so much character and distinction. None of them is alike. Just the opposite of boring suburban houses and apartment complexes. We had dinner at a tavern, The Harmon, in the university district. It brews its own tasty ales and has great food. Monday happens to be $3.00 steak night. We didn’t realize that until we had already ordered our meals, though. Dad had fish and chips and everyone else ordered one of their specialty burgers. Mine had blue cheese and mushrooms. We all had a great time on our little tour. My aunt had never been to Tacoma before.

It has been a busy couple of days. I had an appointment this morning at WorkSource. This afternoon has been busy updating and revising some more. Since I am looking to start in a new field, I have to work hard at effectively marketing my transferable skills. I found an opening for a copywriter, but they want a portfolio sample along with the resume. I guess I’ll just have to start a portfolio. Perhaps a short article about one of the development projects in Tacoma!

Still haven’t gotten back to exercising. It’s been quite a while, now.

Auld Lang Syne

2005-08-28T23:48:00.000-07:00

Friends have played a very important role in my life because they have often acted as a family. For single people especially, friends are form of family. But over the tough times of this transition, I have sometimes gone into a shell when I felt depressed and frustrated. That made it hard to reach out and communicate with anyone. I have several friends living very far away, as in out of the country. I kept in contact for a while, but it has been so long since I’ve sent them an e-mail. I feel bad, which makes me less likely to start writing to them. A vicious cycle begins. I miss them. I am sorry about neglecting them. Of course they are free to write me at any time and haven’t done so. It is somewhat mutual, the neglect. I have lost track of who technically owes the next e-mail. Does it matter? Philosophically I understand that people go in and out of each other’s lives and very few friendships can last a lifetime. But the cost of that reality is sometimes painful. I find myself developing new friendships and enlarging my community. That is good and exciting. Then I find myself thinking that I could or should be spending that time or energy reaching out to dear people from the past. Of course, it doesn’t have to be either or. There isn't a black and white choice here. I can embrace new friends and do my best to keep in touch with and honor old friendships. That is naturally what people do. “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other’s gold” as the old lyrics say. Why am I feeling so nostalgic and guilty recently? I need to just write to them, regardless of my guilt or angst. I made a list of them a couple of weeks ago. There are about eight people on that list that I haven't brought myself to write to yet. That is about 2/3 of the total list. Not all of them are overseas.

Master List

2005-08-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

All the jobs and significant volunteer activities that I’ve ever done in my life:

Babysitting
High School Concert Choir (1984-1987)
Sunday School Teacher- Pre-school (1985-1987)
Chorus Member in the High School Musical (Fall 1996)
University Concert Choir- (1987-1989)
Receptionist (Summer 1987)
Dishwasher (Fall Quarter 1987)
Day-Camp Counselor (Summer 1988 and Summer 1989)
Market Research (Summer 1990)
English Teacher and Church Ministry Volunteer in Mexico (Summer 1991)
Pro-Life Book Table Volunteer (1987-1988)
Pro-Life Book Table Coordinator (1988-1989)
Elderly Ministry Volunteer (1990-1991)
Elderly Ministry Coordinator (1991-1992)
Writing Tutor (Winter 1993)
ESL Teaching Assistant (Winter 1993)
Jewelry Sales Associate at a mall kiosk (February 1993)
ESL Teacher (April 1993 - April 1994)
ESL Teacher (June 1994 – May 1996)
Co-leader: Pioneer Girls, 5th and 6th Grade Group (1994 – 1996)
Worship Team (1994 - 1996)
Teaching Assistant (Fall 1996)
ESL Instructor (June 1997 – December 1998)
Editor for a student’s Master’s Thesis (1998)
ESL Coordinator and Instructor for a vocational program (February 1999 – August 2000)
Human Service’s Relief Staff (February 1999 – February 2000)
Personal Care Assistant/Home Health Care (February 2000 – June 2001)
English Instructor (August 2001 – August 2003)
Church Choir Member (August 2001 – January 2003)
Church Choir Leader (February 2003 – August 2003)
Bible Study Leader (February 2003 – August 2003)
Tutor/Substitute ESL Instructor (November 2003 – March 2004)
Scorer for standardized writing tests (March 2004 – July 2004)
Seasonal Sales Associate for a clothing store (November 2004 – December 2004)
English Instructor (January 2005 – March 2005)
English Instructor (January 2005 – June 2005)
Worship Team (June 2003 – Present)

More Recipes

2005-08-24T17:10:00.000-07:00

I’ve been researching some recipes on the Internet after Mom and I watched Tyler cook one of my favorite Mexican dishes. Since we had Masala last night, I was also reminded of another Indian favorite, saag. Saag means spinach and there is a lovely Indian spinach sauce that goes well with lamb or chicken. I have also had similar spinach sauce with chunks of potato as a vegetarian dish. Here are the recipes that I found and where I found them.

* From Food Network

Chiles Rellenos with Picadillo
Show: Food 911
Much too much work for me to have patience for, so I'll not be trying this one. They looked delicious though. It was interesting to learn how they made one of my favorite Mexican dishes. Most restaurants around here don't do them very well, but there is one I found. I would decrease the amount of chipotles in the picadillo filling. The ranchero sauce sounds simple enough and versatile; it can be used for Huevos Rancheros or burritos or whatever you like. I plan on trying it.

Huevos Rancheros
Show: Emeril Live

Chilaquiles con Pollo: Tortilla Casserole with Chicken Breast
Chef: Priscilla Satcoff
There were several recipes on the site for this delicious Mexican brunch favorite. This one had fewer specialized (read: probably hard to find) Mexican cheeses.

Green Chicken Chilaquiles Casserole
Written by: M.S. Milliken & S. Feniger
This one has more ingredients but also gets rave reviews and is easy to prepare.

Lamb with Spinach Sauce (Saag Gosht)
Show: Chef Du Jour

Spinach with Tomato (Saag)
Recipe courtesy of Madhur Jaffrey, World Vegetarian, Clarkson Potter, 1999

* From YumYum.com

California Style Huevos Rancheros

Huevos Rancheros #2

Visiting

2005-08-24T00:51:00.000-07:00

On Monday Mom, my brother-in-law, and I went to visit my grandfather. Between driving, running a few errands for him, and visiting, it took most of the day. He was in good spirits and the visit was pleasant. His health has been pretty stable for almost a year since he had a really bad crisis that lasted for 6 months, so we are very glad. I haven’t always had a good relationship or good attitude about him. He has said and done hurtful things over the years. But he has mellowed and I have learned to forgive and let go. In the last two years since I’ve seen him I see things that I didn’t see in him before. He showed amazing fortitude and resilience during his recurring bouts of illness last year. I personally didn’t think he could fight through it. He did and kept a positive attitude throughout. I gained a new respect for him. Yesterday was the second time he has seen my brother-in-law. Grandpa is impressed with him. He told me so a couple of weeks ago when Dad and I went up for a Saturday special event- the annual Luau. We are glad because He has very strong opinions, so if he takes a dislike to someone, then he isn’t likely to change his view.

On the way home we stopped at Trader Joe’s, a specialty grocery shop that also has great prices. I guess since they are a regional chain they can buy in bulk. They carry a lot of unique gourmet and healthy (organic, whole foods) items. What a fun place to shop! We don’t go there a lot because there isn’t one very close. I bought some ginger snaps, a couple bottles of cheap wine, and some ready-to-eat sushi (which I ate in the car for a late lunch). Mom got a couple of jars of simmer sauces to cook with chicken (masala and Thai green curry), some nan (Indian flat bread) and other things that I’ve forgotten. We ate the masala sauce and the nan tonight for dinner. Delicious.

Tuesday I applied for another job as a student advisor for an online university. I also started my “Master Application”. This is basically a reference document for me to catalog information about all of the jobs (volunteer or paid) that I’ve had in my lifetime. It is a good exercise for me to remember all of the things I’ve done and then reflect back on the specific skills, knowledge, and tools that I’ve used. When I finish, I’ll post a list of all the jobs I’ve ever had.

Tuesday night I watched Miami Ink, one of my favorite new shows. I don’t have any tattoos, but I like to see other people’s tattoos and the stories behind the designs they choose are interesting. I also like the artists’ personalities on the show. It seems like they have a lot of fun and really love the art of what they do. The work they do is beautiful. There was only one time I was ever tempted to get a tattoo. I knew exactly what design I wanted. I have a ring with the Chinese character for love. It is a very sentimental piece of jewelry and I wear it a lot. One day I lost it. I had become so accustomed to wearing it and felt so personally attached to the symbol. The specific character was chosen because it matches the meaning of my name. (Cheryl=beloved, dear one) I thought that if I tattooed the symbol on myself that I would never lose it. The idea comforted me. Later that day, I found the ring. All thought of getting the tattoo disappeared. The biggest thing that stops me is my low tolerance for pain. I also don’t like the idea of having it for the rest of my entire life. Friends who have them tell me that you don’t stop at one; you always want more. I don’t need another thing to obsess over like a permanently unfinished project.

We are planning another family visit to my great aunt on Friday. She had a fall and broke her hip a couple of months ago. She returned home recently and we haven’t seen her since we visited her at the hospital.

Typical Sunday

2005-08-21T23:45:00.000-07:00

Another typical Sunday. I enjoy the USA lineup, The 4400 and Dead Zone. I remember Anthony Michael Hall from Sixteen Candles and then as one of the youngest cast members ever on Saturday Night Live. Unfortunately it wasn’t a good year for the show and Anthony wasn’t a strong member of the cast. Who can believe he was so skinny and lanky then. He barely has a neck now with his broad, athletic build. Anyway, I like Dead Zone because the story is good, not for him. Both shows are tense, dramatic science-fiction with conspiracy overtones. Good fun.

I filed for my second week of unemployment over the Internet tonight.

The scripture readings in the lectionary this week really encouraged me about my life and my situation. Here is a bit from the Old Testament reading.

Isaiah 51:1-3, 6

Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness
and who seek the LORD :
Look to the rock from which you were cut
and to the quarry from which you were hewn;
look to Abraham, your father,
and to Sarah, who gave you birth.
When I called him he was but one,
and I blessed him and made him many.

The LORD will surely comfort Zion
and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the LORD.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing...

Lift up your eyes to the heavens,
look at the earth beneath;
the heavens will vanish like smoke,
the earth will wear out like a garment
and its inhabitants die like flies.
But my salvation will last forever,
my righteousness will never fail.

It reminds me of another favorite verse in Isaiah that I've been thinking about and reading over the last few months.

Isaiah 55:1-3

Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David.

Wu Xia

2005-08-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

Wu Xia movies (martial arts swordplay, often with a fantasy element). Why do I like them? Because the flying and fight choreography are graceful and powerful. The costumes, settings, and colors are very expressive. They can be fanciful, historical, imaginative, scary. The themes of honor, friendship, strength, and good vs. evil are universal and inspiring. I am by no means an expert. I only really started watching them after I saw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. But here are a couple of lists.

My 3 favorite:
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Hero
A Chinese Ghost Story

I did like House of Flying Daggers, but not nearly as much as Hero. I felt the story was not as strong. It was too convoluted, but predictably so. There was an amazing scene in the early part of the movie, though. I would almost buy the DVD just for that. Almost.

I haven’t seen yet, but really want to:
Green Snake
The Bride with White Hair
Iron Monkey
The Shaolin Temple
The Legend

Now this is not a swordplay movie, but Stephen Chow mixes Kung Fu and comedy with genius. Shaolin Soccer had me howling with laughter. The premise is that a group of Kung Fu trained monks form a soccer team and use their special skills on the field. He has a new one that I haven’t seen yet. It’s called Kung Fu Hustle.

I was inspired today because I caught part of “The Art of Action: Martial Arts in Motion Pictures”, a 2002 TV documentary hosted by Samuel L. Jackson.

Great News!

2005-08-19T23:44:00.000-07:00

My brother-in-law got a contract job upgrading and replacing computers for a large aerospace company. It will last for several months. We are so happy for him. It is a good start and takes some pressure off of him. We went out to dinner tonight to celebrate! I brought half home, which is unusual. I don't usually let being full stop me from finishing everything on my plate when I'm enjoying it. This was an alfredo, so it was very cheesy and rich. I'll enjoy it again tomorrow. Today was the last workshop at WorkSource. They have been a helpful resource and I enjoyed the other job seekers. We had a good group this week and today especially was a lot of fun. I will write more tomorrow, What Not To Wear is starting in 5 minutes.

Worship Songs

2005-08-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

Today has been busy. We have a new music director at my church and tonight was the first rehearsal of our worship team with the new leader. He is a great musician and I'm so excited. It is also the first time I've been to a mid-week practice in about 8 months because I started teaching evenings in January. The job has been over for a couple of months, but I was so out of the habit that I never started going again. It was also a good time to worship God. I love worship music. The words to several songs especially spoke to me this week. Here are the lyrics to one of them.

Lord Reign In Me
by Brenton Brown, Copyright 1998

Over all the earth
You reign on high
Every mountain stream
Every sunset sky
But my one request
Lord my only aim
Is that You’d reign in me again

Lord reign in me
Reign in Your power
Over all my dreams
In my darkest hour
You are the Lord
Of all I am
So won’t You reign in me again

Over every thought
Over every word
May my life reflect
The beauty of myLord
‘Cause you mean more to me
Than any earthly thing
So won’t You reign in me again

This song is not where I am living every day right now, but it is where I need to be. This song is my prayer. My eyes have been looking down again and I've been too occupied with myself and my concerns. Lord, give me your vision for my days, my week, my life. Take my goals and put them in the correct order. Just like the exercise, I have also gotten lax again about spending time in prayer and studying the Bible. I have been so frustrated because I'm having trouble focusing on what kind of career to focus on and where my skills and temperament fit the best. God, help me to see clearly and give me a vision for a purposeful and satisfying vocation. Take my frustration and cover me in your peace. Thank You!

I'm Writing Again.

2005-08-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

I have been unable to write anything for the last several days unless it was whiny tripe. I've been feeling discouraged and blah. I'm writing tonight before I go to sleep because I want to get over this bump. It has been over a week since I have exercised. Today I went to another insurance interview. Those seem to be the only companies that are showing any interest. I need to get a focused vision of what I really want to do so that I can take effective steps and know where to look. I guess that is my agenda for this week. My sister has been having a terrible time in Oklahoma. Today we got the news that her car engine is deceased. One good thing happened today. I met a friend and we had a great Thai dinner. I ordered asparagus in a yellow curry (but dry, without the coconut milk) with chicken. It was delicious. We had a great talk about life. She is about my age and also single. We have a lot of things in common as far as challenges and how we feel about things. For example, we both set ages for ourselves to adopt children if we found ourselves still single. I gave myself until 35, she chose 40. I have passed my deadline, but had already changed my mind about volunteering for single parenthood after seeing several friends raise newborns and toddlers. They had husbands as active fathers, but even two people are stretched thin with small children. It truly takes a village. I enjoyed being "Aunty Cheryl" and helping out; I also enjoyed going home. I am totally over that biological clock thing.

One more day until the two-year anniversary of my return from Korea. No specific plans how to mark the occasion.

Friday!

2005-08-12T20:12:00.000-07:00

Yeah! It's Friday. Yesterday was the big job interview. I was kind of worked up and nervous on Wednesday. Surprise! When I took the company name down over the phone, I spelled it wrong by a couple of letters. Remember, I was barely awake when I got the call and did the short phone interview. He didn't offer the spelling of the name and I wasn't thinking clearly enough to ask. Besides, I thought it sounded simple enough. So it was not an aerospace company that offered language training to pilots and traffic control workers. It was an insurance company and they are looking for sales people. I got through the first in-person interview and then they asked me to return in half-an-hour to sit in on an informational meeting about the company and fill out a candidate profile test. The profile test was questions about what motivates me, would I lie, would I steal, what are my strengths and weaknesses, etc. I decided that it wasn't the opportunity for me and told them so later in the evening when they called me back to see if I would come back for a final interview.

Today I applied online for two more positions- a Marketing Specialist- Writer, and a Merchant Investigator. The second job is for an online retail company, so I'd be checking out the merchants that are participating to make sure they are serving the customers properly and checking for fraud. It sounds like it could be challenging and fun. I don't expect to hear back from them because I don't have all the experience that they want in retail and don't know anything about fraud prevention. I made my quota to file for unemployment, so that is the most important thing. Next week I'll finish the series of workshops. I hope I'll learn more good stuff and really get prepared to market myself in some new areas and make this a successful career change.

August 18th, next Thursday, will be the two-year anniversary of my return to the United States to start my new life. I should find some way to mark the occasion. My life here is still under construction, but I am full of hope. God has good plans, and I'm trying to follow His path.

What Not to Wear will be on soon. Better go now.

2005-08-10T23:04:00.000-07:00

Garden at Gyungbok Palace

Teaching in Korea

2005-08-10T21:38:00.000-07:00

A couple of people have asked what it was like teaching in Korea. They were thinking of going there and teaching themselves. I thought I'd post my answer in case more people were interested in hearing what it was like.

I had a great time in Korea. As long as you have a bachelor's degree (in any subject) you should be able to get a job. The language schools really want native-speakers who can teach conversation and listening. Research your school before you go because there are lots of bad ones that don't treat people fairly and aren't honest. Try looking in the forums at Dave's ESL Cafe. Ask the representative of any school you are considering if you can have the e-mail of a foreign teacher working there who can vouch for the school and give you information about the local life. I recommend the experience of teaching overseas. The culture shock will be substantial and you will have lots of challenges. Any kind of teaching training you can get before you go would be helpful. The university jobs are better (fewer teaching hours, better pay, and better working conditions) but you generally need a master's degree. Most schools in Korea pay for your housing and the wages are fair, so you can save money or pay down debt. I made good progress on my student loans while I was there.

Seoul is a large, very crowded, fast-paced city. It was both exciting and stressful. When things got really overwhelming, I would go to Gyungbok Palace and walk around. It is a spacious, tranquil oasis in the middle of urban mayhem. Walking through the gate, I could breathe deeply again. For interesting reading on this palace, Minsoo Kang wrote a very descriptive though scholarly essay on its long history.

I also lived in Kwangju, which is far South of Seoul. It was very interesting to see another part of Korea. Seoul is the business and population center of the whole country. Literally almost 1/3 of the total population lives in the city or in the surrounding suburbs. Kwangju is a small, provincial city that has a history of being a conservative holdout. It was the site of famous labor protests. The pace was slower and the people more relaxed and friendly. There was traffic, but it was still easier to get around. After you had been there a while, it felt like a small community; you recognized many faces when you walked around the downtown area. The surrounding countryside is very pretty. About 50 minutes away are the Bosung Green Tea Plantations, neat rows of tea bushes terraced into the mountainside. Just outside the city is a Confucian scholar's garden, Sosoewon, which is about 600 years old.

As far as the experience of being a foreigner, it was both fun and difficult. I didn't know any Korean language before I went. It was hard to adjust to being helpless in some situations, but I had people at my school helping me. The most basic, necessary things you learn pretty quickly. Thankfully, the writing system is very easy to learn, so you can sound things out and start to read subway stops and things. A lot of those signs are also written in Roman alphabet, which helps. The Korean culture sometimes keeps foreigners at a distance, but they are also hospitable and kind. Occasionally bouts of anti-Americanism break out because of political things, but I never felt unsafe.

It was a hard decision to make, leaving Korea. I was torn because I had become so comfortable there, liked my job and had good friends. At the same time I had been living far away from my family for a long time. I finally decided that it was time to return to Washington State and live near my family. The longer I stayed in Korea, the harder it would have been to leave.

Interview Preparations

2005-08-10T21:05:00.000-07:00

Tomorow I have an interview for a teaching related position. It may actually be teaching, but I won't find out any details until tomorrow. Preparations for the interview: printing out fresh copies of my resume and contact information of past employers. I also bought a new top to wear to the interview. I'm also going to use some notecards and write down some important things that I want to include in my answers to those delightfully fun interview questions. My personal favorite, "What are your greatest strengths and weaknesses?". My answer to that one is, "My strengths are listening to people, thinking creatively to solve problems, and cooperating with others as a member of a team. My weaknesses are being particular about details and putting pressure on myself to meet other people's expectations." The company is over an hour away. If I get the job, who knows how I'll get there. I don't have a car and can't afford one. But that's getting too far ahead, since I don't actually have the job yet. Dad is really excited for me. He wants to know that I have a good job and I am well provided for. Well, I wouldn't mind that, either.

I had a good night's sleep last night, so I have some energy back. Haven't done any exercise this week, though. Not good. Tomorrow afternoon I will do the walking tape.

Undivided Heart

2005-08-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

I’m still really tired. It was very nice to see my aunt last night. Didn’t sleep too well. Mom woke me up and handed me the phone. Good morning, time for an impromptu phone interview. I guess it didn’t go too badly, though. I was invited to come to their office on Thursday for a face-to-face. I had no idea what the company was, so I googled them. They are an international aerospace tech company that also offers language training to pilots. Wow, a teaching position. It seems like it will be a very corporate atmosphere. I’ve been advised to “dress for success” when I come to the interview. Not that I don’t usually wear nice clothes to an interview, but I have never worked in a corporate setting and most of my clothes are not quite that formal. I’m glad that I bought that blazer! Took a long nap this afternoon. I’m still making progress in Ezekiel. Here is one of my favorite verses.

Ezekiel 11:18-20
“They will return to it (the land of Israel) and remove all its vile images and detestable idols. I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their God.”

I have heard this verse many times and read it quoted here and there. I love this verse. It is so easy for my heart and my attention to be divided so many ways. There is another similar verse.

Jeremiah 31:33-34
"This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel after that time," declares the LORD. "I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will a man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the LORD,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest," declares the LORD. "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."

Ezekiel and Jeremiah were prophets at the same time. They lived right before the destruction of Jerusalem by the Babylonian empire. I like these verses because it is describing such a close relationship between God and believers. God did keep his promise to bring the exiles back to Israel. Nehemiah came back with a group of exiles and descendents that had been born in Babylon. Together they rebuilt the city in the face of opposition and threats from their neighbors. The temple was also eventually rebuilt. These verses offer hope in the middle of a dark time. God’s purpose was not to annihilate Israel, but to cleanse and restore His people. These verses also look forward to the new covenant (or contract) God would initiate with all people through Jesus. Now believers have the spirit of God living directly inside them, to guide and help them. We can have the same closeness with God described in these verses.

Back Home Again

2005-08-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

I got home about 8:45 PM last night. It was a great weekend. I worked hard and had a lot of fun. Today I’ve been taking it a bit easy. There was an e-mail from an insurance company inviting me to an informational interview. I called and RSVP'd. I also took care of miscellaneous business- phone calls, gathering laundry, etc. A pretty routine day, not too hectic. I needed rest after the weekend. As usual at church retreats, we didn’t get a lot of sleep. My aunt is coming to spend the night. She couldn’t get on the flight tonight, so she will leave tomorrow. Instead of going back to stay near Grandpa, she’ll come here and stay with us. Her husband is a pilot, so she flies standby. It's always a gamble whether she'll get a seat. I’m glad, because now I’ll get to see her. More tomorrow, she’ll be here soon.

Away for the Weekend

2005-08-04T02:30:00.000-07:00

This week has been a whirlwind. I haven't gone to sleep yet, but shortly after I finish this post my head will be resting on a pillow. I've been up late finishing some things before I leave for the weekend. I leave before lunch today and will come back Sunday evening. It's a church thing. My aunt is also in town, but because of the job workshops and this weekend, I won't be able to see her this trip. She came on Monday and will stay through the weekend for her high school reunion. Not much to say right now. I'm exhausted and obviously I won't be able to post anything this weekend. I'll catch up on Monday, I promise. Since I joined BlogExplosion, several people have left kind comments. It really encourages me to keep writing and posting regularly. I appreciate those who have taken the time to leave a comment. Thank you very much.

Evaluating the Week

2005-07-31T18:17:00.000-07:00

Let's see how I did on that list of things to do this week.

Pray every day as 1st priority.

1. Apply for unemployment

2. Search for job listings online.

3. Rework my resume in a functional style.

4. Think about creative ideas for job/career directions.

5. Exercise 5 days.

6. Apply for at least 3 jobs.

I’ve been praying each day (not always before I do other things) and making progress in Ezekiel. It is a very interesting book. Right now I’m still in the gloom and judgment part of it, but there is a ray of hope. God marked a remnant of faithful people to save from destruction. They were the ones who refused to bow down to the idols of the day and were saddened by the corruption and vice that they saw around them. How can that apply to myself in today’s culture? What idols am I personally tempted to bow to? (selfishness, money/success, overindulging physical appetites). You see, the Bible is absolutely relevant, even the Old Testament. (God, please help me to stay true to you.) Now some are offended at the very idea of judgment. Let me just say this. If you really read the Old Testament, God would give warnings to Israel and do everything he could to remind the people of what was right and what they needed to do before he handed down the punishment. It wasn’t capricious and He did not take pleasure in it. Jesus provided the ultimate answer to that cycle. God knew that none of us could fulfill the law perfectly. The purpose of the law is to open our eyes to see that we have done wrong and that we need God. He sent Jesus to take the punishment so that we could be reconciled with God by believing in Jesus and asking for forgiveness.

I did everything, except I’m short one day on exercise and didn't meet the minimum job applications. I could do a walking tape tonight after it has cooled off. I was thinking today, “Once I start working, how am I going to keep up with this journal, exercise, and everything else?” I’m so spoiled now, having plenty of time to do all these personal things and the down time to just let my mind wander. I’m the kind of person that needs to have some down time or space during the day to recharge and refresh myself. I’m spending hours looking at job listings, too, but at home at my own convenience and pace. OK, stop whining, Cheryl. We have a new saying in the house that a friend of my mother’s introduced a couple of weeks ago, “Put on your big girl panties, and deal with it”. Work is a part of life. Once I have a new job, I’ll be excited about it and glad to have somewhere to go and be productive.

I applied for only one job, not 3. The reason is that it’s hard to find job listings that fit me very well. That’s the trick of trying to go a new career direction- you don’t have prior experience in the job you want or all the qualifications that they are asking for. I’ve found technical writing jobs, but they are not entry level. Even office jobs want more software experience than I have. I don’t know how to use Access or Power Point. I’m still getting familiar with Excel. They also want experience in an office setting. I don’t think I want to be an executive assistant, anyway. The library jobs I’ve found require one or more years of experience and a degree or at least some training. Good thing that tomorrow I’ll be going to the WorkSource workshops on identifying skills and finding job/career fields that suit you well. That should provide some encouragement and hopefully I can get a few new ideas. I need new ideas.

Summer Heat

2005-07-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

I exercised today! Instead of doing the Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds tape, I actually walked outside. I went to a local park and walked 3 times around the perimeter. It is a very small park, so it was probably just a little over a mile. It took 25 minutes. Being outside was a nice change, but it was hot. We’ve been having gorgeous summer weather. After the walk I had a fruit juice popsicle (no sugar added). which cooled me off right away. Then for dinner I ate a huge portion of a family favorite, Chicken Picante Casserole. My brother-in-law teased my sister over the phone by telling her what we were eating for dinner tonight. I could practically hear her scream over the phone! Our family had this casserole it for the first time about 15 years ago, maybe longer. It’s a layered chicken enchilada sort of thing, except we no longer bother to layer it. We just tear up all the corn tortillas and mix up the chicken and everything else together in a giant bowl and then put it in a 9 X 13 pan to bake. It tastes just as good and is much less fuss than layering everything. It is a full fat recipe. We’ve tried to use low-fat cheese and substitute some other ingredients, but the flavor never stood up. I haven’t been making any effort to eat healthier. That is the next step and I’m not excited about it.

I now have the top I was salivating after yesterday, plus a great pair of grey pin-striped slacks! They didn’t have those at the other store. I promise, or I would have bought them at the first store because that is the store that I worked at over the holiday season last year. Now every time I go into that store I get to catch up with the women that I worked with. There was big news yesterday, one is engaged and another is pregnant. They gave me an application, too, and said that they’ll start hiring some seasonal help soon. Probably for back to school and then keep people on through Christmas. I took the application, but have no intention of turning it in because I really don’t like working retail. My coworkers were great, but it isn’t a job that I could support myself with. The only full time positions are management.

I found a couple of really interesting job listings today, though. One is as a student advisor. I could do that really well and I pray that I can get an interview.

A Day of Fun

2005-07-27T23:30:00.000-07:00

I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory today and did some sale shopping at my favorite clothing store, Lane Bryant. Tried on almost half the store before I started finding things that I was happy with. For some reason everything was looking better on the hangers. I ended up with one pair of jeans, a light sweater, and pajamas. They have a lovely top that goes underneath the sweater, but they were all out in my size. I liked it so much that I asked them to call other stores to find my size. They found one at another mall about 30-40 minutes away. I will pick it up tomorrow. I wish I could show a picture. It is sort of a camisole top, but the straps are wider, more like a tank top except it is not a knit fabric. The color is sky blue and the sweater matches. The top has satiny fabric overlaid on the bust with some sheer, organza type fabric that crosses over. Didn't I tell you a picture would be better! The words make it seem lame, but I promise it is lovely. I didn't exercise today, but I can still fit in 5 days this week. Why the frivolous outing today? Because a friend had the day off of work and came over to visit. She lives a little over an hour away, so we don't get together often. We both thought that the movie was a lot of fun. Johny Depp was definitely quirky and creepy as Willy Wonka. I bet he was having a great time. I remember Kate Winslett saying in the DVD extra documentary that Johny would constantly goof around and entertain the boys on the set while they were making Finding Neverland. She described him as a great big kid. He is clearly very intelligent, but I can also see that he embraces a childlike sense of wonder and a delightful imagination in some of the roles that he choses and the freedom he has to abandon himself to very silly antics. Take Pirates of the Carribean for example, or Edward Scisorhands, another Tim Burton film. I think Depp and Burton have similar dark, silly and quirky humor. Oh, don't forget the glee with which Depp played the hopelessly inept and endlessly enthusuastic director of B movies, Ed Wood. Tim Burton directed that as well. Corpse Bride, another stop-motion animated feature by Tim Burton, was one of the movies previewed. It looks great and goes directly onto my "Must see..." list. Do you remember Nightmare Before Christmas? Not for every taste, but I loved it.

A Great Start of the Week

2005-07-26T23:49:00.000-07:00

Happy at the end of the day. I lit a couple of candles and have a glass of red wine to set the mood while I type this update. I exercised yesterday and today, so I’m on track for my goal of 5 days of exercise this week. I finished my resume and cover letter, making the changes that the Work Source counselor suggested. I updated my online resumes at Careerbuilder and Monster.com. They hadn’t been touched since October 2003. Yesterday I applied for unemployment. It took about 15 minutes on the phone. For some reason I was dreading it, but it wasn’t bad at all. I have also been praying and reading the Bible like I should. I started the book of Ezekiel, which I don’t believe that I’ve ever read through. Only about 7 years ago did I start appreciating the Old Testament. Before that I thought it was old, dusty, violent and unpleasant history. What made me change my mind? I started reading it regularly. (Yes, novel idea, I know.) I had a One Year Bible, which gives you readings each day from the Old Testament, a Psalm, a few verses from Proverbs, and the New Testament. Reading it this way helped me appreciate how common themes are woven so intricately through the whole Bible. The New Testament also quotes and refers directly to the Old Testament fairly regularly. There are reading plans that you can get online and follow. Verse of the Day has several plans outlined, each organized differently. For example chronological or by literary style (poetry, prophecy, history, letters). The cat has gained another 3 ounces. Mom weighed her yesterday.

Sunday Drive

2005-07-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

Today was a really beautiful summer day. We've been having a heat wave for the last week, except for Friday when it was very rainy. A heat wave for Washingtonians, that is. The highs have been in the 80's (Fahrenheit) and we all think we are melting. Dad proposed a leisurely afternoon drive, so we went toward Mt. Ranier through some of the little towns in the valley. We stopped in Wilkeson and had delicious ice cream at a cafe/ice cream shop in the town center.

2005-07-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

Wilkeson Town Center

What's Really My First Task?

2005-07-24T21:26:00.000-07:00

To do this week:

1. Apply for unemployment (I’ve never done this before and I’ve been putting it off. But I do need the money. Suck it up and do it.)

2. Search for job listings online.

3. Rework my resume in a functional style.

4. Think about creative ideas for job/career directions.

5. Exercise 5 days.

6. Apply for at least 3 jobs.

Most importantly, pray before I do all of these things. None of the things I need to figure out and changes that I need to make (exercise, eating healthy, career, etc.) are going to happen if I don’t pray. Recently, however, I’ve been making excuses not to pray. Chores, activities, writing, surfing the Internet. I am going to make sure I do first things first, and that means not cutting prayer and Bible study short. I can do all things through God, but without him everything I do is worthless.

John 15:4
"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful apart from me."

Oh, someone directed me to this site regarding the Palm Pictures. Evidently it is a production and distribution company that has been around for a while.

New Movie Feature at Comcast OnDemand!

2005-07-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

Today was the last day of Serengeti Trek. It was a great week with the kids. If I have the time next summer, I'll do it again.

I am so excited about something that I discovered last night. There is a new feature in the OnDemand section of Comcast digital cable. It is in the Free Movie section, called Palm Pictures. I am guessing that they want to associate by name with the "Palm D'Or" of the Cannes festival. It is a film festival hosted on cable TV, featuring independent, foreign, and short films. Viewers can vote for favorite movies and they claim it can affect decisions to release some of these films in the theaters or on DVD. Sounds kind of cool. I checked out what movies were there and found a good Korean film, JSA (Joint Security Area). It is a murder mystery/political thriller set at the DMZ. I hope that I can get my dad and brother-in-law to watch it with me. Anyone who may read this and have access to OnDemand, I highly recommend this movie. It was a huge blockbuster in Korea when it came out in the late 90's. The story is tense and dramatic. Dealing with North and South, it could easily have fallen into simplistic cardboard characters, but the main characters are complex and compelling.

Today has been busy. The only thing I haven't done in the past three days is to take any action about my job search. I need to get that new resume done and scour the 'net for good jobs. I also need to make calls and do research about the kind of job and career I really want. I actually wish that I could find a good work-at-home opportunity that wasn't sales or a scam.

Live to Eat

2005-07-21T17:12:00.000-07:00

My family likes food. I enjoy eating good food. While I'm not an especially picky eater, I do feel that life is too short to waste time eating boring or unappetizing food. I am not talking about eating fancy all the time. I like a wide variety of foods. There are two fast food items that I can't resist. One is a Frugals' bacon and swiss burger (they use thick-sliced smoky bacon and real swiss cheese, not processed cheese). The other is a jumbo sized burrito with quacamole, sour cream and everything else from Taco Del Mar. Mom and I watch the Food Network sometimes. We especially like 30 Minute Meals and Food 911. We've also seen random episodes of some other series, like Calorie Comando, Paula's Home Cooking and Everyday Italian. We have tried some recipes and gotten ideas for tweaking familar dishes. I found the only chili recipe that I will ever use again on Calorie Comando (Turkey Sausage Chili). Be careful with the chipotle chilies in adobo sauce, though. We cut those in half and it was still very hot. I like heat, but in moderation. A couple of weeks ago Mom surprised Dad by making Tyler's chicken satay recipe from a Food 911 episode. It was delicious and very easy to make. Here are some of the recipes I've printed out and haven't tried yet.

* Coconut Shrimp with Red Curry Sauce (Food 911, same episode as the satay)
* Spaghetti and Meatballs (Food 911, the meatballs are stuffed with fresh mozzarella)
* Grilled T-Bone with Chipotle Chili Rub and Cilantro-Lime Compound Butter (30 Minute Meals)
* Chicken in Tarragon Cream Sauce, White and Wild Rice with Walnuts (30 Minute Meals)
* Stuffed Baby Eggplant (Food 911)
* Ottoman Empire Yogurt Soup (Food 911, same episode as the eggplant)
* Pan Seared Salmon with Sour Cream and Dill (Food 911)

If you want any of these recipes, they are at the Food Network website. There is a very handy "find an episode"search where you choose the title of the show and can type in topic words, like "Thai", or "eggplant".

The Cat Came Back

2005-07-20T17:38:00.000-07:00

Selfish me. I put the cat down so that I could type. Ahhh, she still has claws on her back paws. They were digging into my shoulder; she just leapt up and is settling down again across my arms. Her fascination with computers started at the neighbors' house. He wrote his whole master's thesis with Scruffy draped over his arms. She is indeed a well-educated and most helpful cat. I don't, however, recommend her as a typist. She will not take no for an answer, but what respectable cat would? That was before the cat sharing arrangement started, about 3 years ago.

You see, originally, Scruffy was owned by other neighbors down the street. They moved and she stayed behind (lost or abandoned, who knows?) She camped on the doorstep of our neighbors' house in the middle of winter. Our neighbor doesn't like cats at all, but she couldn't leave a forlorn little beast to die in the cold. Scruffy stayed there and the husband became quite fond of her. He was home a lot studying and writing and they bonded at the computer. After some time she was banned from the neighbors' house and allowed only in their garage. Why would they do that? It is a long story, but the short version is that Scruffy had an accident on the rug and you don't want to mess with that woman's house, ever. About that time, Mom was asked to feed Scruffy while the neighbors were away on a trip. She loves cats and has actually wanted to have one for years, but my dad refuses. He swore when our last pet passed that there would be no more. While she was pet-sitting, she would bring Scruffy to our house and let her sit in her lap and cuddle for a while every day. Ever since then, Scruffy has become a regular visitor at our house. She is quite elderly and recently has been ill. Mom and the neighbors took her to the vet. She is slowly gaining weight. Mom weighed her again on Monday and she was 5 lbs. 3 ounces. You can't tell by her behavior that she was ever sick. In fact, my Dad even said, "Look at her run!" as she jauntily jogged into the kitchen for a drink of water. My brother-in-law is working on his class work. Maybe she will help him, too.

I took a survey for a study of blogging and bloggers. You can participate if you have a blog. It didn't take too long.

At the Close of the Day

2005-07-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

I’m happily tired. Satisfactorily busy. The Vacation Bible School is so much fun, even more than I expected. I actually didn’t know quite what to expect, since I’ve never participated in it, except when I attended as a child.

I had that appointment with the job counselor at Work Source this afternoon. She had some excellent advice about my resume and cover letter. I am going to make a functional style resume that focuses on my skills and what I have done at my jobs. She also told me that my cover letter was way too detailed and told me what to cut out of it. I'll be working on that.

Mom and I exercised today for the first time in 5 days. We are not going to quit!

It has been fun to spend some time hanging out with my brother-in-law. We watched Billy Elliot last night. I haven’t seen him in three years. I only met him for the first time 3 days before my sister’s wedding in April 2000. They met online and had a long-distance relationship. I was also in Massachusetts at the time, so I didn’t see my sister much during her engagement, either. But my family embraced him very quickly. He has a great, off-beat sense of humor that fits in well with all of us. He is also is head and shoulders above anyone else that my sister ever dated. He treats her well. He gives her pedicures, manicures, cooks, and encourages her. He helps her stay focused and motivated on her goals for her health and career. I am not sure exactly how much weight she has lost in the last year-and-a-half, but it is close to 100. She is gaining her health and her confidence. They also support each other spiritually, reminding each other to pray through all difficulties and to gain strength from reading and studying the Bible. I know it is hard for her waiting back in Oklahoma until he has a job here. I know that both of them will do what it takes to make sure that she comes here to Washington before too long. He estimates a couple of months.

2005-07-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

Snake River

He's Here!

2005-07-17T21:11:00.000-07:00

My brother-in-law is here. He arrived early this morning at the end of a marathon drive from Oklahoma. He shared some of his road pictures with me.

It has been a busy day. I went to church and then we had to decorate the sanctuary, fellowship hall, and the foyer for the Serengeti Trek VBS program. Didn't make the special surprise recipe today, so that will wait for another time. We went to Ruby Tuesday instead. I love their Buffalo tenders.

Improve your writing? Practice, practice, practice...

2005-07-16T21:30:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what to write about. I have made several false starts and can’t get anywhere. What do you do when you have a block? I wanted to read a story for an audio entry, but that didn’t go well. There is a time limit for the audioblogger entries and the story was too long. I thought I'd just record it in two parts, but it was still not easy. I kept starting again because I would make a mistake or want another chance to improve my storytelling performance. Twice I was interrupted in the middle of recording. Finally I gave up. I was being called to dinner: special deli hotdogs, potato salad, and baked beans. No frills, but satisfying summer fare. I thought about posting a list or a series of lists. I’ve seen it done before. But I could not think of anything more exciting than “My Favorite Movies”. I started a “To Do:” list. I didn’t want to do anything.

164 words. This entry wouldn’t even count for 100 words. I found this project a long time ago and thought it was a great concept. If you like writing, you might even participate and find it an interesting experiment. How much can you say in 100 words?

Who needs sleep?

2005-07-15T18:04:00.000-07:00

Last night I got sucked into BlogExplosion and stayed up all night. How strange that just yesterday I reminisced about a time years ago when I didn’t sleep. Only this time I didn’t stand up a friend. I stood up my Mom because she wanted get an early start on doing some work around the house. At least we did eventually get a decent amount of work done today. I really didn’t intend not to sleep. What happened was that I decided to join this promotion site and then I was surfing all these blogs all night. Yes, I was also earning points that mean other people are surfing my blog. I admit it, I do want people to read what I’m writing here. I do put some effort into it, after all. BlogExplosion certainly can help expose your site. It is kind of an exchange system where you login and surf other member blogs and other members will visit your site. Those points translate directly to hits. I found some really interesting sites written by other people that I am definitely going to return to. Hours flew by; before I knew it, Dad walked through the computer area on his way out the door to work. “Good morning, you’re up early”, he said with surprise. He usually leaves at 5:30 AM. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been awake to greet him in the morning. I usually wake up between 9:00 and 9:30 AM. Today I went to bed around 6:00 AM and woke up at 11:00 AM. Can't get away with that tonight, though. I am going to a Walk To Emmaus community celebration and picnic lunch in Marysville. The festivities will start at 9:00 AM.

The purging continues. Today more surprises unearthed in the form of a bag full of books, a lot of them old favorites. It was a mixture of children’s books, which I like to collect, Christian reference books, a biography of J.R.R. Tolkein, and a couple of classic novels. Here is a list of some of the titles I was so pleased to find.

Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard (A classic alegory of Christian life.)
Danny the Champion of the World by Roald Dahl (I was riveted when my elementary school teacher read this beautiful father and son adventure and survival tale aloud to us.)
Sarah, Plain and Tall by Patricia MacLachlan (I read this aloud to my 3rd grade class as a student teacher. It is the only good memory I have of student teaching.)
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens (What can I say? I think this is his best work.)
A Shepherd Looks at the 23rd Psalm by Phillip Keller (A delightful meditation on the most familiar Psalm which makes it new all over again.)

Flotsam and Jetsam Surface from the Past

2005-07-14T22:35:00.000-07:00

News about the cat. We weighed her and she was 5 lbs. on our scale. She has more energy and is definitely acting like she feels better. She was extremely clingy for a few days. Mom called her “Velcro kitty”. She has always liked to sit in your lap or in front of the keyboard when you are at the computer. These days she will definitely not leave you alone if you are on the computer. When I’m at my laptop there is no room on the desk and the touch pad is directly in front of the keyboard, so she can’t sit there. Instead she drapes herself across my arms and makes it very hard to type. She isn’t here now, or I couldn’t type an entry. We are very happy that she is recovering.

I finished my full resume on the state site so I can take tests online and apply for jobs with Washington State. It took a long time to finish because I couldn’t just cut and paste from my resume file. They also wanted complete address information for every job in my employment history. I had to dig in a file to get addresses for my oldest jobs.

Mom and I spent some time today preparing a room for my brother-in-law who will arrive sometime late on Saturday evening. He is driving from Oklahoma. We want to make sure he is comfortable and feels welcome. I suggested a special recipe that we should prepare on Sunday to celebrate his arrival. It’s one we saw on Food 911. I want it so be a surprise, so I can’t say what it is. My sister reads my journal and I am sure that he also has the address.

We are also purging some stuff and preparing a donation for a charity that will come to our house next week. We have purged a lot of stuff since I returned in 2003. There is still more to go. I thought that since I have been moving at least every 3 years all of my adult life, which forces regular purges of extra belongings, that I didn’t have much flotsam and jetsam cluttering my life. As I have helped my mom purge, I have also gone through my own stuff and it is surprising what I have managed to keep. Since coming home, I’ve gone through several boxes of stuff from college and even earlier, like digging through archeological layers. Of course this older stuff was left behind at my parent’s home while I was traipsing all around. It is only fair that now I help Mom sort stuff out and get her house back. Some fossils found in the strata: two grade reports from middle school, my SAT score record, and judges’ evaluation sheets from the district solo voice contest from each year of high school (83-87).

Today in the spare room I stumbled upon a small stash of cards, letters, and assorted papers from my first two years of college. The only thing I am keeping is a beautiful card from my grandmother with a note with news about what she had been doing that week, just to keep in touch. I also found several letters from one of my few good friends that I had in high school. I was not social and had very few friends then. Unfortunately, we didn’t keep in touch after the first year of college because I accidentally stood her up when were both home for Christmas break. I had stayed up really late the night before (I sometimes had insomnia back then) and slept until noon or so the next day. We were supposed to meet at 9:00 AM or something like that. I called her and left an apology on the answering machine. I called her several times, but she would not return any of my calls. I wrote to her, too. She never accepted my apology. I paused, thinking for a minute about keeping them, before I put her letters in the bag of paper for recycling. I hadn’t thought about her in years. I wonder where she is. I hope she is well and happy. I suppose I should go to my next high school reunion and see if she is there. Oooh, maybe not. I can’t imagine enjoying the “haven’t I been wonderfully successful and look how cool I still am” competition with all the people who were little more than strangers to me even back then.

Happy Endorphines

2005-07-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

"Exercise gives you endorphines, endorphines make you happy, happy people just don't shoot their husbands....they just don't." - Legally Blonde.

This movie was on TBS or TNT or whatever last night and I had it on in the background while I was on the computer doing my journal and wandering around the Internet. I thought this was an amusing quote and a good start for today's entry since it ties in with today's main subject. Mom and I have continued our exercising. We have skipped a few times and we still don't do it every day, but we both feel good to have a start and encourage each other to keep it up. Soon I'll start doing the pilates work out and alternate days. I believe that 4 days a week of cardio should be the minimum. I'll have to check out some exercise information to make sure. 5 days of cardio would be best, I think. Some days I may want to do both and other days I can just do pilates. Pilates is good for strenth, balance, and toning. Toning helps you burn more calories all day long, no matter what you're doing. Mom can really tell the difference when she exercises because her back doesn't hurt. Of course, for so long a sore back was a good excuse for not exercising. Now it is clear that the exercise is vital to keep her back strong and stop pain from robbing her of activity and quality of life. I'm so pleased for her. I know it is helping me, too, althought the results aren't so noticeable yet. I am conerned about my heart and my blood pressure, though. I know that at my last check up two years ago my blood pressure was not good. My heart rate could be lower in general. That is a sign of poor cardio conditioning. I try and be very careful when I exercise not to push myself too hard and overstrain my heart. I watch my breathing and listen carefully to how my body feels. I know it would be best to monitor these things with regular checks, but I don't have any insurance.

I am going to put my resume on the Washington State employment site so I can look for and apply for state jobs. I'm not sure what I expect to find, but the counselor recommended it when I was there almost two weeks ago. I will also call the Work Source office again and see if I can make an appointment. I wonder if she has checked her messages! Wait! - The phone just rang and it was... You genius, how did you guess? She returned my call and I have an appointment for late afternoon on the 19th. She will be out of the office the rest of the week. There are other counselors in the office. I don't want to give the idea that there is no one working at the state employment office. I suppose I could insist on seeing one of the other counselors, but I'm willing to drag my feet for a while. You know I don't enjoy this process. If I don't think I'm getting much accomplished after another meeting or two with her, I may ask to see another counselor. There is also a series of workshops that may have some helpful information and tips on searching and interviewing. I plan to attend those. The next series is the week of the 18th through the 22nd. However, that week is the week of Serenghetti Trek. It is this summer's vacation Bible school program at my church. I volunteered to be an assistant teacher. The registration for those is already full, anyway.

Fear or Faith?

2005-07-10T22:37:00.000-07:00

What is the scariest thing about being single? For me it is one thing; the thought of being elderly, ill, destitute, and all alone. Of course, this can happen to widows and widowers as well. My grandmother was widowed in late middle-age and lived almost 4 decades as a widow. She never married again. But she was never ill, destitute, and all alone. Quite the contrary, she was always close to friends and family. But if you are single and never have any children, what family do you have when you are in your advanced years? If you get sick and have no money or any family around you, what can you do? You are utterly alone, forgotten, forlorn, and desperate. The desire for security leads me to seek for something to trust in this world. But God is ultimately the provider of all good things. He knows every need we have. God is able to provide finances, help and friends. He already has in other situations. Why would that change in the future? It also discounts the power of friendship. As long as I remain social and nurture healthy friendships, I don’t need to fear being forgotten and abandoned. Even if that did happen, God would stay constantly near me in my suffering until it was time to welcome me home to the place that he has been preparing for me. He promised, “Let not your heart be troubled. Trust in God. Trust also in me… I go to prepare a place for you.” (John 14:1-3). That is what Jesus told the disciples and it is true for all those who believe in him. So whether I marry eventually or not, it does not change the source of my security. There is no reason to fear. He also promised, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11).

There is someone I occasionally see who gets on my nerves. Mostly because he reminds me of what the culture of the American Dream values most and how it measures people. His conversation is mostly like this, “Steve Foster has done really well. He’s made a lot of money in Real Estate. He sold a 2 million dollar house on Lake Washington to one of the Seahawk players. He married Jill, one of the Meyer girls from the old neighborhood. They travel to Europe every year and take cruises. They have 3 great kids who have great jobs and make a very good living. The oldest just got married and her husband is a doctor. They bought their first house for over 700,000 dollars. They can afford it.” (names changed to protect the innocent. Ha Ha.) It is all about how much money people’s houses cost, having a great career, earning a high salary to pay for the house, and associating with well known people. He loves to drop names. It makes me nuts to listen to him for too long. I admit that it wouldn’t make me quite so frustrated if I had any of those things. It feeds into the part of me that still would like to have some security and to feel recognition and approval from the world around me. But I can’t buy into those values as the real measure of my worth as a person. I need to be more like another person I saw today. She is a feisty rebel and has never apologized for who she is. She has gone against the grain and led an unconventional life. She raised her children as a single mother when there were very few single parents. She worked in a male dominated career and provided successfully for her family. She is strong-willed, brash, funny, courageous. She is a risk-taker.

2005-07-09T13:52:00.001-07:00

The Lady Washington

2005-07-09T13:52:00.000-07:00

The Cuauhtemoc, from Mexico and the Pallada, from Russia

Rambling on and on

2005-07-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

I have updated my resume, written a new cover letter, and made a new contact information sheet list of former employers for reference purposes. I haven't actually applied for any jobs yet. I tried to make another appointment with the job counselor, but she didn't answer my voicemail. When I called again, a couple of days later, her box was full and couldn't take any new voice messages.

I had a really great chat with my sister on IM today. It is so great to be able to do that. We shared photos back and forth and talked about silly things and about preparations for their relocation back to Washington. After the chat I read her journal, which I do more since she has been writing a lot lately. She wrote a really expressive, touching entry a couple of days ago about how she is overwhelmed by her husband's imminent departure to get things started here in Washington. I had to write her an e-mail in response. I know she is stronger than she thinks she is. I can't express how I appreciate the ability of the Internet to help us keep in touch with so many people no matter where they are. Of course there are cell phones and lots of plans that have no long distance charges, at least within North America. Still, I'mthrilled with the power of Internet communication tools.

One of the things my sister and I love to talk about is one of our favorite shows, What Not To Wear. They had a special three episode installment last night called What Went Wrong with outtakes and the moment where the first and only person ever refused their offer. In the end, it was all very anticlimactic and I'm glad that I was multitasking by doing stuff on the computer while it was on.

Now let me tell you about some accidental shopping yesterday. I took my photos to get developed and wandered around the mall. I went into my Lane Bryant store and they had a blazer that fit me nicely, except for the sleaves of course. I always have to have sleaves shortened. Thank God that they sell petite length pants and jeans or I'd have to have the legs shortened on each pair. I don't have any blazers and I've been wanting to find one for about a year. They didn't have many and only two in my size, so I had to jump on it before it was too late. Today I dropped it off at the tailor to get the sleaves shortened and in one week I can pick it up.

The pictures from the Tall Ships Festival in Tacoma turned out well. I'll post a couple to the journal.

There has been a little drama about the neighbors' cat. She has been ill and then disappeared for a couple of weeks. She returned yesterday and Mom and the neighbors together took her to the vet. They were expecting to have to put her to sleep. She is down to 4 pounds and looks like a skeleton with ratty tufts of fur. It's hard to see her like that. Incredibly, the vet didn't find any critical medical issues other than a horrible flea infestation and probable worms. He advised treating those and was hopeful that she would recover well. She was purring and took food and water while she was there. She didn't act like she was ready to go. From now on She will spend most days at our house and evenings/nights next door. She will be carried over and custody transered by hand. We have had an unusual kind of cat sharing arrangement with our neighbors for several years. Don't ask me to explain the whole story, please. Mom will have to do that in her own journal.

Yesterday evening I happened upon American Splendor on cable TV. What a great, surprising find. It is refreshing, unique, sarcastic, gritty, and even warm hearted at times while not being sentimental in the slightest. Paul Giamatti gives a wonderful performance as Harvey. Between this movie, Sideways, and Cinderella Man, I feel he has earned himself a reputation as a virtuoso comic and character actor. It's the story of Harvey Pekar, an underground comic book writer (he doesn't do the illustrations although he does sketch the page layouts with stick figures). He basically started making an autobiography in comic book form and it is titled American Splendor. He became very well known among comic book fans and even made regular appearances on David Letterman for a while in the 80's. Note to self: remember to ask my brother-in-law if he has ever read any of the comics. They would perfectly suit his taste and off-beat sense of humor.

Coming out of Hiding

2005-06-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

I have been kind of hiding a bit since the end of class. I haven't known what to do with myself or what is next. I went into denial mode for a while. A couple of good things have happened in this time, though. I have started exercising with my mom. We both really need it. We do a Leslie Sansone one mile aerobic walking video. It has been about a week and a half since we started. We do it about every-other day. Last weekend I went on a weekend retreat called Walk to Emmaus. It was fantastic and I am really excited about getting started on things again. I needed to recharge my spiritual life and get a new perspective. I learned a lot and was really blessed. I recommend it highly. Weekends are offered all around the United States and even in other countries. It is similar to Cursillo, or Tres Dias.

In about 17-18 days my brother-in-law will arrive. He is coming ahead to look for a job before my sister comes. She'll continue her job in Oklahoma until He gets a job here. Then she'll sell their condo and come on over. I am excited and wondering how the transition will be for him and for my sister. I know it will be tough for her to stay in Oklahoma by herself.

I am going to go to Work Source Washington tomorrow and start gathering information about new jobs and what resources are available to help find work and get career guidance.

Party Prep

2005-06-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

Party! Today is the day. I've been preparing for the party most of the day. I'm excited. I made a special chocolate cake, called "Turtle Cake". It's from the Cake Doctor cookbook. I am not a baker, but this is not too difficult for me. Like the candy, it turns out really gooey with caramel, pecans and lots of chocolate. There is melted semi-sweet chocolate on the top! Other students are bringing tamales, chicken mole, and flan. My mouth is watering in anticipation. I hope that the couple with the new baby come with the whole family. I bought film for my camera and will take pictures to document the evening. I chose two songs that I've been practicing for the sing-a-long. They are Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, by The Beatles, and Country Roads, by John Denver. It's always a bit of a challenge to chose the right song because it has to be singable, have lyrics that aren't too difficult, and be playable on the guitar. I think these are fun songs and the students will be able to sing them pretty easily. I also have lots of great feelings about Country Roads because we used to listen to John Denver in the car on every road trip and vacation. We were usually camping. When I sing Country Roads I feel like I'm back driving over a mountain pass with my family. As much fun as we had, it was always so good to come home. We were all tired and missing the comforts of home after 10-12 days driving and camping.

Reunion

2005-06-04T17:36:00.000-07:00

I had a great visit with another old friend today. We met at Western Washington University and were roommates for a year. She still lives in Bellingham. I haven't seen her face to face in about 6 or 7 years. She brought me a late Christmas gift. We were going to see each other over the holidays, but that didn't work out. It was either illness or car trouble, I don't remember which. I had a small gift for her, too. We went out to lunch at a thai restaurant and then walked around the mall. We did a little shopping, too. Surprise, surprise. I needed some shower gel, so I bought a couple different fragrances and a matching salt scrub for one of them. I also had Real Woman dollar coupons to use at Lane Bryant and they are having their semi-anual sale on bras and panties. I stocked up. One of the bras is really pretty, kind of a periwinkle blue with some lace trim. Of course I bought some panties in a matching color as well as some white. Always useful, white. Don't know why you need to know the details of my little spree, except that since I'm soon to be unemployed I won't be going on a spree for a while. Could be a good while. Just thought I'd share the happiness and make the most of the moment. It's all useful basic stuff, too. I'm well stocked now and I even threw out any tired and worn stuff out of the drawer. It was fun shopping together. Over lunch and later a frozen fruit and tea drink in the food court, we talked about the old days and caught up on what's going on now. She works as a nursing assistant in a hospital and really enjoys it, although it is a challenging and stressful job. For her it is a ministry of mercy and help. We had good times in college, laughed a lot. Our favorite things to do were to get some munchies, stay up late and talk. There were dramatic times, too. It was college, of course. We had crushes and talked about guys a lot. I use guys because at that age they aren't boys but aren't really men either. We were also trying to figure out real life and grow up. I believed that one day I would have all the answers and everything would come together. I would have a map for the rest of my life and everything I needed to walk smoothly along that clear path. I realized around 29-30 years old that no one ever arrives at that point. There are always going to be surprises, crises, new challenges. That is what makes life exciting, sometimes scary, definitely not boring.

2005-06-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

Downed Tree Roots

2005-06-01T23:57:00.000-07:00

Silo thing?

2005-06-01T23:52:00.000-07:00

Wild Flowers

2005-06-01T23:44:00.000-07:00

Mt Ranier

Memorial Day Weekend

2005-05-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

It has been a great Memorial Day weekend. My friend came Friday morning and we had a relaxed day catching up. I took her to a taqueria that has fresh, authentic Mexican food. We both love Mexican food. We also watched As Time Goes By on DVD. It's a great British sitcom that my Mom loves. I bought her seasons 1 and 2 on DVD for Christmas last year. My friend has been having health problems and she really loves things that can make her laugh. I wanted to introduce her to this series and give her a little more laughter. She loved it. Over the course of the weekend we watched 7 episodes. Yesterday we drove to the base of Mount Ranier and enjoyed the perfect, sunny day. We ate a picnic lunch at Longmire with a gorgeous view of the mountain- chicken salad, a croisant, and an apple. I brought my guitar, so we found a place to sit and sing. I brought my camera and took some photos of the mountain and a meadow that we walked around. The trail is called "Trail of Shadows". On the way home, we stopped and I got some pictures of some metal sculptures at a place called "Spirits of Iron". There was also, further down the way, a rusted metal thing that looked kind of like a silo but I don't know exactly what it was. It was really interesting so I took a picture of that, too. I'll put any really good pictures up on the site after I get them developed. I haven't switched to digital photography yet. I still use a 35 milimeter camera and have to develop the rolls as I finish them. This roll has 3 pictures left. Maybe I'll take a few pictures of the neighbors' cat. Her name is Scruffy and she comes to visit regularly.

Today my friend went home. After she left, my parents and I went to see my Grandfather and put flowers on some family graves. It has been a full day. Grandpa was not feeling well a couple of weeks ago and got dehydrated. He actually went to the emergency room. He's much better now. His appetite is back.

Preparing for Memorial Day Weekend

2005-05-26T22:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning a friend of mine is coming over for the weekend. We were both teaching in Korea and now she lives in Washington State. I won't be writing for a few days, but I'm sure I'll have a fun story or two to tell. Today there was no class because the elementary school that hosts us is having teacher in-service days today and tomorrow. There were 4 students again last night. We planned a party for the last day of class which will be June 8. I am practicing my guitar. I restrung it on Tuesday. We'll sing a couple of songs at the party. There will also be delicious tamales and posole made by my students. Yum! I can't wait.

Today I've been cleaning and clearing out clutter to get ready for my friends visit. It feels great to get things cleared out.

I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to go to the theatre to see Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith or just wait till it's on video or cable TV. I was so dissapointed in the first to prequels. But the chance to see the actual transition from Anakin to Darth Vader and complete the whole series is tempting. I have read pretty good reviews of it. Hmmm. . .

Starting Over

2005-05-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like I did abandon my online journal. I didn’t intend to and now I’m back. I have been working one part-time job. It looks like that will be finished in two weeks. There has not been good attendance at the class (usually 2-3 students) and the administration decided not to continue the class during the summer. That means that whatever momentum and involvement there is now will be lost. Starting in the fall will be like beginning from scratch. I don’t think they have the commitment to this program to do that (marketing, recruiting, promoting). The supervision switched from the main campus of the college to a closer but smaller satellite campus. They have been a little overwhelmed trying to deal with this class (testing, support for registration and whatnot). I like my supervisor a lot but she really seems overworked and overwhelmed. She has told me to look for another job and most likely there will not be a Fall session at the elementary school site. I’m sad but also a little relieved. The dwindling class has been a bit discouraging and it has been hard for me to keep motivated. Last night was great, though. There were 4 students. That was a record attendance in the last three weeks. Pretty sad, huh. I have been seriously thinking about leaving teaching and starting something else. Library is one idea that I have thought about and even discussed in this journal. I also would really like to talk to a professional career counselor, someone who has reliable information resources and knowledge about what kind of possibilities are out there. I really just want a full time job that is reliable and provides medical benefits. I know that job security is an illusion these days. I’m not looking for 25 years and a gold watch guarantee. But there must be something more secure than adult education where everything is dependant on a grant and up and down student enrollment. Something that at least is going to be secure for a couple of years. Perhaps that’s too much to ask, but I don’t think so. At least this class is going to finish well. I’ve already talked to them about organizing a party for the last day of class. Everyone can bring some food and we’ll enjoy a good celebration. They were excited about it. I would like to invite some of the students who are not attending anymore but who came for a long time. I think it would be great if a few of them would come.

I have been thinking a lot about this but haven’t done anything about it. I really should call the college HR department and see what kind of counseling I can get while I’m still an employee. I should also look into what jobs may be available in the college’s library. I haven’t acted on that yet, though. My supervisor did give me a couple of names of library staff to talk to. Yes, I am really good at avoidance when I’m starting something new and embarking on an activity that I dislike. I really do hate looking for a job. I need to change that attitude though. It is exciting, an adventure. New ideas and new opportunities await.

So, what have I been doing with myself? Watching too much TV, occasionally feeling sorry for myself, enjoying my computer, reading. I discovered a new TV show that I like. It’s called Starting Over. There is a group of women living in a house and each one of them has something to overcome. One woman is trying to repair broken relationships in her life, another is seeking to find her own identity apart from her famous sister (Tony Braxton). Each woman has a goal or a challenge to face and they live together as they work with life coaches and a consulting psychiatrist. Together they learn to heal and face their fears as they transform their lives.

I purchased a laptop about a little over a month ago. I haven’t had my very own computer since I left Massachusetts and abandoned the PC that I purchased when I went back to school for my Masters degree. I used it for 5 years and I discovered the Internet on that computer. My new computer is a notebook and I love it. I’ve never used a notebook computer before. I like the portable size and flexibility of it. I don’t have one of the small 12-13 inch ones. Those are just too cramped and uncomfortable. Not to mention that the screen is so small and annoying to read. I think the tiny ones are great for traveling and when you really take it everywhere. This is a widescreen (15.4 inch) and the keyboard is comfortable for everyday use. I can also watch DVD’s on it, which is great. I can now watch any of my DVD’s upstairs in my bedroom no matter who is watching the big TV downstairs that the DVD player is attached to. I started a journal on my new computer and perhaps I will post some of those entries. I must honestly admit that I am a little hesitant to do that because they are a little raw and revealing. Some of them I wrote as prayers and I doubt that I’ll put them up on the Internet. Yes, I do have my limits and boundaries.

Fun highlights:

I went to the Seattle Opera with my Mom on Mother’s Day and saw Tales of Hoffman. What a fabulous treat that was. It was a marvelous production and wonderfully entertaining, especially the hilarious first act. I wonder if it is always so funny. They really played it for all the laughs. The three acts tell about the three doomed loves of Hoffman’s life. The first act tells how he fell in love with a robot. He was wearing special rose colored glasses at the time so he believed she was a living woman. (Don’t ask, it’s opera and it never makes sense.)

Last Saturday I went to Seattle and met an old college friend at the street fair in the U District. I hadn’t seen her since November. There were lots of arts and crafts, musicians, and yummy food booths. We listened to a fun blue grass/country/rock style band. I had a blackened salmon sandwich which was delicious. We had dinner later at a Greek restaurant called Costas. I bought a beautiful bracelet of carnelian, agate, and yellow jade with matching earrings.

Discovering the Power of Joy (a laptop backlog entry)

2005-05-18T11:39:00.000-07:00

How has my understanding of God’s will and purpose for my life changed as a result of studying the book of Acts this year in BSF? I know the first answer to the question “Why am I here?” is simply this. To be a witness to the gospel of Christ and what I have seen God do. Similar to Paul’s commission. It’s also the commission that Jesus himself gave to all the disciples before he ascended into heaven. “You will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, Samaria and the whole world.” “Go, and make disciples”. There are a lot of details to be worked out. But that is the ultimate goal; that is the eternal fruit.

God’s specific plans for me and his priorities are different from mine. That has caused some discomfort and some resistance from me. To be honest, it still does. I want to be happy, comfortable, and enjoy life while I’m here on earth. I want low stress, my needs and wants abundantly met. In this culture, I have learned that it’s not enough just to have my needs met, but they should be met instantly. I don’t want to wait for things. I want to have control over my time, my environment, my job, my food cravings catered to, to be able to shop when I want to shop, and to have the things that I think I should have. I want to enjoy time with friends. I don’t like change too much, so I would like it on my terms and to keep the things that I want to keep. I want to experience the happiness, comfort and affection of loving a special man and having a good marriage. I want to feel accepted, loved and that I have a secure place and know where I belong in this world. I want to feel worthy of the respect of others. Some of these things are not bad things. Some of these things are pure selfishness. Some of these things are going along with the expectations and definitions of the world.

God has good plans, but they don’t place a priority on my happiness and enjoyment of the details and circumstances of my life. Not that he wants me to be miserable and that pleasure and enjoyment are automatically wrong or contrary to God’s plan. God has something deeper and more real, though. Joy. Joy does not depend on any outside circumstances, experiences, or even emotions (which are fleeting and are mere responses). Joy is rooted in deep knowledge and confidence in real truth. Joy gives strength, hope, and peace in all circumstances. Joy grasps God’s unfailing love and rock solid character to provide a foundation. Joy allows believers to obey willingly and endure life’s trials and suffering. Not just endure, but overcome and grow through the suffering- giving glory to God and witnessing to the world the power and truth of the gospel.

What's with relationships? (a laptop backlog entry)

2005-05-12T16:03:00.000-07:00

I feel lost and adrift, questioning everything about my life. What I have I done with my life? What do I want to do? Everything is unsettled and up in the air. That is nothing new, but today it is bothering me. Qustions are nagging. Especially one question. Do I want to be in a relationship and eventually get married or not? What is it? There are so few single Christian men my age. There is one single man at the church I attend and he is quite standoffish. I tried at the Christian Singles group at MSN. Nothing there, either. I haven’t tried too hard, there, though. It’s not primarily a dating site, anyway. It’s for fellowship. The situation seems so completely hopeless. Besides, how can I meet someone new and tell him about my life when I have no idea what’s what in my life? Truth is that I’m soon to be unemployed, have no decent job prospects and no career momentum. I want to start something new but have no idea what direction to go or how to go about it. Not to mention that I live with my parents and don’t know when I’ll have the financial resources to move out and reliably support myself. Yeah, that sounds like a great introduction. He’ll judge me as some flaky, lazy idiot who hasn’t done anything with her life and is unlikely to have anything to bring to any happy life together. Truth is that right at this moment that is how I feel about myself. I am already judging myself. I don’t believe that I deserve a wonderful man. I have nothing to offer. I think that’s the biggest reason that I can’t bring myself to subscribe to eHarmony again, not because I truly don’t desire to be married. But why? Why do I want to be married? Why do I think that it would improve my life? I don’t believe the purpose of marriage is to make yourself happy. Marriage requires commitment, work, compromise, putting the other first, responsibility. It means a lot of changes and talking about issues like children or no children and things that I just don’t even have to worry about now. It is a transforming relationship. Iron sharpening iron and all that. Of course there is joy, affection, intimacy, mutual support and other good things that go along with it. But marriage is not a panacea to take away all insecurity, questions, loneliness, etc. So why do I still think that it is important to me? Maybe because right now it would be lovely to have someone come along and tell me that he likes me, cares about me, and thinks I am worth spending time with. Someone to make me feel like I am a special person when I feel like such a loser. But that is looking for validation and worth in the wrong place. God tells me that I am special. Just like the quote and the verses from yesterday, He created me and knew me from always. He loves me so much that he gave his life for me. That is what makes me special; no human love or human praise can compare with that. Validation is not a reason to want a relationship. So, just hold on to God and quit whining. If he has a relationship, he’ll make it happen. I go back and forth. I hardly dare to dream that someone could come into my life because it seems like setting myself up for disappointment. I am sometimes content and don’t think about it at all. Still, all around me are reminders that most other people date and eventually find a husband or a wife to share their lives. Not to mention the obsession with sex in our culture. It makes me feel like a freak sometimes. I would like to express those desires and that aspect of myself with someone that I love and trust. On the other hand I know that there is a lot more to life than just that. My identity as a feminine woman does not depend on that.

Comfort (a laptop backlog entry)

2005-05-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

Quote from TV series Jeremiah spoken by Mr. Smith, a prophet character, to another character as a message to her from God.

I saw your face before you were born,
I knew your name before it was spoken,
I heard your voice before you cried at birth.
I bring only beautiful things into this world;
And you will, too, in your time.

This echoes several passages in scripture. It almost paraphrases the beginning of Psalm 139.

Other verses that echo aspects of this message:
Isaiah 62:3-4
John 15:5, 7-8
Jeremiah 1:5

I loved this so much when I heard it sometime last year as I watched the apocalyptic sci-fi series Jeremiah. I rewound the scene so I could write down the words. It comforted me deeply when I had been unemployed for months. I knew that there was biblical truth in it. I put the scrap of paper with this quote and the scripture references in my wallet so I could look at it and read it anytime. Now I am struggling again with my purpose and worth. I am wondering what my career path should be. This is again a comfort to me. God’s truth is always helpful. God, help me to grow in you and bear fruit for your kingdom. I’m still rough and unfinished, but you see the completed masterwork of your finished design in me. Help me to daily submit to your molding and not fight you. I want to be what you meant me to be, whatever that is. Help me to see your vision and trust you completely to provide and equip me for every task that you ask me to do. Fill me with joy and passion for your will, your work, and your Kingdom.

Rambling Reflections (a laptop backlog entry)

2005-04-29T18:44:00.000-07:00

Today is the day I’m leaving for the Kingdom Weekend retreat. I hope that it is really good. I’m sure it will be. I just took a shower. I’m mostly packed. I bought a really good movie today with a coupon and double points on my movie club membership. Starting Over is going to be on TV any minute. I like that show. I think of my parents’ house as a starting over house for me; it is just taking a long time for me to graduate. The show today was dealing a lot with hidden anger and a woman who is denying and obstructing any discussion or work on her anger. It was interesting. It made me wonder if I have a well of hidden anger. I think I do let some anger build up, but then at some point I usually vent it and own up to what has made me angry. I usually cry and write and pray it out. Sometimes I’ve been angry at myself, sometimes at God, at situations.

Anger List: The biggest things I’ve been angry about at one time or another in the past two years

Not finding a job
Not finding a husband
Myself being lazy or procrastinating
Being pressured into commitments that I don’t want to make
Having nothing to show for what I’ve been doing with my life, feeling that I’ve wasted my life.
That I sometimes fail to keep in communication with friends that I care about, not replying to e-mail or sending them a letter or calling when I say that I will.
Having to wait and wait without knowing when or how God is going to provide for something that I need or that I think that I need.
Being ignored by all those men at eHarmony

Well, that is a starter list. There may be some things just simmering under the surface. Last year about this time I went to the Kingdom Weekend and didn’t realize how angry I was at God for not meeting the expectations that I had. I felt that I had been working hard at doing the right thing and building a new life here and it wasn’t going very well. I was working at a job that I didn’t like and was just a temporary thing. I had been working hard at eHarmony and found only rejection. I had really imagined getting a career started and a wonderful, loving relationship that would turn into a lasting marriage. I had dreamed that a whole new and exciting life would start. I was really angry because things in my new life were not shaping into what I hoped for and it was deeply disappointing. I felt that God owed me the fulfillment of some of those dreams because I was trying my best to do what I thought was right. Not that I was living perfectly and I still am not living perfectly. But I was trying my best.

Where have I come since last year? Have I made any progress in my walk with God or in my new life in Washington State? I’m in a job that is very precarious and may possibly end permanently in about a month. But it is a teaching job at a community college, which is exactly what I was dreaming about. I had another teaching job for several months and that one ended due to a lack of students and due to, partly, my lack of ability to handle the incredibly diverse needs and desires of the students. I tried my best and I prayed really hard for wisdom and creativity and insight. It just didn’t work out that well and I wasn’t really sad when it was over because I was also really stressed out by the way things were run there and it was not a great working environment for me. There were communication problems which led to not having important information about the schedule or other things I needed to be able to do my job well and give the students the right information about programs and events.

I quit eHarmony and have had some temptation to start again, but haven’t renewed my membership. I won’t say that I never will. I still have a profile there and I haven’t closed it out. But I am less and less tempted to open the membership because I feel that everything in my life is still too unsettled. I think if I had a more secure job that paid me fairly well and I was moved in to an apartment, then I would be much more tempted to open the membership up. I am embarrassed by my present circumstances still and don’t want to have to tell a man who may start communicating with me that I live with my parents and don’t have a car or a dependable job. I don’t believe that he would accept me. I’m not sure that I accept my circumstances fully. Sometimes I feel like such a loser and a failure because I can’t support myself. Then I tell myself that God doesn’t judge me by my paycheck or by what I do or own. He still loves me. That is true. He does love me unconditionally and my worth and my salvation are not based on my acts or on worldly success.

God defines success very differently. But I still can’t help being angry with myself and I get depressed because I feel like a failure, not knowing know how to build this new life. I am angry because I had the dream jobs that I wanted and they weren’t the answer. I am seriously thinking of not teaching anymore and finding another career path. I don’t even know what career path I should follow. I have not been able to manage my professional life well. But I do praise God that with the money that I made in Korea and the money that I have made in the piece meal jobs I have been working at here and there that I am almost out of debt. I don’t have any credit card debt at all. I am still paying my student loan and I have not missed a payment once in almost two years since I’ve been here. That is such a huge load off. That debt was killing and choking me in Massachusetts and it seemed I would never be out from under it.

Thank you, God. Praise you for always provided what I really need. You have proven yourself totally faithful. Yet still I seek to build a little scaffold of worldly security that I can lean on so that I don’t have to get in a tight spot and wonder how you are going to get me out of it. You always do, but I get so frustrated in the middle of it. Sometimes I do trust and I know your peace in the middle. But often I run around in my own strength exhausting myself because I’m panicked in the darkness and don’t trust that the light is going to come before it’s too late. I get embarrassed when I have to tell strangers about my life because I feel that they judge me the way that the worldly part of my mind judges me- as a failure and a slacker. Progress that I’ve made is that I don’t expect God to just grant my wishes because I try to please him. I have had part of my dream come true. I saw that it wasn’t the answer that I expected.

Now I’m ready to quit teaching. What next? What dream? I don’t know. Dreams lead to disappointment anyway. There is only security and happiness in eternity. No dream can satisfy now in this life. Then what is the point of dreaming and making goals? Well, they can be helpful to motivate you and get you going in the right direction. God has plans for me. Those plans are for good- to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future. Ultimately that is in eternity. But I do believe that he has positive things for me in this life, too. His plans will help me to have the most fulfilling and satisfying life possible for me in this world. It may not be materially rich and satisfying that way. But there are many kinds of “riches”. I ask God to help me see his vision and to help me be passionate about the things that He wants me to do. I have no idea what the results will be. It is a little scary that way because I like to feel a little bit more in control.

I love Spring Break

2005-04-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday and the school is on Spring break next week, so I will have a bit of a vacation. It's nice to be so relaxed. I love having free time. I'm definitely not a workaholic, though I do enjoy teaching. My students are so kind and they really want to learn. It's so exciting to help them prepare to meet goals and learn skills that will make their lives here much better. They also treat each other like family. It's a community. Let me give an example. We had class on Ash Wednesday. There were 9 students there and all of them except 2 left early to go to the Catholic church 1/2 a block away. The two students and I enjoyed infomal class for the last 20 minutes. The next evening one of the two faithful students told me about what happened after class. She and the other woman who stayed were walking to her car in the parking lot. It was dark and the parking lot was empty. They saw that there was a truck parked next to her car. As they drew closer, they saw that there was a man in the truck. The truck's door opened and the man stepped out. The two women were quite scared. The man approached them and suddenly they recognized him as one of their classmates. He had brought ashes from the church and carried them in his hand to mark their forheads with a cross. She laughed as she told me the story.

What plans do I have for the break? Enjoy my free time by watching movies, relaxing, reading, shopping.

No, I haven't abandonned this journal

2005-03-25T23:33:00.000-08:00

I just finished (at 2:40 this afternoon) the last paperwork for Winter Quarter 2005 and I feel like celebrating. This week was the first week of classes for Spring Quarter 2005. Three weeks ago I was let go from the other job because the registration has been going down. They didn’t have enough students to offer me any hours. This week I was substituting for my friend who is still teaching for them. She is the one who gave them my name and helped me get the job. Things have been busy, stressful and I’ve been bordering on depressed. It showed in being very negative and grumpy at home. Every little thing felt like a big problem and took a lot of energy and made me anxious. My mom actually told me that I had been acting miserable for a while. I was trying to deal with things in my own strength and not setting my mind and my hope in God. I’ve barely been keeping up with my Bible study and kind of just going through the motions.

Last weekend my aunt, uncle, and cousins came for a visit. My oldest cousin, who got married a few weeks after I returned from Korea, had a baby 8 months ago. None of us here in Washington have seen him. He is my grandfather’s first great-grandchild. We were all thrilled to see him and he is a wonderful, easy-going baby with strawberry blond hair and the biggest, brightest blue eyes you can imagine. It was also my aunt’s birthday and we had a great time as a family. I hadn’t seen my cousins at all since the wedding in September 2003. We went to a PBR (Professional Bull Riding) show in Tacoma. It was a lot of fun. That weekend was the only truly enjoyable thing that I can remember in the last month.

My sister and her husband are really getting serious about getting up here soon. They are actually starting to look at house listings. It also looks like they will bring the youngest kid with them. She is 14 or 15 years old. My brother-in-law had two children with his first wife. They have been married for 5 years and don’t have any children together. They don’t want any more children. The two girls have been living with their mother, but there have been a lot of problems lately. Their mother has been having terrible fights with her live-in boyfriend.

February: Valentine's Day, Birthday, and Super Bowl

2005-02-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

This has been a great weekend. I had a good meeting with my supervisor from the community college to start getting ready for what needs to be finished for the end of the quarter which is in the middle of March. Yes, just over a month away. It is really comforting, though, to start getting ready now because I know that things will get hectic and overwhelming if I don’t think ahead and keep up. So far I’ve been doing well with that.

My birthday is this month. I took some of my first paychecks and bought myself a piece of jewelry. There was a one-day sale at the store and I got a really good deal. The pendant was already 50% off and then the one-day sale added another 20% discount. It’s a fairly large, square, peridot with lots of facets so the light really dances and makes it brilliant. Peridot is my current favorite gemstone other than amethyst. Of course, amethyst is my birthstone. I am wearing the pendant right now and I really love how it looks. The chain is at just the right length , so it is sitting level with my collar-bone which is very flattering. It makes a lovely set with the peridot earrings that I have and a silver and green turquoise ring that I have.

Hey, if you don’t have a special someone to buy you jewelry, then you have to buy it for yourself. Seriously, ladies. If you can, you deserve it. Don’t go overboard, of course; be responsible. But if you like pretty jewelry, don’t wait until some man decides to buy one for you. I also consider the pendant a consolation gift for not having any valentine to look forward to. I don’t get as bothered by this holiday as I used to. It used to be a difficult and painful reminder of something I felt was missing. I was alone, left out in the cold. I no longer feel incomplete, but it is still a reminder of a dream that I have left behind. I have not re-opened a membership at eHharmony and I think it unlikely that I will do so. I did get slightly snippy when someone at church suggested that I go to the sweetheart dinner. He just wanted to sell a ticket and raise more money. There is still a little bit of a nerve there, but it does not hurt nearly the way that it used to years ago.

Our Super Bowl menu is barbecued beef sandwiches, potato salad, and jalepeno poppers. We have a great recipe for simple and relatively light jalepeno poppers. The filling is low-fat cream cheese with a little bit of low-fat cheddar and some fat-free mayonnaise. You cut the peppers in half lengthwise and spoon out all the seeds. Now you can put the filling into each half. Then you dip the side with the filling into egg-white and then into a small bowl of crushed corn flakes. So, just the top half is “breaded”, and the corn flakes are really crunchy. Then you bake them at 375 degrees for 25-30 minutes. They are not deep-fried, which cuts a lot of fat. They are pretty healthy and taste great! We love them!

Hello Again

2005-01-28T01:15:00.000-08:00

This month has been hectic, exciting, scary, exhausting, and an adventure. Time has flown and I have barely had time to keep up with laundry, e-mail, and anything oustide of work. I think I'm starting to breathe a little bit more now and things are settling into a smoother rhythm. The students are mostly great and I am enjoying working with them. One school has mostly Korean students and the other is all Spanish speaking students. The class that I have enjoyed the most so far is the integrated skills class (that means reading, writing, speaking and listening) based on the theme of stories and storytelling. We started with folktales, then biography/autobiography and finally some drama. I think I'll read one story for an audioblogger entry. Now just to choose. Now it's the weekend. Well, I have a meeting tomorrow (Friday) and some planning to do and assignment grades to record. I can at least do a lot of that at home and be relaxed. An old college friend that I haven't seen in many years will come and visit me on Saturday. That is exciting. I'll be sure and write about it. I think I'm starting to get settled again and I'm finding time for things, like keeping this journal.

First Week Jitters

2005-01-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

Well, the first week of my first term at both schools was chaotic, hectic, exciting, and the lessons went pretty well. I knew the beginning of the term at two new schools was going to be crazy and it was. Overall, though, it went really well and better than I expected in some ways. The big challenges were classroom changes (due to buildings with no heat), a lot of new students strolling through the door (there’s continuous enrollment at the community college site), and last minute schedule changes (a welcome assembly lunch that nobody told me was rescheduled and I walked to the opposite side of campus with my students to find that there was nobody there and nothing happening that day). There was also great news. My community college class is now more than full and they hired a Teaching Assistant for me. She will be able to handle all the registration headaches when any other new students come in. There is a limit, however, of 32 students “regularly attending” and after that we will have to start a waiting list. That will work well, though, because it will encourage everyone to attend class; I can tell them that if they miss too many classes in a row that there are people waiting to take their spot in the class. I met my TA yesterday and she hasn’t had experience teaching but she is really a quick learner; I helped my supervisor train her to do registration and intake testing. She seems like a natural and I know that the students will love her. I’ve never had a TA before, so it will be a learning experience for me. I have to find the best way to delegate and communicate lesson plans and what I want her to do. If the class attendance stays high, it will be wonderful to have her help me monitor the students when they are practicing conversation in pairs. It takes a long time for one person to get around to 15 or 16 pairs and they get bored or you can’t make it around to everyone and the students don’t get the attention or help that they deserve.

Thursday evening was really great. I felt like it was my birthday and I was just giddy like a little girl. First of all, a friend left a funny and really nice message for me on voicemail. I checked it right after I was finished with my first job and was getting ready to go to the community college class. It cracked me up. Then I called Mom and found out that the community college class was cancelled due to expected snow and ice that evening. As if that wasn’t enough, she told me that the community college had hired a TA for me. I wasn’t expecting that either. I was really exhausted after the first week of classes and to be able to go home early and know that next week I would have someone to help me deal with registration and stuff was amazing and wonderful. It all came just like a big rush of wonderful gifts. Then my parents decided that we would all go out to dinner. They usually have a meeting that night, but due to the weather reports their meeting had been cancelled just like my class. It felt like a big surprise party celebration. I was overjoyed and had a great time relaxing. I caught up on some sleep the next morning.

Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep. I ended up doing a couple of loads of laundry and watched Samurai X, an anime movie, on Cable. It was very beautiful to look at, but the tone was sad. The love story was sweet but the characters were so sullen and full of grief, regret and suffering. Overall, I don’t highly recommend it. I was having trouble settling down because so many things were rattling around in my brain, details for next week’s classes and what not. I ended up making a list and then my mind could shut down because I knew that I wouldn’t forget any thing that I wanted/needed to do. It will be easier next week, anyway. The foundations have been laid and the students and I are oriented to classrooms, schedule, and each other.

Ready for the New Year

2004-12-30T20:22:00.000-08:00

Lots of work has been done. But I still found time on Monday to watch nearly 5 hours of Return of the King: Extended Edition. All I can say about that trilogy is,"Amazing." I got the ROTK DVD for Christmas from my parents. It was the only thing that I wanted. They were also generous and got me a few things on top of that. It was more than I expected. I was surprised by a beautiful rubber stamp of large poppies and shimmery, pearlized watercolor pigments to go with it.

Ok, what work has been accomplished? Well, I have my class syllabi finished and that feels so good. I am getting excited about the beginning of classes. Before this week I was a little bit terrified about the first day. I had a horrible time falling to sleep one night, sometime before Christmas, because I was so nervous and all the things I had to do and questions were spinning in my head. Mom, in a wise moment, told me that I should remember that I am not doing this alone and that God would not have given me more than I could handle. I woke up and she had printed out some scriptures on cards and taped them in my room and in my bathroom.
Here are a couple of them.
Romans 8:15 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received a spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

My sister told us that she and her husband should be moving to Washington sometime in the fall of 2005. I am so excited and I will prepare to move out of the house. I am already thinking about what would be a good location. I don't know if I’ll move out by myself or try and share an apartment with someone. We’ll see. Mom is especially pleased. She mentioned twice today how great it will be to have Jan and Kevin living locally. She was imagining next year’s holidays with all of us together.

We had split pea soup tonight that was made with the bone of the ham and the last of the leftover meat. Oh, so good. We had asiago cheese bread from Safeway, toasted up to go with the soup. Perfect combination and finished off with Pino Grigio, a white wine. I love split pea soup. Except when I was a kid and would throw a fit each year at Maundy Thursday Soup Supper at church because it was always split pea soup. I didn’t like it until I tried it again sometime in college. Now I love it. Sorry about the fits, Mom. Funny how tastes change.

The After Christmas Rush

2004-12-26T18:19:00.000-08:00

I worked my last shift at the Lane Bryant today. Of course, it was quite busy being the day after Christmas, but that made the time fly. There were lots of us working so it wasn’t overwhelming and went smoothly. I had to get to the mall two-and-a-half hours before my shift started because Mom and Dad had to be at church early. My shift started at 11:00 am, around the time that their service would be ending. So I brought some prep materials with me and sat in the foodcourt getting some things ready for next Monday, the start of classes. I also did some shopping since it was the last day for my employee discount and they are having a great sale. I spent some Christmas money that Grandpa gave me and put the rest on my card. I bought bras, a pair of boot-cut jeans, and a couple of shirts. Many of my coworkers were there so I got to say goodbye to them. Of course I will see them when I go in as a customer later. I sure won’t need new clothes for a while, though. The “girls” that work there work hard but treat each other like family and know how to have fun while working.

I didn't have time to eat the ham sandwich I had made in case I got a 15-minute break and could eat. After my purse and all my bags had been looked through (routine after each shift to prevent employee theft) and I had started walking to the door, I realized that I had left the sandwich in the fridge in the break room. I was really hungry, too. I went to the threshold of the store and my manager saw me. I told her that I had forgotten my sandwich. She was the same one who had just looked through all my stuff and didn't really want to do it again. She said, "Let me go back and get it." and returned quickly. Then I took all my stuff out to the parking lot to find Dad. I didn't see him right away and he told me that he'd be in front. I put my bags on top of a truck and got my phone out to call him. He doesn't usually pick me up and he can get impatient. But before I could hit the speed dial, there he was. I quickly grabbed bags and trotted to the car with all my stuff, except for the sandwich. I left the small bag with the sandwich on the hood of that truck in the parking lot. I realized it when we were half-way home. At first I was really disappointed, but then we laughed. He said that mall security would probably have dogs sniff it for drugs or explosives and call the police, who would send it to be tested for biological or chemical weapons. "It might be on the news tonight" he smirked. "Oh, yeah. Mall closed after suspicious ham sandwich with swiss cheese and dijon mustard was found left in the parking lot. No suspects have been identified yet."

When I got home I relaxed, watching a movie (Bulletproof Monk) with Dad. It was silly story but fun. I also found a treasure on the Sundance channel, La Jetee. It’s an experimental French short film that inspired the movie 12 Monkeys. I watched it while I taped it. Even though it's just half-an-hour long, I was so tired that I kind of dozed a couple of times. I have read about the movie, but have never seen it or thought that I would get the chance. The most interesting thing is that it is all still shots. Sometimes there is some camera movement to zoom in on part of a photo, but the pictures do not move. It sounds like it could be stilted and perhaps kind of boring, but it’s not. There is still a sense of movement in some parts, especially the quick succession of photos at the end of the man running. After seeing the original inspiration, I know where Terry Gilliam, who directed 12 Monkeys, got the idea for the strange optical gear that the “scientists” or “doctors” wear when they examine the man. Terry took it a lot farther, though, and it worked really well in 12 Monkeys. As I write this, a furry tabby, Scruffy, the neighbor’s cat, is laying across my arms. It makes it a little hard to write, but she keeps my arms warm.

Christmas Eve

2004-12-24T14:52:00.000-08:00

My Favorite Things About Christmas
1. God, out of love, humbled himself to take human form and live with us. Immanuel: God With Us.
2. Lights and candles everywhere
3. Family and friends getting together
4. Christmas Music
5. The smell (and taste) of pumpkin pie
6. Eggnog Latte
7. The Charlie Brown Christmas Special
8. The movie, A Christmas Story - not to be confused with A Christmas Carol. If you’ve seen it, you know what I mean. I hope you have seen it.

I know it should be 5 or 10 to be an ideal number, but this is everything I wanted to include and there is nothing else that I really want to add.

This year is a rather low-key but nice Christmas. We are going up to spend the day with Grandpa like we did on Thanksgiving. The dinner will be much simpler, though. Here is the menu: Ham, scalloped potatoes, salad, baby brusselsprouts, Pillsbury crescent rolls, and pumpkin pie. I know, I know, but we actually like brusselsprouts.

I’m not going to the midnight service at my parent’s church, though. (No, I don’t go to the same church as my parents. I have attended occasional holiday services with them at their church, though.) I closed at Lane Bryant twice this week and things have been busy. I just don’t have the energy to do it. I went last year and enjoyed it, even though it is terribly long. My church has an earlier service, at 7:00 and I’ll go there and spend the rest of the evening relaxing quietly alone with beautiful Christmas music and candles. If I can’t get my parents to watch the Charlie Brown special with me this afternoon, then I’ll watch it before I start the music.

There was debate about when to open our presents this year. Because we want to get on the road quickly so that the ham can get in the oven in time for an early dinner we thought tonight might be a good time. I want to sleep a little later and keep the morning simple. We ended up deciding to wait until tomorrow night after we have returned from Grandpa’s. That sounded best. We won’t be overtired and we can just have some quiet, relaxed time opening a few gifts after everything is over. There are very few presents, actually. I couldn’t even afford to buy any this year. I’m giving cards- and they still aren’t in the mail. I know, I’m bad. But a couple times when I was in Korea there were no presents from anyone, and it didn’t really matter. I don’t care much about that, except it is fun when you can take the time to plan special gifts and see people open them up. It is also great fun to be surprised with something wonderful that you never thought of.

I hope that you are having a Merry Christmas wherever you are, celebrating with people you love.

Progress Continues

2004-12-19T23:57:00.000-08:00

Today was the pageant and it was so much fun. Everyone, especially the kids, did a great job. We in the "ladies’ aid" had a blast and got good laughs, too. One woman came up to me and said that we reminded her of a group of women in the church that she grew up in. One of ladies that played the part actually acts sort of like that in real life, except for the gossipy and slightly mean spirited part. She is just kind of a den mother sort of boss type, organizing and keeping everyone in line.

The Christmas cards are well under way. I’ve finished all the stamping and printed out the insert that I’ll glue in and use to write on. I put a verse on it. "Arise, shine for your light has come and the glory of the Lord rises upon you." (Isaiah 60:1) I chose a verse about light because the picture on the front of the card has 3 candles. Jesus also called himself "The Light of the World." I have decorative scissors that make a nice scalloped edge to the paper. I’m cutting out all the inserts with those scissors and I’m really happy with how it’s turning out. Now I just have to finish assembly, write on the cards, and address them. Ooh, there is plenty of work left.

I’m starting to get a cold, so I’m taking some Zinc stuff to help it go away fast and hopefully not turn into a full blown head and chest cold. I can’t afford that right now. There are too many important things happening right now and I need all the strength and energy I have. I told my head manager at Lane Bryant about my new jobs and that I didn’t want to be scheduled for any hours after December 26th. She was totally fine with that and very excited and supportive of my new opportunities. The people at the store have been really great to work with. Even though it has been stressful learning the retail job, I’m glad that I did it and it provided exactly what I needed right now. I’ll have even more fun whenever I shop there in the future.

A friend told me about one of the communities at MSN groups. It is called Christian Singles. It is not focused on dating and they actually don’t allow you to post "personal ad" messages. It is a place for fellowship, encouragement and friendship. Of course, some people meet and end up dating. But that is not the main focus. I really like it. I introduced myself and have been warmly welcomed. In fact, we are beginning to plan a meeting of members who live in the Pacific Northwest. The place and time is still to be determined, sometime in 2005 of course. I haven't joined eHarmony again and am less certain that I will. I have some matches still on hold while I figure out what I should do. It will probably a month before I can afford it, anyway. Even so, I find my interest and desire to go back to that form of matchmaking is lessening. It is pretty pressurized. I tried it for a year already. I think I may finally be finished with it.

Preparations

2004-12-11T11:29:00.000-08:00

It’s been longer than usual between entries. Things have been pretty busy. We had an orientation/training meeting for new teachers at the community college. It was all about paperwork, record keeping, testing and registration of new students. Since these are off-site classes, most of the students won’t/can’t come to the main campus to register. There is also a continuous enrollment policy which allows students to enter the class anytime in the first 8 weeks. So the off-site instructors are responsible for intake testing and registration for all the new students who arrive at our site. I can have a teaching assistant to take care of that. Right now, there is not one available. I am free to recommend anyone (not a relative) whom I think would be a good candidate and give them my supervisor’s phone number. It was a 5 hour meeting and there was so much information and everything that my head was literally spinning when it was all over. I had also worked a 5 hour shift at the store that day and gone directly to campus for the meeting.

This morning I am resting and catching my breath. I’ve had some fun, too. I spent Tuesday afternoon window shopping and having coffee with an old friend from college. It was great. She doesn’t live very close, so I don’t see her often. She also has an unusual work schedule and it is hard to talk to her on the phone. She came out to Korea for her vacation during the summer of 2003 just a couple of months before I returned to the United States. It was so much fun to show her around. She has been to Europe several times, but that was her first time in Asia. I took her to all my favorite places- the green tea plantation at Boseung, Sosoewon garden. Then in Seoul we went to Gyungbok Palace and Insadong (a kind of traditionl art district with galleries, antique shops, tea houses, etc.) We also went to Pusan and explored for a weekend. It is the second largest city in Korea and is right on the coast on the far south of the peninsula. We went to a spa and to the beach.

The last three weeks there have also been rehearsals for The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, which my church is doing for our pageant during the service time next Sunday. This is the last week of rehearsals and it has been so fun. I'm playing one of the "Ladies' Aide Society" women in the church who gossips and is generally condescending and annoying. The story is a play within a play. The main character is trying to direct a Christmas pageant with a group of neglected kids who act like juvenile delinquents and scare all the other children from volunteering to play the parts in the pageant. It is a wonderful book and was made into a TV movie sometime in the 80's. At the end, it is really sweet and moving for all the silliness and laughs before the children start performing the "pageant".

I took some money from my paycheck and bought the paper and envelopes for my Christmas cards this year. I like to rubber stamp, so sometimes I make all my Christmas cards by hands. I’m keeping them simple. But the dye ink is taking forever to dry on the card stock which is incredibly non-absorbent. I printed the front of about 18 cards yesterday and there are still some spots that are not dry enough to fold and stack because they will smudge.

Ringing Off the Hook

2004-12-06T22:59:00.000-08:00

Wow! Things still feel like they are going at a slightly manic pace. I had a really funny, often interrupted phone call with a friend on my cell phone. The house phone kept ringing. On top of that, something was strange with the connection and we were disconnected 3 times. I wanted to ignore the house-line, but the first call was from the community college that I’ve been playing phone tag with. So, I apologized and answered the phone. My friend could hear me as I made the appointment for an interview. Next time I was going to ignore it, but my friend heard the ring and said, "Just answer it." The next time she didn’t hear it because the cordless phone’s battery was starting to get low. I was annoyed and just ignoring the ringing. But then I heard the man that interviewed me last Wednesday leaving a message. I didn’t even have time to apologize to my friend. I left put the cell-phone down while she was in mid-sentence and hurriedly answered the phone. It was worth it because he offered me the job. I accepted and took town the date and time of the orientation meeting (this Thursday). I went back to my friend and told her what had happened. It was really great, because she was the one that prayed with me before I went to the interview. Today, she was there when I got the job. She could even sort of hear it. I thank God. It is obvious that He broke through the wall that I've come up against while trying to get a good teaching job. So many calls and applications ignored this last year. This is a wonderful answer to prayer.

So, I had to call and cancel the interview with the other community college because the classes would be at the same time. I am, however, going tomorrow to an early morning interview, 8:30 AM, for some daytime classes with international students through a community organization. I don't think it would be too hard to do both jobs. So, I have been working hard to get a lot done today. You know, the usual Monday chores. It was also kind of a celebration tonight because at BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) we had our monthly fellowship dinner. I baked pumpkin pie to take to the potluck. I always use the recipe on the back of the Libby’s can and it always turns out great- with a frozen prepared piecrust, of course.

Uncertainty

2004-12-04T22:39:00.000-08:00

Don’t know why, perhaps because I’m waiting to see what news comes on Monday and I haven’t been able to make contact with the person from the other community college, I’ve been in a little bit of a funk. I meant to get the thank you card for the Wednesday interview out right away. I didn’t do it until this morning. I thought about sending an e-mail card, since he said that e-mail is the best way to contact him and it would be really fast. But that seemed really cheesy, so I didn’t. But why on earth did it take me so long to get that card out. It’s too late, but he’ll get it eventually. I’m glad for that. It’s polite.

I also did something really silly. I went to eHarmony and started another profile. I haven’t joined and I still might not. For one thing, I don’t have the money and I’m not sure what my next job will be yet. I just wanted to. I checked the site to see if there was another question and answer in the advice section. It hasn’t been updated in a couple of months. They don’t update that section regularly. I like to read it, though. I got 5 matches when I ran the search engine. Within 15 minutes, one of them had already put me on hold. 3 of them closed on me by this morning. One left. A super athletic military man. I don’t want to continue to be nomadic, moving all over the place. The whole reason I came home again was so I could settle in, put down real roots and stay. I am beginning to remember why I felt like I couldn’t continue and closed my account. No, this was better. Most of the time I would send a message to try and start communication and they would ignore me, not even bothering to close and give any reason. You can choose a reason that the person can read when you close. Things like "I am pursuing another relationship.", "I am not ready to take the next step", "there is too much going on in my life right now". But most of them would just ignore me and I’d wait a certain amount of time and then I’d close and give the reason, "this match never responded to my request to communicate". I found that very rude. At least have the courage to close the match when you know you are not interested. It’s shows respect. We all deserve it. I just closed my match with the soldier. I can’t communicate with anyone unless I really become a member, anyway. Maybe I’ll have it take me out of the search pool (they will do one automatic search for you every day) until I really decide whether to join or to close my account again.

A Plethora of Possibilities!

2004-12-01T18:33:00.000-08:00

Today was the community college interview. Lots of other things have been happening, too. While I was at work yesterday morning another community college called and wanted me to make an interview appointment. I was stunned. I have tried to return the call, but have only been able to get voice mail. I left a message yesterday and have tried to call today. After I came home today and finished lunch, a woman at my church called me about a community organization that she teaches for. They are looking for a part-time teacher. OK, God, I guess you must be doing something. I’m totally amazed at the embarrassment of riches. Well, OK, possible riches. But this has just not been the way things have gone at all in my job search since September '03.

The interview went fairly well, although I was a bit of a nervous wreck before I left the house. I called a good friend and we prayed together over the phone. That made all the difference. I was finally ready to go. Two people interviewed me together. They were friendly and pleasant which was helpful. One question stumped me, and I should have an answer prepared for it. "What do you most need to improve on in your teaching?" I haven’t been in the classroom in almost a year, so I haven’t been exercising those skills or reflecting on any recent experiences. I just couldn’t think of an answer. I was silent and thinking for 30 seconds or so, which felt like 10 minutes. The other questions went much better. I have given up trying to guess what the result will be. Past experience has shown that it can go either way no matter how I feel it went. I’m leaving it in God’s hands and not agonizing and analyzing. They said that they want to have the final decision on Monday, so it shouldn’t drag on.

Back to my present job, the floor set was busy but it wasn’t hard. They gave the new people simple jobs. I folded polo shirts for about 3 hours. Well, I did hang a few shirts that had been previously folded. That was only about 10 shirts, though. The rest of the time I folded, and folded and folded. I’m really glad I didn’t have to stay till midnight; that’s how long most everyone was staying. I told them that I couldn’t stay that late because I had a job interview today and I had to be alert and well prepared. I finished at 9:40 PM and was asleep by midnight.

Monday, Monday

2004-11-29T23:38:00.000-08:00

Wow, I’ve been busy. Today, out of the blue, a community college that I’d applied to called me. They wanted to set up an interview for next semester to teach in their ESL program. I’ll go there on Wednesday. I was so nervous and kind of frustrated when they called. Such a strange reaction when I should be glad and excited. I was disappointed because the school is a little bit far away and I’m not sure how the commute would be. I also was really nervous. The last school interviews that I’ve had haven’t had good results. I know in the end, I have nothing to loose. God is with me and He has a plan. This will either open up a new door for work or I’ll get good interview practice and be prepared to shine and get an even better job when I interview in the future. I guess it is just a basic fear of rejection. I hoped I would be in a reliable teaching job by now, and it hasn’t happened. I have had lots of ignored applications and unsuccessful interviews. It wears on your confidence, bit by bit. But my confidence should not be in myself. I am not building a life on my own strength for my own glory. God lives in me and He is helping me, even when I can’t see or feel it. God gives me strength and ability to do what he wants me to do.

I also got a call from Lane Bryant and they are going to be setting the store (totally reorganizing and putting a whole lot of new stuff out) tomorrow. My supervisor asked me if I’d be available to work in the evening on the store set as well as the morning hours I was already scheduled for. I said yes. With all these last minute things adding up this week, I spent the day organizing myself. I did laundry, went to the bank, mailed a bill, and took back and overdue library book (oops, thought that I had more time on that one). It feels good to have all those little things done that I need to be prepared for the week. I even cleaned out my purse and put every work shift and appointment in my calendar that had been written on scraps of paper and stuffed into my purse.

I didn’t do well on my bible study this week. I ended up doing 2/3 of it today. It took a long time and I don’t like doing it that way. It’s like cramming for an exam. But it was great because after that I wasn’t nervous anymore about the interview. My mind was focussed on God and how faithful He is to all of His promises.

Let the Madness Begin!

2004-11-26T23:31:00.000-08:00

Our store opened at 6:00 AM today. I saw adds on TV all last week for a store offering a wake-up call service so that you could be make it to the store for the special early bargains. You could choose between an Elvis impersonator, a child-diva singing, "Wake Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!" (to the tune of "And I...... will always love you!"), a rooster crowing, Ice-T barking, "Get up. Don't play with me!" or one of many other types of get-out-of-bed messages. It's just all too much. I don't understand. I know it is ridiculous, since I work at the mall now. I actually do enjoy shopping. I suffer from materialism like everyone else. But this just seems crazy to me. I am just grateful that I didn't have to be at the store until 11:00 AM. Some people wheeled in shopping carts to the store because they couldn't carry all their bags. By the end of the day some shoppers' eyes were glazed over. The last hour of my shift my eyes were glazed over. How did Christmas become this monster? It just seems so unnecessary and manipulative. The ads and the marketers tell us all what to do and the stores do everything they can to squeeze the last drop out of everyone? It's not about celebration or Christmas; but it is nicely wrapped in warm feelings, nostalgia, and love for our families and our fellow men.

OK, I'll get off my soapbox now. None of these things are news to anyone. Many people have been complaining for years. I just had to put my two cents in with them. It's in my face more than usual this year.

Pumpkin Pie

2004-11-23T23:28:00.000-08:00

Today we did the shopping and started preparing some things for Thanksgiving. We have to drive to Grandpa's house tomorrow, so we are doing everything we can ahead to make things easier on Thanksgiving Day. I baked two pumpkin pies with frozen piecrusts. I hate making pie crust. I don’t like baking in general. But piecrusts I particularly dislike because the dough is so hard to work with. As a teenager, I tried to get good at it. I usually ended up throwing a fit in frustration. Mom actually forbid me to make pie crust in the house. When I was in Korea I had to make a homemade crust for the pumpkin pie because you can’t buy any premade piecrust. People there don’t bake much at home because it’s not really a technique that is used in Korean cooking. I didn’t throw a fit, so I guess I’ve matured a little over the years. It was tough, though, and not flaky at all. With frozen piecrusts, baking a pie is fun. I love eating pie. Mom has a new recipe for pumpkin pie that uses a little bit of dark rum. Pumpkin pie is one of my top 3 holiday foods. The other two are turkey stuffing (cooked in the bird, of course) and cranberry sauce.

I like cooking, but not baking. I don’t like being bound by a recipe. I’m an improvisational cook and usually only use a recipe when trying something unfamiliar- new technique, unusual seasonings, or unfamiliar ingredients. Baking requires a more exact style or it doesn’t rise, is hard as a rock, or tastes like sawdust.

Over the River and Through the Woods... A Thanksgiving Carol

2004-11-22T23:47:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is coming. I talked to my sister on the phone today. It was nice to chat with her. She was in a good mood, which is surprising because it was in the morning. She usually keeps vampire hours and is not awake in the morning. When she is, it’s usually not pretty. She has worked second or third shift since she started working. Today she sent me a new photo of her with Kevin to put up in the photo album. She hated the picture that I had of her before.

I love the holidays. I love Thanksgiving. This year we are going to go to my Grandfather’s house. I think he will like having the holiday at home. It is amazing that he doesn’t get sad when he goes back to the house. He has a good time and when he gets tired, usually around dinnertime or shortly after, he asks to go back to the assisted living place. Throughout this year, when his health started to decline, he has shown remarkable resilience and determination. I never knew he was that strong. He came close to death. It was a long road back to a stable condition, with lots of relapses along the way. He never gave up. He is determined to do what he can to keep up his strength so that he can walk for as long as he can. Walking with a walker is better to him than always depending on the wheelchair. He is 91 years old and not finished living yet.

I personally don’t know how hard I would fight to live at that age. I want to live as long as I’m healthy. The only thing that scares me about aging is being ill for a long time. Living with failing health takes so much courage. When I was working as a personal care assistant, I took care of an invalid couple. They were both bed/chair ridden. They were very ill and incapacitated, but also very much alive. They met at a dance; he was a musician in the band. His real job was construction and he built much of their furniture. Together they raised 5 children who were now helping to take care of them. Listening to the old dance music on the radio show each Saturday morning still made them laugh heartily. He reached over and held her hand across the empty chasm between their beds. She took great joy in planning the holiday baking. We would do all the work, but she was in the kitchen directing everything and going through her recipes from 50 years ago. When she had been in the kitchen too long, her husband would call in from the living room or the bedroom. Where are you? Aren’t you going to come to take a nap? It was hard to get around their small bedroom with 2 hospital beds, a hoyer lift for transferring them in or out of bed, dresser, TV, and side tables full of medical supplies. But when they had been in separate bedrooms, they were miserable. It was humbling to see such grace, love, and courage.

Apple Cup Victory

2004-11-20T23:53:00.000-08:00

It was busy and very stressful. I made mistakes at the register, I got bogged down trying to keep up with the clothes that needed to be hung/folded and put back. I was slow because I had a hard time knowing where everything went. Some known shoplifters came into the store and we were very busy at the time. Things are not going to get easier as the holiday season ramps into top gear. I will improve, though. This was just my second selling shift. The hardest thing is remembering everything under the pressure of impatient customers and multitasking.

This may cure me of shopping, however. That would not be a bad thing. In fact, it could be great!

What other paying job can I look for that I could get quickly?

I came home and had warm, delicious spaghetti and red wine for dinner. Comfort food, oh yeah! I am tired, really tired.

Dad was at the Apple Cup today. Go Cougs!! As I said a while ago, almost all of my family that has been to college went to WSU, starting with my grandparents. I was a little rebel, I went to WWU in Bellingham because they had a good music program and a good education department. (Really, it wasn’t a big deal. There was no pressure my family about where I went to college.) I don’t like sports, but I always root for the Cougars. We haven’t beaten the Huskies in the Apple Cup for 6 years! I’m so glad that Dad went to the game in Pullman today. It was a real nailbiter. There were about 5 minutes left when I got home from work. It came right down to the wire because the Huskies had a big rally in the second half. We taped the game so Dad can watch it again, along with the post-game show. At the end of the post-game show they showed the funniest little animated featurette with a song to the tune of "This Land is Your Land". You have to know the schools to get the humor. WSU started as a land-grant agricultural college. They are stereotyped as the country bumpkins. UW is in Seattle and they are stereotyped as snobby, urban, rich brats. The song was just an exchange of taunts between the schools, highlighting the stereotypes and bringing up recent scandals on each side. Thing like "We study law, you study methane (animated cow farts on the screen)". I have to say, though, the UW has many more scandals around its athletics than WSU does. Yes, I’m an honorary Cougar. I stick up for them. Congratulations to the whole Cougar football team. Well done! Especially the freshmen, 2nd string quarterback who helped lead the team to victory today.

2004-11-19T20:39:00.000-08:00

Tillamook Head

2004-11-19T20:28:00.000-08:00

Astoria Victorian

2004-11-19T20:23:00.000-08:00

Fall Foliage: Tree in Astoria

Shopping

2004-11-19T17:01:00.000-08:00

Today I spent all my money until my paycheck, which will come next week. Well, I have $5.00. I got my pictures from Oregon developed. I bought pants and 2 sweaters for work. I bought shampoo, a big value size bottle from the beauty supply store. I put some of the new photos in the photo album already. Two of them were so good I decided to put them in the e-cards. Mom likes the red sweater with a pretty neckline that I bought so much that she may go back and get herself one later with the Real Woman coupons that I gave her. I can’t use them now because I get an employee discount. I am glad that I can give them to her and I hope that she uses them to get herself some nice, new clothes. She needs them. I got my schedule for next week while I was in the store. All my hours are on the weekend. Sorry to bore you with the shopping talk. I just get excited about it. Tomorrow I work 4 hours. It should be a busy, exciting shift.

Hope you enjoy the photos. I'm putting some of them up in this journal. Two of them are not even in the photo album. You get rewarded with exclusive pictures just for reading this. We all got bargains today.

Another Friday. The weeks just fly by.

203 words

2004-11-18T23:15:00.000-08:00

Another average day. I didn’t do much. I want to write anyway. Just nothing much that I want to write about. Writer’s block sucks. Just keep writing and then something will start to click. But it’s not. Jack London used to write 1000 words every day. There is a project that I found on the Internet called 100 Words. You write 100 words exactly, no more, no less. Every day for a whole month and at the end of the month they publish everyone’s collection. I want to show myself but I also hide. Certain things I don’t want to reveal. But I want to be honest. I think I am honest in the essential things that I write in this journal. I am not perfect in any way and I don’t think I present a false "goody goody" face. But I also don’t want to dwell on bad, negative things in myself and this world. There are so many things- like last night on the news they arrested a woman who had starved her children to death. OK, now I have to share something about myself- I might be addicted to TV and I can have a short temper. At the end of that sentence was 203 words.

You Can't Go Home Again

2004-11-17T23:31:00.000-08:00

Spent a lot of time on the computer today. I was just looking around at some of the journal community sites. I found the journal, Up From Sloth, of one of my friends from the first time in Korea. She is back in Washington State now, since she is from here. Then I found the journal of a well-known journal keeper back when I was writing in my first journal. Her Internet name was Gingko and she wrote Dreaming Among the Jade Clouds. The final entry, several years old now, was written by her husband after she committed suicide. I was a bit shocked and it seemed morbid, but I read the whole entry. I never even knew her except by reputation and reading a few entries and e-mails that she wrote in Diary-L. Nevertheless compelled to read on, I found a fittingly beautiful and poetic tribute to her which also expressed his deep grief.

You can’t go home again. You can’t recapture the old times. Reading, she seemed like a stranger, but there was also a sense of deja-vu. After I was off the computer and doing something else, just thinking, the events and the tone of her last couple of entries that I read seemed strangely familiar. I used to read her journal when I was in Massachusetts and she was still in Korea. I continued reading after she moved back to Washington State. We would e-mail each other every once in a while, but the journal was the main way that I kept up with her. She would also read mine sometimes. I thought, didn’t I read the same thing years ago? Haven’t I seen the pictures that she had on her index page before? I’m sure not, but it felt that way. Her latest entries are from a trip to China. That made it seem more familiar. She was back in Asia visiting a friend or maybe a research colleague. When she came back to Washington State she started working on an advanced degree in Psychology. That is what drew her back here, the opportunity to continue her studies and pursue her goals.

After all this, I decided to write e-mails to some long-distance friends that I haven’t heard from in a while. Once you let too much time pass, it’s very hard to keep in touch. Even doing my best, I have only been able to keep in touch with a small number of the people who have come in and out of my life over the years. I’ve come to accept that and try my best to always appreciate everyone for whatever time that they are in my life. I highly value, though probably don’t show it enough, those precious few who have continued to weave a thread in my life over all the time and distance.

The Delightfully Ridiculous Irma Vep

2004-11-16T16:31:00.000-08:00

It has been a few days since I’ve updated. I worked on Saturday and Monday. It’s been busy. Today I’m relaxing a bit. I had breakfast with my friend this morning. We are trying to do it once a month. I used to see her at BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), but now she goes to another class that meets in the day.

The family friend that had cancer had her second operation last Friday, a full mastectomy. Things are looking good. They got everything and all the tests have come back clean, so she shouldn’t need any radiation or chemo. She is recovering at home and Mom and I went to see her today, just for a little bit. We didn’t want to wear her out. She seems to be recovering well. She is looking forward to being able to get out of the house and drive again. Hopefully when she has her follow-up visit on Friday the doctor will say that she can drive and do whatever she wants.

I got my first paycheck from Lane Bryant. There were only a few hours on it, so it was pretty small. But it will pay for the alteration to the sleeves of the jacket that I bought three weeks ago. (Being short, I always have trouble with pant-legs and sleeves). It will also pay for the stuff that I took to the drycleaner’s. I can’t wait to have the jacket to wear to work.

On Saturday I went to a play with my parents. They have season tickets at a local theatre company. This time the couple that they usually go with couldn’t attend, so I got to use one of the extra tickets. The play was The Mystery of Irma Vep, written by Charles Ludlam. The program said that he was one of the leaders in the Theatre of the Ridiculous movement. An example of a movie director that follows in the Ridiculous vein is John Waters (Hairspray, Cry Baby, Female Trouble, Pink Flamingos). Stylistically they use lots of pop culture references and have an earthy, silly humor. Here is a great Ludlam quote from the program. "I hate minimal art. I am for maximal art." The play was so hilarious. It was a horror farce that took a little bit from a lot of old horror movies. The basic structure of the plot was taken from Rebecca, which was directed by Hitchcock. That is a wonderful movie, by the way. It’s a mystery/drama about a woman who marries a widower and comes to live at his estate, but finds she is under the shadow of the previous mistress of the manor who died under suspicious circumstances. Well this play had werewolves, vampires, a trip to Egypt to uncover a mummy, and a homicidal maniac. Pretty much everything but the kitchen sink all mixed up in a hilarious stew. The performances were stylistic and highly mannered, like the old movies. The lighting and sound design were especially good and gave some feeling of old movies. Did I forget to tell you that two men play all the characters in the story? Impossibly quick changes, cross-dressing and stuff like that added to the fun. One of the characters said, "The mummy princess reminded me so much of you. I felt I was with you". The new mistress of the manor, who was feigning madness at the time, said, "Sometimes I think I am the gardener. We are the same person". Not highly intellectual or even totally unexpected jokes, just funny. I hope that my description gives you some glimmer of the performance and makes you smile just a bit.

A note about John Waters. I have personally seen Hairspray and Cry Baby. I love Hairspray and have seen it many times. Cry Baby was fun, but not nearly as delightful to me. I have only seen it once. They are the tamest of his works. From what I have read, I don’t want to see the others. He does get way out there as far as sex jokes and subject matter. If you are squeamish about that sort of thing, I don’t recommend his other movies.

Friday Night: fashion and the state of the world

2004-11-12T20:47:00.000-08:00

I love Friday night. The beginning of the weekend always feels like a holiday. Of course, now I'm working weekends. Tomorrow is my first selling shift. I'm excited and a little nervous. We do have to compete for sales and hours, after all. But I think that when I'm settled in this could be a really fun job. I like helping the customers find stuff and when they are happy with a new outfit.

I'm watching the second episode this evening of What Not to Wear. I love that show. It is fun and I learn good principles that I think about while I'm choosing clothes. Now I can use that to help the customers at work. The best thing is to see how the person changes the way that they look at and feel about themselves. Often, they just haven't taken the time or haven't changed their self-image even though they have grown in other ways, like career or family. They learn to match their appearance and the image they project with their inner-self and their real life. Some of the people find new levels of confidence and can imagine goals and ambitions that they couldn't before. Clinton and Stacy are so fun, too. They are brutally honest but with a great sense of humor. They make it more fun to watch and hopefully less painful for the person who is being transformed.

Mom and I were glued to the Peterson verdict this afternoon. I haven't been following the trial, but when we heard that the verdict was going to be announced at 1:00 today, we started watching. I was a little surprised that they convicted, given that there was a lack of direct physical evidence. But the circumstantial evidence was overwhelming and seemed to convince the jury. From what I've heard in the evening news and passing Court TV when I'm channel surfing, I believe that he did it. I didn't feel like jumping up and down and celebrating, though, like some people in the crowd of spectators outside the courthouse. It's such a terrible and sad story. I feel bad for Scott Peterson's family, especially his mother who I learned today is in ill health. His father couldn't even bring himself to come to the courthouse today. Laci's family is also suffering terribly. And what about little Connor who never even got the chance to experience life outside of his mother. He never got to see the sun or breathe fresh air. The shocking thing, however, was that through the whole thing Scott never showed any emotion. That's how everyone who saw the proceedings described him. All the lies he told. He apparently wished that he were single again and didn't want to be saddled with a family. He didn't want to be a father. He thought that he could just get rid of them and be free. Hopefully he won't be free ever again. He will probably appeal the verdict, and he has the right to. I pray that everything was done cleanly and appropriately so that none of his appeals are successful.

Then in the little running news breaks across the bottom of the screen we saw a story about a 6 year old boy who was stunned with an electric taser by police in the Principal's office of his elementary school. He had a piece of broken glass and was cutting himself. We saw the story on the evening news tonight, too. Unbelievable. This world is so crazy sometimes, I just don't have the words. And then some people say that Christians are weak and silly for believing in God and saying that we need God. How can you look at this world and say that we don't need God? Are we doing such a great job of taking care of ourselves and this world? Are we really good at loving each other? Are we really advancing into a great, enlightened species? In large and small ways, I think the evidence is abundantly clear.

T.S. Eliot

2004-11-10T23:49:00.000-08:00

Indescribable

2004-11-09T22:08:00.000-08:00

I've been spending most of the day tweaking the new journal, customizing the sidebar. I plan to try the audioblogger option and make a voice entry soon. That could be fun. While I was online, I found two really great knitting blogs. The Red Sweater and Knit Two, Purl Two. I am just trying to finish the shawl that I started months ago. I put it down and didn't do a stitch for most of the summer. All I have left to do is the fringe. These two knitters put me to shame. Looking at their photos and reading about their projects is inspiring, but I have to admit I'm a little jealous, too. If I didn't work and spent all my time knitting all day, I might be able to do some of the stuff they do. Oh, well.

Tonight the worship band practice was especially fun because we learned a new song, Indescribable by Chris Tomlin. The music and the words are great. Here are the words to the chorus:

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Some bad news from friends. The woman who had surgery for breast cancer will have to go back again. The tests show that they didn't get all of the tumor. Another friend went into premature labor. The baby girl lived for two days. I was so touched by her e-mail because she was not bitter, but instead thankful that she got to see her baby. She said that God blessed the baby by taking her back home. Of course she is sad and it has been terribly difficult for her and her husband, but she is receiving comfort from God and friends. She is not turning to bitterness.

I'll work tomorrow, my last training shift. I'll learn the register. My first selling shift will be on Saturday.

Stormy Weather Arts Festival

2004-11-07T17:46:00.000-08:00

I opened this blogger account so that I wouldn't run out of space at my free website. I don't want to have to update to a paid account until I have a better, more dependable job. So far, everything I have done for my website has been free. I am really grateful to FreeWebSpace.inc and Bravenet. If you have just stumbled onto this journal, then please visit my homepage. I started this journal on this page. There is about a month of entries there. It's always good to start at the beginning.

I just came back from the Oregon coast. We had a great time at the Stormy Weather Arts Festival. Tom May, a folk singer, was the highlight of the day. There are a lot of art galleries there. One of them that I looked at had some great pictures. One of them I thought was really fun. It was a couple in evening formal dress doing the tango on the beach with a maid holding an umbrella and a butler standing by. It seemed to create a story in your mind. I also enjoyed listening to live music in Bella Espresso. The coffee shop is painted in deep, warm colors with murals of Italian style paintings. Even the bathroom is beautifully painted. There are books and board games laying around, inviting you to relax and enjoy yourself.

When I came home, my Brighton ring was waiting for me in the mail. I am really happy with it and am wearing it now. It's antique looking and chunky, a bold statement.

I read a lot of the book Shadow Divers this weekend. It is really great. Inspiring really, how the divers face their fears and test themselves by diving in extremely dangerous conditions. One of the men in the story is a legendary wreck diver who has fallen into alcoholism and hard-times. He can't dive anymore, but he owns the charter and organized the divers to investigate the wrecked sub. He said that this is the kind of thing that could get him to quit drinking and get himself together so that he could dive see it for himself. I hope by the end of the book that he does get well enough to dive again and learn that he can turn his life around.

2004-11-06T17:03:00.000-08:00

Finla Graphics

2004-10-01T17:37:00.000-07:00

flower logo

Red Tulips

2004-09-25T14:35:00.000-07:00

red tulips